


A Squire's Pain

by oxlabyrinthxo



Category: Protector of the Small - Tamora Pierce
Genre: Cutting, F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2005-05-28
Updated: 2013-12-01
Packaged: 2017-12-20 08:40:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 13
Words: 45,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/885255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oxlabyrinthxo/pseuds/oxlabyrinthxo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kel has a dangerous habit, can the least likely save her? Can she melt his ice heart to save him from being lost in hate forever?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I Started on this in 2005 I am working on rewriting it all because in the last 8 years I've improved as a writer and I want to do this story justice!

_"It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more 'manhood' to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind." - Alex Karras_

 

Sometimes she thought she did it to prove herself, surely a knight must be able to inflict pain as well as take it. Other times she was aware that she had a problem, the near euphoric state the blade sliding across skin caused; leaving streaks of blood to stain bandages later, but what she reasoned was the main reason she regularly inflicted pain upon herself was to feel. So many years of Yamani training had taught the young squire to fear and hide her emotions – to bottle them up until they slowly devoured her soul. That was the real reason someone like Kel, strong willed and so sure of her dreams, could partake in self-mutilation. It was on one snowy evening that our story begins.

Winter had descended upon Tortall abruptly, leaving no trace of warmth in its wake. Such weather caused even the hardiest of soldiers of the Own thankful for their commander's orders to return to the palace. Even the stoic Kel forgave her body for betraying her by shaking to maintain warmth.

"You know if you would just scoot yourself on over here you would be much warmer," Dom commented dryly one evening. They were a day and a half ride from the palace, and had made camp for the night. Dom and a few others from the Third Company, along with Kel, sat around a fire, huddled in their cloaks and blankets for warmth.

"I'm alright." Kel assured, but Dom moved next to her anyways, refusing to suffer her stubbornness and pride. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder to keep her in place.

"I'm cold too you know." Dom acknowledged.

"So you're invading my personal space under the guise of keeping me warm, when  _you're_  the one that's cold?" Kel teased. Dom shot her a mock look of hurt.

"Don't injure my pride Lady Squire." Kel was aware that the Sergeant was flirting with her but if she was being honest with herself she had developed something of a crush on the blue-eyed gentleman, and was delighted by his attention.

"Dom," a warning growl as his hand slowly slid from her shoulder and towards a more inappropriate destination. "I swear I'll have Lord Roaul make you his jousting partner." She threatened.

"Alas my hand has a mind of its own and-"

"Is that mind in your breeches Sergeant?" one soldier joked. Dom glared at the man, and promptly removed his arm from Kel. She was secretly sad at the loss of contact but said nothing.

"Get to bed!" A voice rang out, belonging to Lord Roaul. "Mithros help you if any of you are late tomorrow." The threat was clear; men scattered to obey the Knight and Commander of the King's Own. Dom escorted Keladry towards her tent, when she noticed this she turned to give him a reproachful look. He returned her look with an innocent smile.

"Is there a problem Kel?" Dom asked sweetly.

"Yes, your tent is in the other direction Dom," Kel answered.

"Is it so wrong of me to escort a young lady to her quarters on a cold winter's night?" Dom inquired, still maintaining a look of innocence.

"I suppose it depends on the intentions for escorting said girl to her tent." She returned. Dom dropped the charade and winked at her, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"I'm only concerned for your well-being fair Keladry, Meathead would never let me hear the end of it if I let you take ill." Dom said. Kel mentally sighed; she had hoped that he had other reasons than simply appeasing Neal.

"Well I'm quite capable to take care of myself Dom," Kel argued as they approached her tent. She hesitated at the flap, and turned to face him. "But thanks all the same Dom." She gave a half smile in return to his wicked grin. He kissed her hand and bade her goodnight before turning to leave for his own tent. Kel hastily entered her tent, and sat down on her bedroll, refusing to allow herself to read into Dom's intentions and actions.

Out of habit she glanced around her, all her animals were asleep, the baby griffin, Jump, the sparrows, all asleep. She quietly took out her knife and rolled up her sleeve. Adrenaline flowed through her veins at the thought of the pain the knife would bring, of the feeling. She sat the knife against her arm, just beneath the bend of her elbow, and pressed. She waited breathlessly for a moment before a line of red bloomed from the pressure and movement of the blade. Kel smiled to herself as she cleaned her knife and went about cleaning and bandaging her cut. This was her refuge, the outlet to all her frustrations. When she was satisfied with her work she curled up in her bedroll and let sleep take her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Squire’s Pain  
> By oxlabyrinthxo  
> Disclaimer – Don’t own, don’t sue!
> 
> Chapter Two (Revised)  
> A/N: Hello everyone! Well I’m back, better late than never and all that good stuff. I have the outline of this story finished and I will be updating this as much as I can until it is done. Thank you to everyone who has stayed on bored this long and continues to read this story. I’ve been once again motivated to write again and this time I hope it sticks. I know there have been comments asking me to just finish the original story line, but it has been so long I don’t even remember where it was going anymore. I would like to give this fic a fresh perspective and start over. FYI there is an Alice in Wonderland quote I use in this chapter. It’s the “curious and curiouser” bit. I do not own the characters or places in this story I simply am manipulating them for my own purpose.

Joren of Stone Mountain was proud. Any insult he suffered reflected this, and no insult was greater than the existence of Squire Keladry of Mindelan. She was a woman who dared to rise above her station in life and challenge everything he had learned from his father when he was just a boy. If Joren was being honest with himself the only reason he didn’t like her was because she took everything he thought was true, right, and fair, and turned it upside down on its head. In all honesty Joren was intrigued by the girl page when she first arrived, her emotionless “lump” face, her iron will, it all was new to him. He had grown up in a home where women did not question men, they were subservient to men. To Joren, all women were like his mother, dutiful, patient, quiet, and took care of her husband and children and were content with her place in life. Women like Alanna the Lioness were anomalies, trash. Whores who slept their way out of their neat little place in life to throw a wrench in Joren’s perfect cookie cutter view of the world.

But when Joren met Keladry everything was different. This ten year old dare challenge the beliefs that many held to be truth in their hearts. She did it without help from the King’s whore of a champion, she was stoic and determined. Joren was bewitched by this concept, and feared it at the same time. He played cruel pranks on her to seek her attention, to test her. Joren knew after that first year of her page years that he would use her as a measure in which to compare is accomplishments the rest of his life, and that was something Joren’s conservative upbringing would not allow. He brought his friends Vinson, Garvey, and Zahir in on his plans, and they took them to newer, crueler levels.

Vinson kidnapped her maid and made Page Keladry late to the big examinations, and Joren took the fall for it when she inevitably succeeded in thwarting Vinson’s plan and ruining Joren’s halfhearted attempt at friendship with her. Then she became the squire to the Knight and Commander of the King’s Own, rescued and adopted a baby griffin to join her motley crew of animal friends. Joren was impressed with the lady squire. He admired her even, in the dark recesses of his mind that he stubbornly denied.

Joren found himself contemplating these thoughts as he and his knight master Sir Paxton rode towards the Palace, this would be his last winter as a squire before he took his ordeal the following year. Joren thoughts circled in his mind, the Girl, his upcoming ordeal, his fears of never being good enough, his father’s harsh words to Joren when he failed, the Girl… and so on it went round and round in the blonds mind. So engrossed with his thoughts Joren almost didn’t notice Paxton stopping his mount to survey the camp they had come upon. Luckily Joren’s own horse and stallion he called Tristan, stopped to avoid running into the other mount. The sudden stop jolted Joren from his thoughts and he looked to see what his knight master was looking at. It was a camp of men of the King’s Own, no doubt also returning to the capital to seek relief from the cold. Joren ignored the voice in the back of his head wondering if the Girl was among the men encamped below. Joren mentally snorted, if she was down there she was no doubt keeping company with one of the lesser noble and commoners like the good whore she was. Joren ignored the tug of jealousy he denied feeling. He would never sink so low as to desire _her_. 

 

* * *

 

Kel jolted awake and looked around confused. What woke her? She held her breath listening to the sounds of slumber and the guard around her. She heard a horse whinny and footsteps and hushed whispers. Bracing herself against the cold she threw aside the warmth of her bedroll and dressed to go investigate what was going on.

Kel left her tent and cautiously looked around. Having traveled with the own for a year had made her paranoid about the pranks they tended to pull. Her ears still rang from the bellowing shout of surprise from her knight master when they had temporarily dyed his hair a few weeks back an unnatural inky shade of black that shined blue. It had taken days for Lord Raoul to wash the dye from his hair. Kel has a sneaking suspicion Dom’s squad was the one behind it.

A survey of her surroundings showed Kel nothing. It was a normal night in the King’s Own campsite. The sentry monitored the perimeter of tents and a group of new recruits were whispering by the fire, no doubt they had yet to learn the blessing of getting a full nights rest before a hard day in the saddle tomorrow. Kel’s hazel eyes took in everything, trying to discover what had woke her.

“Sneaking back from some man’s tent whore?” a voice sneered from behind Kel. Slowly she turned around and regarded the squire behind her. It had been many long months since Kel had encountered Joren and in Kel’s opinion she could have gone the rest of her life never seeing him again. Joren stared back at Kel a smirk present on his lips. Kel stared at him a moment longer before turning on her heel and marching back to her tent. It was far too late in the evening for Kel to deal with Joren snark.

Joren’s smirk melted into a frown as he watched the retreating back of the Girl. Normally he would get some sort of reaction out of her, this time he got nothing. She briefly acknowledged him and simply walked away. There were no exchanges of blows or harsh words. This Joren could not stand.

“Hey wait up Lump!” Joren called after her turning to follow her. He joined her a few feet away as she was navigating her way back to her tent. This time Kel ignored Joren completely. She was running on too little sleep to deal with Joren and his ilk. “Cat got your tongue Lump? Or do you just have no good excuse why you were roaming the campsite to cover up your activities?” Joren baited. Still he got no reaction. “Look at me when I am talking to you, you bitch!” Joren growled grabbing her forearm roughly.

Kel gave a cry of pain and tried to pull her arm out of his grip. Joren felt something wet trickle onto his palm, he released her arm to investigate. There was blood on his hand, he looked up to try and meet Kel’s eyes but instead she stared at her feet. “What is this?” Joren asked casually, he shoved aside the notion that he was concerned about her.

“Nothing, damn griffin,” Kel mumbled in response, her head slowly rising to meet his. He studied her face carefully but her Yamani mask gave nothing away, and so then he turned his gaze to bore into her hazel eyes. There he found what he thought to be shame and guilt in those dreamer’s eyes. Kel looked away from him again, breaking their locked gaze. “Are we done here?” Kel inquired. When she got no response she continued her way back to her tent, refusing to turn around to check if Joren was watching her, even though she felt his gaze burning a hole in her back.

Joren watched Kel until she was out of sight. Something about the encounter set alarm bells off in his head. He studied the air where Kel had been standing and tried to make sense of what had occurred. Curious and curiouser Joren thought to himself.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Squire’s Pain  
> By oxlabyrinthxo  
> Disclaimer – Don’t own, don’t sue!  
> Chapter Three (revised)  
> A/N: Thank you all for being here for the third chapter revision of A Squire’s Pain. Review and let me know what you guys think. I’m trying to keep this as close to canon as I can, but obviously some things are being changed so that I have a story to write and I’m not just sitting in a room dictating myself reading the Protector of the Small series alone in my room.

               Back at the palace Kel felt like she couldn’t breathe. While out riding with the Own and camping it was easier to hide her secrets. Scars easily blamed on the baby griffin, but when Daine had approached their camp a half day out from the palace announcing she had found the baby griffin’s parents  Kel felt her heart sink. She would have to be more careful now. She couldn’t afford to mess up now, the eyes of the entire kingdom were watching her, waiting for her to mess up and make an example out of her. For every girl out there who dreamed of being a knight Kel had to maintain her strong façade just a little longer. When she was knighted Kel assumed she would be out of the public eye, there would be other court gossip to tend to that didn’t involve the Lady Squire.

                Kel paced the small length of her room, wearing a track in the rug on the stone floor. Kel felt anxious she needed release; sweet salvation from this emptiness that was consuming her. Kel glanced around; the halls were silent as were the rooms of her knight master. Kel quickly secured her door with the lock and took out her small belt knight. Rolling up her sleeve well past her elbow Kel uncovered scar after scar. Some were faded white, others pink and angry red all in various stages of healing. Gingerly she placed the knight at the inside of her elbow and gripped her fist tight making the muscles in her arms tense. The blade sliced through layers of skin until blood was rushing out. Kel felt her head clear and her body relax. She may not be able to do this again, but Kel had picked a place that would sting and cause pain for a while until it healed.

                Kel let the blood pool out of her arm a moment longer before quickly and expertly bandaging it so that no one would notice it under the sleeves of her shirt. Kel then put a tiny amount of the healing balm her mysterious benefactor had given her on her old wounds. Her scars were hardly noticeable after a using this balm on them regularly. Kel may have liked to hurt but that didn’t mean she wanted scars on her body, she was still a girl and slightly vain though she would never admit it.

                A knock at the door startled Kel. She quickly put her bandages and knife away and rolled down her sleeve. Kel took a deep breath before opening the door to find Neal, Cleon, Owen, Merric, Esmond, Quinden, and Seaver at her door. Kel smiled “You’re all back!”

                “We’ve been back for days now. It was only _you_ that was still out there having adventures Kel.” Neal responded dryly.

                Cleon spoke next, “You got in late last night? The king was expecting the Own back a week ago, what delayed you?” Something in Cleon’s tone made Kel study his face for a moment. What was that look in his eye? Kel didn’t understand it, so she simply ignored it and answered his question.

                “Milord wanted to avoid as much of the festivities as possible. I think if it wasn’t for the men grumbling we would have stayed away until the start of next year.”

                Neal grinned. “I know the feeling; the King had to send _orders_ for my Lady Knight Master to return.” Had Kel been less disciplined she would have flinched. She was happy for Neal to be the Lioness’ squire, but at the same time Kel felt this sense of inadequacy at not having been chosen to be the squire to Sir Alanna.

                Cleon sent Neal a look and shoved him. “We’ve come to ask if you would come join us in the mess hall sweet lady,” Cleon cooed. That gave Kel a start. Cleon couldn’t possibly be _interested_ in her could he? Kel dismissed those thoughts a voice in her head that sounded scarily similar to Joren’s told her it was impossible for she was a cow and unattractive. As nice as Cleon was, he wouldn’t be enticed to have romantic notions about her.

                “Sure,” Kel answered simply, shutting her door and falling into pace beside Neal and Cleon. “How has everyone been?”

                The boys all started clamoring at once to tell her of their new experiences. Cleon was doing well with her brother learning battle tactics and such, Owen was just jolly and page training and couldn’t wait to become someone’s squire. Merric and the others chattered about their knight masters and the things they had done and seen. Each boy tried to talk over the other, vying for her attention and approval, all except Neal who was content to watch the spectacle they were all making.

                The group of boys and Kel continued their walk to the mess hall, right down the hall where Joren was casually leaning against the wall watching. Kel’s eyes met his for breathless moments and all the chatter around her faded away. Joren studied her carefully before pushing off the wall to approach her and her band of friends. The boys stopped talking at once to glare at Joren.

                “Hello,” Joren greeted. Cleon stepped in front of Kel to block her from the older boy’s view. Kel huffed to herself; she was more than capable of handling Joren. Kel stepped out from behind of Cleon’s towering form and greeted Joren. Neal scrutinized the situation with sharp eyes.

                “Good afternoon Joren.” Kel said politely. “Off to the mess hall?”

                “What do you want Joren?” Cleon snapped, tired of the courteous pretenses.

                “Nothing I simply wanted to say hello, we’re all friends here are we not?” Joren’s voice was dripping honey, mocking Cleon’s direct behavior.

                “You’re no friend of ours Stone Mountain.” Merric said simply. Owen watched fascinated with the older group.

                “Well then, I can tell I’m not wanted,” Joren stated. He swept a bow, his eyes on Kel the whole time, “until next time milady.” Joren then sauntered off down the hall in the opposite direction.  Leaving Kel confused as she watched him.

                “What was that all about?” Neal pondered aloud.

                “He’s planning something nasty, I just know it.” Cleon declared.

                “Maybe he’s just being friendly?” Owen suggested optimistically.

                “No he’s played that angle before remember? He’s definitely up to something.” Merric agreed.

                Kel sighed; she didn’t have the time or energy to waste on speculating what Joren’s motives were. “Let’s just go to the mess, I’m sure we’ll find out what trickery and dastardly deeds he’s up to eventually.” Neal looked sharply at her, detecting the minute drop of sarcasm in her voice.

                “Kel’s right,” Cleon said, not having picked up on Kel’s disinterest in Joren’s odd behavior. The group continued their journey to the mess hall, the chattering resumed and everything was once again normal.

                Once they had all gotten their trays of food and took their seats the topic that came up in their conversation was Joren and what he was up to. Kel was sick of hearing about it. “Maybe he’s not up to anything. He’s a squire now and Sir Paxton keeps him busy. Maybe he’s just grown up.” Kel pointed out, trying to end the debate. Right now Cleon was convinced he was plotting a way to  lead Kel to ruin that involved a complicated twelve step program that involved Joren tricking her into believing he had abandoned his evil ways and ended with a complicated series of events linked to the crop percentages in Persopolis.

                Neal who had remained quite the entire duration of the debate, which was odd for him, spoke up now. “I think it’s naïve to think that his intentions are entirely honorable, but I’m with Kel it will do us no good to assume what he’s planning if anything. He hasn’t done anything nasty to any of us in a while. Perhaps he is done with his schemes maybe not. We should just remain vigilant.”

                Cleon was about to argue with Neal, but Kel was having none of it. “Eat your vegetables Cleon, you too Neal.” Kel cut in. Cleon immediately complied with her order while Neal saw fit to recite the same argument her had with her since the beginning year as pages.

                “How could anyone _possibly_ eat this green mush? Look at it! LOOK AT IT! Does this look like it’s going to do me any good? Nay woman! I am a man and I must consume _meat_ in order to keep my strength. Nasty green bits will not strengthen me.” Neal said dramatically.

                “Nealan,” Kel sighed. “Eat your vegetables, they’re good for you. You want to grow up big and strong don’t you? Or do you want me to give you a goo thrashing on the practice courts?” Kel asked, leaving no room for Neal to debate. He stared at her defiantly, and then with great effort scooped up a spoonful of peas and made a big show of eating them with a disgusted look on his face. Once he swallowed the mouthful with great difficulty.

                Neal made a sound of disgust “Peas. Why is it always peas? I _hate_ peas.” Neal whined dejectedly. Kel paid his pity party no mind and motioned for him to continue eating his peas like a good boy. The rest of lunch was uneventful. Everyone shared stories about their adventures with their knight masters, or in Owen’s case things he got up to during page training while in the palace. Kel felt removed from the situation. She was there, following all the right cues when to smile, when to laugh, when to frown but Kel felt like a fraud. She wasn’t happy, she wasn’t genuinely engaged in the conversation and so Kel continued to act her way through the social encounter never noticing that Joren had snuck into the mess hall when her and her friends weren’t paying attention, his ice blue eyes were on her the entire time burning with determination to find out the secret that Kel was hiding from not only her enemies, but her friends as well. 

 

 

* * *

               

                Joren had been thinking about his encounter with the Girl the other night at camp, no, thinking wasn’t the right word _obsessing_ about it ever since it happened. Every time Joren had a run in with the Girl she surprised him by never reacting the way he expected. He sighed as he leaned against the wall next to his door. Joren _needed_ to know what it was that was plaguing the Girl, what he would do with this information had yet to be seen. Joren wasn’t sure if he still wanted to destroy her or not and that made him uncomfortable. If he wasn’t out to prove that girl’s couldn’t be knights then who was he?

                Joren spent several long moments thinking about his options and weighing them and well as questioning exactly _why_ he wanted to know the Girl’s secret. Why did he care, what would he gain from finding out? His thoughts were interrupted by the inane chatter of a group of boys ambling down the hallway. Joren’s head shot up to say something nasty to them but stopped when he noticed it was not just any group of boys it was a group consisting of the Girl and her friends. Joren, like always, couldn’t take his eyes off her. As much as Joren has tried he couldn’t ignore her if he tried, he was _drawn_ to her. His eyes always found her in a crowded room, Joren had never meditated too much on what that meant but now with all his thoughts circling the Girl it was time he found out.

                Joren stepped forward to speak to the Girl and noticed as he did that her eyes were locked on him just as his had been on her. The boys that had been wrestling for her attention ceased their incessant prattling to glare at him with hatred that filled their very souls. “Hello,” Joren greeted, aware that as Cleon of Kennan was moving to hide the Girl from his sight that the red headed giant was seething with an all-consuming rage that was somehow different from the other boys. He was _jealous_ for he had seen the Girl’s fixated stare upon Joren. The Girl walked out from behind the giant and addressed him while her idiot healer friend remained quiet and attentive to the situation.

                “Good afternoon Joren, off to the mess hall?” As usual her face gave away nothing; her voice was a polite formal tone. Instead Joren focused on her eyes, they were her weakness the chink in her otherwise perfect “Lump face”.

                “What do you want Joren?” The red headed oaf sneered at him. Joren decided to have a little bit of fun and bait the red head further.

                “Nothing, I simply wanted to say hello, we’re all friends here are we not?” Joren asked sweetly, a pointed look was given to the Girl then a cheeky smile when Joren’s eyes met the face of Cleon who was red with anger.

                “You’re no friend of our Stone Mountain.” Another boy stated, glaring at Joren while flexing the muscles in his arms. The group of boys were making it very clear they would fight Joren here and now if he made an offense towards their beloved lady squire.

                “Well the, I can tell I’m not wanted,” Joren sniffed, he gave an expect bow directed at the Girl, his eyes never leaving hers, “until next time milady,” Joren mocked then took his leave of the group down the opposite way they were traveling. Joren filed the information he had gathered from the encounter in his mind. Joren was looking forward to when all the facts added up and he could use the information in some way to benefit himself, but also his family name.

                Joren had been made awake through some contacts of his father that his family was under the scrutiny of the crown. They suspected Joren’s father was in an allegiance with a few other noble families from the Book of Gold to overthrow the crown and install a new monarchy. Joren smirked having been privy to his father’s absurd plans. While Joren was no fan of the progressive reign of the current monarchy, staging a coup would be suicidal. The king and queen had powerful friends, friends who were blessed by the _gods_. Joren was smart enough to realize his father was fighting a losing battle. So Joren was making plans to distance himself from his father’s doings and secure his own future so that when Joren’s father’s intentions came to light he would not be affected.

                Joren wandered the halls trying to fit blackmailing the Girl in with his already made plans but it was impossible to do so until he knew just what the Girl was hiding. For all he knew the secret she was hiding could be something as stupid as she broke a gift from one of her idiot friends and was feeling guilty. Joren needed to know exactly how much he could manipulate her with the knowledge when gained. So Joren took and indirect route to the mess hall and snuck in when her friends were focused on the brain dead Queenscove and his theatrics.

                Joren watched and waited. He was too far away to hear what they were saying but as he watched the interactions between the Girl and her friends he found that it was different that it had been previously when he had watched them in the years before. The Girl always seemed a half step behind in smiling or laughing at something one of them said as if she was making a conscious decision to react so. This told Joren that whatever she was hiding, she was hiding it from her closest friends as well. This was something Joren could definitely use to his advantage in the future.

                Joren quickly left the mess hall, having observed enough of the Girl’s behavior. His investigation had to be unobtrusive enough that she didn’t notice what he was up to until it was too late. He smiled all the way to his room, until he noticed Vinson waiting outside them, then the smile fell from his face and turned into a grimace. “What is it?” Joren cut to the chase. Vinson and his father were also deeply involved in the coup his father was helping with so it was in Joren’s best interest to distance himself from those would bring shame upon him.

                “Just thought I’d stop by and update you on the latest news.” Vinson said his voice oily and slick.

                “Pass.” Joren returned bluntly.

                “But-” Vinson started, but Joren cut him off.

                “I have duties to attend to for my knight master of the upmost importance. Besides I have no interest in your plans at this time.” Joren informed his former friend with an air of self-importance.

                “Are you turning into one of those bleeding heart progressives?” Vinson asked with a sneer.

                “Hardly,” Joren snorted. “I have no time to play these games Vinson. Go bother someone else.”

                “You’ll regret this Joren.” Vinson warned.

                “I doubt it.” Joren said mostly to himself as he walked into his room and shut the door. Talking with Vinson always made Joren’s skin crawl. While Joren had no respect for a woman who didn’t know her place he would never do what Vinson did to them. Joren had that much respect for women to not violate them. Sure Joren was cruel to them in other ways but he would never take an unwilling partner to bed, there was nothing to be gained from it. Though Joren wondered if there would be anything to gain from taking the Girl to bed, though he wouldn’t mind if there wasn’t because – Joren stopped that errant thought from continuing. Joren had no idea where that had come from, perhaps he has allowed his thoughts to linger on the girl for longer than he should have and that’s why his thoughts were mixing the Girl in where she did not belong in his brain.

                There was absolutely no way Joren could be attracted to the Girl could there?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I’m back for another chapter! YAY! Sorry I’m just so excited that I’m writing again. It’s been a long time and a lot of things have happened and it’s just wonderful to be writing fanfiction again. It’s like coming home. And since I’m all happy and doped up on said happiness of writing I’m not doing it for the reviews. Though in all seriousness some would be nice so I know I’m actually reaching and interested audience. This chapter is kind of long but worth it! There’s finally kissing in this story. Lots of it. Next chapter there might even be a lemon. I don’t know. But read this and if you want tell me what you think. Sorry if everyone gets a little to OOC, Kel especially. We’re just going to say that all the emotional turmoil is causing it. I have no excuse for the other characters other than I had to, to keep things interesting! Please also excuse any and all misspellings, incorrect grammar, and my random inability to use the right your, you’re, there, their, and they’re at times. Homophones give me fits in writing some days. This story is not beta-ed.

Kel checked her appearance again in the floor length mirror in her room, sighing as she did so. She was wearing a white shirt, brown hose, and a shirt of Goldenlake green with gold trimming. She looked nice but Kel was paranoid that someone would be able to see the bandages underneath the billowy loose sleeves. Kel turned and looked at every which angle she could manage and gave another sigh of defeat. Kel was also stalling. There was nothing more Kel wanted on this day than to stay in the quiet sanctuary of her room. Kel felt exhausted by the thought of going to the Midwinter Ball, though she was going in the official capacity as Lord Raoul’s squire, she would still be forced to join in the merriment and appear to be put together and happy.

                Today was one of the days where Kel wished she didn’t feel anything. Amongst all those endless days of feeling nothing Kel had days where she felt everything so acutely that she wanted to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. Another sigh escaped her lips. _It cause there’s bad blood in my family_ Kel mused. It was true, Kel did have an uncle (or a cousin, she couldn’t remember which) that suffered from delusions and hallucinations brought on by “bad breeding” as the conservative called it, the healers called it a mental disorder. 

                Kel supposed she could stall no longer and went to the door and opened it to find Cleon there with his hand raised ready to knock. They stared at each other in surprise for a moment, Kel making sure to keep her Yamani mask tightly in place.

                “Cleon?” Kel prompted when the big red head refused to speak.

                “I er came by to make sure you were coming to the ball. You were taking a while and you don’t want Neal coming here to drag you out.” Cleon answered, tripping over his words.

                “Oh thank you.” Kel said simply. Things have never been awkward with Cleon before, but suddenly everything was awkward. Kel couldn’t talk to him like she use to now that she was starting to suspect he had feelings for her. Kel didn’t know what to do about that. Cleon was betrothed to some beautiful court lady and Kel would not set herself up for that kind of heartbreak if she even did decide she felt that way about her friend.

                Cleon offered his arm, “shall I escort you down to the ballroom?” Cleon asked hopefully.

                Kel was about to answer when Neal appeared out of nowhere and snatched Kel’s hand. “No you may not.” Neal answered smoothly. “I’m taking my best friend down there because I don’t trust her not to abuse you’re good nature and avoid the whole event altogether.” Cleon glared at Neal and the hand he held of Kel’s. Kel was secretly thankful for Neal’s interruption. Cleon had been badgering her for days trying to get her to spend some time alone with him and Kel was afraid he was going to do something she wasn’t ready to deal with.

                “Come on, we can all walk down together.” Kel said pulling her hand from Neal’s. Kel purposefully tried to walk so that she was between the wall and Neal but somehow she ended up between Cleon and Neal. Neal chattered the entire way down about how if he didn’t drag Kel along she’d hole up in her room and practice glaive pattern dances in solitary for the rest of her life while Cleon’s large, to-warm hand kept bumping into Kel’s unresponsive one. Kel shied away from his touch. It made her feel uncomfortable and it was unwelcomed and Cleon was not taking a hint but thankfully they had arrived at the ballroom and Kel made excuses to leave her two friends company citing the need to find her knight master.

                Kel weaved through the crowd till she found her knight master in a quiet corner that was partially hidden behind the grad curtains around the room to afford some table’s privacy. “Kel,” Raoul greeted when she walked up to the table.

                “Milord,” Kel answered back. Raoul made a face, he hated formality but he had come to somewhat accept that Kel would not refrain from using the respectful addresses towards him when they were at such events. However he did know that he could avoid hear her say it by summarily dismissing her.

                “I don’t really have anything I need you to do Kel. The pages are serving everyone so you can go on and have fun with your friends.” Raoul said and when Kel opened her mouth to argue Raoul added “that’s an order squire.” 

                Kel swallowed back the wave of rejection she suddenly felt. She knew Raoul didn’t mean it personally and that he was on edge from having to be at such an event dressed up and having to dodge matchmaking mother’s all night, but Kel couldn’t help but feel unwanted and useless. Kel nodded and bowed to Raoul and went off to find Neal and the others while hopefully keeping a distance from Cleon. Her hopes were shattered when the red head spotted her and started to make his way over to her.

                “Hey Kel can I-”

                “May I have this dance?” Inness asked before his squire could. Cleon’s shoulders sank as Kel accepted her brother’s request for a dance. Kel was once again thankful for the intervention, Kel didn’t want to hurt Cleon’s feeling or be rude to him, but at the same time she did not want to encourage his feelings.

 

                Joren watched the Girl walk around the ballroom looking for a friendly face from his vantage point by his knight master in the front of the room. Joren was surrounded by court ladies and knights that were either talking with Sir Paxton or seeking his attentions for he was the heir to a rich fief with good lands. But Joren had no interest in those who would only use him to fix their own positions within the court. Joren would only allow such attentions to be encouraged if it was beneficial to him.

                Joren felt like he spent much of his time anymore watching the Girl, analyzing everything she did and waiting for an opportunity when she slipped up enough that she would reveal information he could file away for later use. He watched at that bumbling oaf from Kennan marched towards her to flirt, but saw her brother smoothly interrupt and cart her off to the dance floor and twirled her around expertly. Joren’s eyes flickered over to the Red Head and saw barely contained rage and jealousy. _So Kennan liked the Girl did he?_ Joren thought to himself while ignoring the intense feeling to punch the other boy.

                Inness spun Kel around the dance floor recounting the stories he’d received in letters from home. Filling Kel in on what she had missed while on the road where the couriers couldn’t find her. Kel commented here and there, laughed at the funny tale of what happened to one of her nephews this past fall and before she knew it the dance was over and Inness was leading her away to get something to drink. There at the punch table she ran into Neal.

                “Did you honestly think you could get away without dancing with your best friend?” Neal asked her with a large grin on his face. Kel glared at him which only caused his smile to widen.

                “I only danced with Inness because it was polite and he’s my brother, I don’t have to be nice to you.” Kel told him. Neal simply waved her sharp words away, use to the rapport they had with one another.

                “Regardless, you should socialize and dance with some of the people here. It’ll do you some good.” Neal insisted. Sometimes Kel could almost swear Neal knew there was a war raging inside her head and heart about her feelings of inadequacy and fear of failure, but to what extent he may or may not know about it she wasn’t sure and she was definitely not going to broach the subject with him anytime soon.

                “No thanks. No one here would want to dance with a girl dressed in this,” Kel gestured down to her outfit, “and besides half the people I talk to hate me or have this overly romanticized notion about what I do.”

                “I asked you to dance with me.” Neal huffed at his best friend stubbornly.

                “Only because you’re my friend and you’re nice,” Kel argued.

                “How could you possibly say that after all this time?” Neal gasped dramatically. “After all we’ve been through together?! Oh my heart!” Neal grabbed his chest and stumbled towards her. Kel resisted the urge to roll her eyes at his antics.

                “Meathead behave like you know how to act in public,” Dom ordered as he joined the pair. Dom was dressed finely in his Own dress blues, and Kel admired how handsome he was. She still had a bit of a crush on the sergeant.

                “Why do you have to come over here and ruin a perfectly good evening?” Neal asked his cousin, his brown eye browns knitting together to form a scowl.

                “Why do you have to be so annoying Meathead?” Dom retorted.

                “I’m not annoying anyone!” Neal exclaimed. “Ask Kel,” Neal jerked a thumb in her direction.

                “I specifically think you’re annoying this lovely lady here,” Dom replied teasingly. Kel enjoyed the company of the cousins and their banter. It was easy to lose herself in their easy going and playful mood they seemed to radiate. Her smile went sour however when she notice Cleon walking around in the crowd looking for someone and Kel would bet her last gold noble he was looking for her. Kel politely excused herself saying she was going to check on Lord Raoul and then be right back. Kel hurried to blend in with the throng of people in their Midwinter best thankful that Cleon had yet to spot her.

                It was getting ridiculous having to dodge Cleon all the time, Kel resolved herself to set Cleon straight tomorrow when she could go to him in her grubby every day wear and make him realize that she was positively not what he wanted. Kel felt good now having a plan of action on how to deal with Cleon. There was a bit of a bounce in her step as she crept up to Lord Raoul’s table he had camped out at. She opened her mouth to say something to her knight master only to realize he was locked in conversation with Alanna the Lioness. Kel’s heart sank. She quickly vanished among the people again and snuck out to the gardens to clear her head.

                Kel admired and hated the Lioness. She admired her for all her heroic deeds and Kel longed to be as successful and skilled a knight as Sir Alanna, but at the same time Kel was angry that the Lioness had chosen her best friend over Kel to be her squire. Kel had hoped Alanna would pick her because she knew how hard it was to be a Lady Knight and would have all kinds of advice for Kel. But the entire time that Kel had been training for her knighthood she had had absolutely zero contact with her idol. Kel wandered the garden wrapped up in her thoughts, ignorant to the fact that she was being followed by a friend and watched by an enemy.

 

                Joren saw the Girl talk with the idiot and the lesser noble son before making her way back to her knight master only to abruptly turn and go out to the gardens. This piqued Joren’s interest and he turned to look and see what had caused such a strange reaction from the Girl. Her knight master was busy nattering on with the King’s Champion. Joren was confused for a moment, wasn’t the Lioness the Girl’s idol? Why wouldn’t she take that as an opportunity to talk with her and no doubt learn how she too could cheat her way into becoming a knight? Joren thought about it for a moment, happening to glance over to the idiot and his cousin the lesser noble and he understood. The Girl was _jealous_ that her best friend had been chosen to be her hero’s squire instead of her and probably harbored some ill feelings towards the Lioness. Joren smirked and decided to get some fresh air on the balcony looking out on the gardens.

                Once out on the balcony Joren distanced himself from the groups and couples that lingered out there and quickly scanned the gardens below. He saw the Girl walking around not particularly interested in the luxury or the flowers planted that had been magicked to withstand the cold and snow. He saw her head toward the hedge maze, completely unaware that the big red headed fellow Kennan was following her with a determined look on his face.

               

                Kel wandered the maze, her hand running along and brushing up against the evergreen hedge. Kel sucked in a deep breath trying to compose herself enough that she could return to the ball, but she couldn’t. She felt the emptiness clawing at her at the same time all the hurt and broken feelings were tearing at her and Kel just wanted it to all stop. She needed to _hurt_ physically so she could discard all this emotional chaos that was exploding inside her. It had been days since she last had cut and she _needed_ to do it again and soon. _Tonight_ , Kel thought, _tonight I’ll do it when everyone is asleep_. He mind made up Kel went to walk slowly back only to bump into a large broad chest.

                “Sorry, excuse me.” Kel immediately said backing away to give a bow to the person she had just run into.

                “It’s alright Kel,” Cleon chuckled. Kel’s head snapped up. It was much sooner than she was planning on but Kel supposed that she would have to deal with Cleon now as opposed to later.

                “Cleon I need to talk to you.” Kel started. Cleon put a big finger to her lips to quiet her.

                “Shush, let me talk first. I’ve been trying to talk to you about this since you came back.” Cleon said quietly and Kel was shocked to realize he had moved closer to her, so close she could feel the heat radiate off of him.

                Kel pushed his hand away, “no Cleon I don’t think you under-” this time he silenced her with a hard kiss. Kel’s eyes went wide as she pulled away quickly. “No Cleon-”

                Again he cut her off. “It’s okay Kel,” Cleon cooed as if he were trying to sooth a skittish horse. He leaned back in to kiss her again with the same bruising force that made Kel’s jaw ache. Cleon wrapped his arms around her effectively trapping her as he continued to kiss her. Kel pushed at his chest gently hoping he would take the hint and back off. He didn’t. Angry, Kel shoved him away with all the force she could muster and put and hand to her swollen lips.

                “I said no Cleon.” Kel said angrily, her Yamani mask gone and she was unable to restore it on her face. “Do you know what ‘no’ means?”

                “I just thought that-”

                “Thought what? That it was okay for you to just keep doing that when you knew it was bothering me!” Kel raised her voice and she quickly felt herself becoming hysteric.

                “No that’s not it at all!” Cleon insisted. “I like you Kel and I thought you might like me too.” Cleon added weakly.

                “Well I don’t.” Kel snapped, but when she saw the hurt cross his face she softly added “like you like that. I like you as a friend Cleon.”

                She saw his face light up again. “Kel maybe we could try and be more. If you like me as a friend maybe you could grow to like me more.” She wanted to groan at his hurried speech. How was it he was so dense?

                “To what extent Cleon you’re betrothed.” Kel pointed out. 

                “I could break off the betrothal. We could be so happy together Kel. I just know it.” Cleon said.

                “Cleon no, besides you’re like my _brother_ ” Kel said, emphasizing the word brother. Cleon’s face fell a little at that.

                “There’s someone else isn’t there? Who is he?” Cleon demanded.

                “Why does there have to be someone else? Why can’t I just be happy with what you and I have now?” Kel glowered. She continued on as she felt herself shake with rage. “Is it because I’m a _girl_ that I _have_ to be busy pinning away for somebody? I just want to earn my shield Cleon; I’m not interested in anyone like that.” Kel bit back. She knew that it was a half lie. She _was_ attracted to Dom but Kel knew that endeavor was hopeless and not worth mentioning.

                “I’m sorry Kel I didn’t mean for it to be like this.” Cleon apologized, genuinely. “Please can we stay friends?” he begged. Kel clenched her jaw but nodded.

                “Just please don’t get the wrong idea again?” Kel asked.

                Cleon nodded enthusiastically and leaned in towards her again, Kel moved sharply back and glared.

                “On your cheek, for Midwinter luck,” Cleon explained.

                Kel shook her head. “I think there’s been enough kissing for tonight.” Kel answered. “I’m sorry.” She amended when he looked crushed. Cleon sighed and turned to leave and suddenly stopped.

                “You know one day you won’t think all this love business is so silly and you’ll find somebody you _do_ want to kiss you.” Cleon told her. Kel opened her mouth to refute his words but he continued before she could. “And when you do find him, I’ll hate him because there’s no one that’s ever going to be good enough in my eyes for you.” She saw him nod his head and take a deep breath before leaving her alone to her thoughts.

                Kel was officially drained and ready to lock herself away in her room and forget this stupid night happened and there was no way she was going to rejoin the party after that encounter so Kel decided to sneak off to her room. She was careful to make sure no one else surprised her on her walk to her room and that no one was following her. Kel didn’t think she could handle another encounter with someone tonight without losing her mind. Kel turned the final corner to her door and stopped. _The gods must hate me_ Kel thought as she saw Joren of Stone Mountain leaning on her door.

                Joren’s head snapped up to look at her when she turned the corner and Kel regarded him warily. “What do you want Joren?” Kel asked, breathing through her nose, trying to retain what little bit of calm she had left.

                “I saw you with Kennan tonight.” Joren answered. “Bet you two had all sorts of _fun_ in the cover of the hedge maze didn’t you?” He sneered.

                “No we did not, and it’s none of your business anyways.” Kel replied. “Now please get off my door so I can go to be.”

                “Alone?” Joren asked incredulously, “everyone too busy to warm your bed with you tonight?”

                “Joren,” Kel growled in warning “I am not a whore.”

                “Then why are your lips swollen and bruised?” Joren asked cockily.

                “If you must know it’s because Cleon kissed me, and before you go on about how I’m a liar as well as a slut I pushed him away because I don’t like him like that. I don’t like _anyone_ like that so _leave me alone!”_ Kel felt herself spiraling out of control. Some part of her was ashamed she was showing too much emotion, but another part felt good to get it out.

                Joren watched her. There was something different about Kel and he needed to know what. He was sure if he just pushed her a little more he would find out. “Oh really? Like anyone would believe that Lump,” Joren said using his old nickname for the Girl. “Tell me which one do you prefer most? I’m eager to hear about my age mates’ performance.”

                Kel saw red and punched Joren in the face causing him to momentarily lose his balance. Joren stumbled a moment before righting himself. He gave Kel a murderous glare before slapping her across the face. The pain cleared Kel’s head and she felt her Yamani mask slip back into place out of habit, but she still burned with anger inside.

                Joren watched as she calmly observed him deep in thought, he face was calm but her hazel eyes blazed with what Joren assumed was rage. “What is it you stupid cow?” Joren asked her mockingly. “Want _me_ to slip into your bed with you. Well perhaps if you ask nicely I’ll-”

                “Hit me again.” Kel demanded.

                “What?” Joren broke off his baiting and stared at her in open confusion. “Is this some kind of joke?”

                “No I want you to hit me again. I want to see something.” Kel said impatiently.

                “No.” Joren answered firmly. “I don’t know what game you’re playing but I’m not falling for it.”

                “Never mind then.” Kel sighed as she felt the fury in her die down. “Good night,” Kel said as she gently pushed him away from her door.

                “Out of curiosity what did you want to see?” Joren asked catching her elbow. Kel tensed and hissed once again pulling her arm out of his grip. He had felt a bandage on her arm, now Joren was really curious. He quickly grabbed her arm again and rolled up her sleeve to uncover numerous scars and a thick white bandage he had felt when he caught her arm to stop her. Unwinding it while Kel struggled to pull away Joren uncovered an angry red cut that was still bleeding lightly.

 Joren’s ice blue eyes snapped up to stare inquisitively into her hazel ones. “What’s this?”

“A parting gift from the griffin,” Kel lied coolly.

“No this is too new, too fresh to be from the griffin. What is this?” Joren asked again.

“A cut,” Kel answered simply.

“From where?” Joren pressed.

“What does it matter? Why do you even care?” Kel inquired sharply, once again feeling anger bubble up inside her. She tore her arm from his grip and pushed her sleeve back down. She would not allow her enemy to see her weakness.

“Because I do,” Joren told her. He changed tactics. “Is this what you’ve been hiding from your friends?”

“I’m not hiding anything. I’m a knight in training I get hurt.” Kel stubbornly denied.

“That’s not a training injury. It’s too even.” Joren informed her. “You are hiding something you’re being defensive.”

“I’m not being defensive!” Kel snapped then gritted her teeth at the triumphant look on Joren’s face. “You smug bastard,” Kel growled. “Go away.” She pushed him away and tried to close her door on his stupid self-satisfied face but he shoved his way inside her room and shut the door behind him. Kel grabbed the nearest weapon she could find one of her lucky Yamani cats and threw it at him. It shattered against the door when he dodged it. “Why won’t you just go away and leave me alone?”

Joren didn’t answer; Kel continued to throw whatever she could get her hands on at him off her desk, writing utensils, ink pots, bits of wax for melting and sealing letters. Joren inched closer and grabbed both her wrists in his large cool hands and restrained her. Joren looked at her face closely and saw all the hurt she so deeply felt on her face for once. During her tirade she had dropped her Yamani mask. He saw unshed tears in her hazel eyes threatening to fall, but she had not lost that much control on her emotions to allow them to.

Joren would say afterwards that it had all been a mistake, but in that moment looking at Kel, staring into her eyes Joren was captivated. Next thing he knew he was gently meeting her lips with his in a tentative, soft kiss. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter was so hard to write! I started it about twelve different ways but I couldn't get it to flow and progress the way I wanted. Hopefully everyone likes this chapter. It's going to get a little rated M in this chapter. I will put a warning up for anyone who doesn't want to read it. Enjoy!

 

When Joren's lips connected with Kel's she froze unsure what to do, after a moment she relaxed and returned the kiss. This was the second time in less than an hour that someone was kissing her, although this time Kel wasn't entirely sure it was unwelcomed. Joren's lips were cool and smooth and the kiss was soft whereas Cleon's had been too warm and rough in all sense of the words. Joren kissed her with finesse and a practiced ease that Kel didn't know anyone was capable of. She lost herself in the kiss and was suddenly startled by his tongue in her mouth and his hands wrapped loosely on her waist and her own hands tangled in his blond hair.

Kel jerked away and put her fingers to gingerly touch her lips while she stared at Joren in a mix of shock and horror. Joren stared back coolly, his blue eyes taking everything in about her. Joren filed away the pleasant feeling he received while he was kissing the girl for later investigation right now Joren was trying to comprehend what had possessed him to kiss her.

"Why?" Kel asked timidly, her hazel eyes searching him for answers.

"Because you're a whore," Joren said the first thing that he could think of. "You're so easily won over by a kiss you tart. No wonder Kennan thought you were interested." Joren let the words spill out of his mouth before he really thought about them. Kel's face immediately smoothed and all emotions drained from her expression, her eyes hardened.

"Get out." Kel ordered in a deadly calm voice. Joren stared back at her defiantly for a moment before turning and leaving her room with a slam of the door. Joren walked out of her room and cautiously looked around. There wasn't a soul around. It wouldn't do for rumors to spread that he was bedding the Lump. Joren reflected on his actions. Why  _had_  he kissed her? Joren supposed that she had grown to be a very lovely looking girl any man would have to be blind not to see that but Joren's usual affairs were with women who were easily beautiful, meek and submissive. Kel was anything but meek and submissive.

Joren walked back to his room deep in thought about the kiss he shared with Kel. Joren stopped abruptly. When had he started to think of her as anything but Lump or the Girl? Joren unlocked his door and immediately went to sit on his bed and buried his head in his hands. So many thoughts were flying around in his head. He had all the pieces to the puzzle of Kel's secret but he couldn't put them together. Joren decided he needed to sleep and tomorrow after a night's rest he could put everything into the right perspective and even make sense of his own actions. With that he kicked off his boots and removed his tunic and fell asleep.

Kel sat at her window staring out at the Own barracks it looked out on. Snow covered everything and the window gave off a terrible draft that made Kel's body shiver. He animals huddled around together on the floor to watch their mistress. The sparrows peeped in concern and Jump let out a whine and nudged at her leg but Kel didn't seem to notice. She was thinking about everything that had happened that night. She was so confused, first the whole thing with Cleon and then Joren. She knew Cleon had been genuine in his feelings but what about Joren? Was it all just some prank to hurt her? Probably but Kel couldn't help but remember the feel of him against her lips. She had enjoyed kissing Joren but not Cleon. What did this mean? Kel knew Joren was attractive; it was useless to say he wasn't, and Kel theorized that she could have some underlying physical attraction to him. Kel leaned her head against the wall and closed her eyes; she drifted off to sleep thoughts still on Joren.

Kel didn't rouse from her position on the window seat at the tentative knock at her door. The person on the other side of her door knocked again before trying the door knob and finding it unlocked.

"Kel?" the person called quietly, Jump got up to greet the guest, Sergeant Domitan of Masbolle. He whined and scratched at his legs and quickly looked over to Kel asleep by the window. "Don't worry boy," Dom assured reaching down to scratch his ears. "I'll put her to bed." Dom carefully stepped around the sparrows that had roosted on the floor for the night and went over to Kel's sleeping form. "Kel?" he shook her shoulder gently, trying to wake the girl. She didn't stir, only remained peacefully asleep. Dom sighed and crouched to pick Kel up and carry her to her bed. He deposited her on her bed and covered her with her blankets. "You'll catch cold sitting there all night Kel," Dom informed the sleeping girl with a tsk.

Kel snuggled into her bed while Dom stood there a moment longer looking down at her. He bent down and kissed her forehead. "Midwinter luck Kel." He told the squire before leaving the room, locking the door behind him.

* * *

 

Joren slept poorly that night, he kept waking up after strange to colorful dreams that made no sense. Dreams about him kissing Kel that progressed to some not so innocent things. He dreamt that things had progressed farther than just a simple kiss; he dreamt that hands had roamed, clothes had been discarded and that she had fallen to her knees to engulf his member in her mouth. Joren was now wide awake trying very hard to ignore the persistent erection he had. Joren tried to conjure up anything that would make him go flaccid again but nothing worked.

Joren had not been this aroused from a dream in years, but one kiss from the Girl and he was all riled up with no one but himself to deal with it. Joren gave a sigh of defeat and slipped his hand into his breeches and loincloth to stroke his cock. Joren groaned at the contact, hips bucking of their own accord. If felt so  _good_. In his lust filled mind he recalled every bit of his dirty dream about Kel. How she had sucked and licked him, making him beg for more from her sweet mouth. Joren's hand pumped, twisted and squeezed trying to bring himself to release quickly but his body betrayed him. He was forced to fantasize more about her.

Joren moaned when he thought of finally pushing himself inside of her, she would be tight around him and oh so wet. He would pound into her until he finally spilled his seed deep inside of her and she would scream in ecstasy the whole time, hazel eyes squeezed shut tight with her legs clamped around his waist. Her hips would buck wildly trying to get enough friction that she could orgasm. Joren came all over himself thinking about that. He had never felt a release that powerful before, one that made his body twitch against his will as he rode out the waves of satisfaction.

Joren panted his hand still in his pants, his penis finally softened. Joren was disgusted with himself. He shouldn't have had to resort to getting himself off when there were plenty of women he could have chosen to fuck and he should not have gotten such a strong orgasm from thinking of Kel. Joren knew he needed to sort all this out, but tomorrow. Right now he was tired and going to sleep. He would deal with the mess in his breeches later.

* * *

 

Kel woke up and felt disorientated. She had fallen asleep at the window so why was she in bed? Jump was snuggled in by her feet at the end of her bed and did not move when Kel slipped out of bed. The sun was just starting to rise outside as Kel began her glaive pattern dance her mind barely focused on what she was doing. Kel found that recently she had been barely paying attention to her actions, that she was simply going around in a daze because her thoughts were consuming her. Luckily when it was something like this her muscles easily remembered what sequence they were supposed to be working in and simply did it themselves without having Kel's attention to attend to it.

Kel came to the decision to forget everything that happened last night with Cleon and Joren. Kel was certain Cleon would not speak of what happened because of his pride and because he cared for Kel, but Joren could go either way. It had been his mission to ruin her and this could give him the right ammunition to prove that women could not be fighters, or Joren would keep silent because of his pride and reputation to uphold. Kel was betting on the latter seeing as there already were rumors going around that she was a whore, and Joren didn't really know about her secret. Or at least Kel hoped. She couldn't really think about it at the moment as she finished her pattern dance and set about getting ready for the day.

Kel was just finishing combing her hair when there was a knock at the door. She was contemplating ignoring whoever it was when she heard Neal shout from the other side. "Don't you dare act like you're not here Kel!" Neal called, a threat clearly implied. "You have some explaining to do after you ran off and never came back last night. Where did you disappear to?"

Kel remained silent, knowing that Neal was dying to know what happened because Neal loved gossip. With a small smile on her face she moved quietly to stand next to her door, teasing Neal was far too easy and fun.

Neal made an impatient, exasperated noise. "Kel!" He whined, drawing out the vowel. "Please open the door." He begged. "I won't even be mad that you left me at the mercy of my cousin all night. I promise!" Kel supposed she had tormented him enough for the moment and opened the door to see Neal's typical disheveled hair and informal clothes. "Finally!" Neal sighed and took her hand to pull her out of her room. "I looked for you last night where were you?"

"I decided to go to bed, I was tired." Kel answered making a conscious decision to avoid mentioning the encounters with Cleon and Joren. There were some things Kel just couldn't share with her best friend.

"Well you could have told me. Dom was very annoying after you left." Neal huffed, somewhat indignant.

"I'm sorry."

"No you're not." Neal said stubbornly.

"You're half right, I'm only sorry I missed it." Kel teased and Neal's green eyes stared at her in mock hurt.

"I knew it! The moment I let my cousin loose around you he would become a bad influence on you. What happened to dear sweet Keladry who didn't find joy in her best friends anguish?" Neal threw his arm to cover his eyes in an over exaggerated way.

"Can't we ever just walk down the hallway without you making a big scene?" Kel sighed. Neal immediately became serious.

"What's wrong Kel?" Neal asked. Kel silently cursed herself; she forgot how perceptive Neal was.

"Nothing," Kel answered stubbornly.

"Kel you can tell me. I'll find out somehow you know, and I'll just keep asking you until you tell me." Neal threatened.

Kel knew he would too. She supposed she could tell him about Cleon, he would find out about that somehow, though she didn't know how Neal always knew so much about what she had been up to when they were apart. "Cleon kissed me last night." Kel told Neal, looking around to make sure no one else had heard them as they walked the halls.

Neal gave a low whistle. "I take from your tone that it wasn't welcomed?" Neal inquired.

"Cleon's a friend Neal. I don't think about him that way. I tried to let him down easy but I think I hurt his feelings. No I  _know_  I hurt them." Kel explained, suddenly feeling much older than she was.

"I knew he was up to something last night but I didn't think-"

"Who was up to what?" Dom asked coming up behind them and slinging an arm around both of them as he walked between them.

"Cleon kissed Kel last night," Neal told Dom before Kel could stop him.

"Nealan!" Kel shouted at her best friend. "Don't tell everybody!"

Dom frowned and looked at Kel. "So are you two courting now?" Dom's face was grim and searching.

"Of course not don't be stupid," Kel answered turning away from the severity of Dom's stare. "But that's why I left last night. After Milord didn't need me I went for a walk before I came back to talk to you two clowns when Cleon found me in the garden's and kissed me." Kel continued her tale when both cousins implored her to do so.

"So then what happened?" Neal asked. Kel shrugged out of Dom's arm as the weight of it on her shoulders became uncomfortable; Dom removed his arm from Neal at the same time.

"Do we really have to go into this? It happened, it's over and nothing came from it." Kel stated, she loathed to talk about her personal affairs like this.

"Yes we really do Kel," Neal answered. "It's bothering you.

"Fine," Kel yielded. "He was persistent, I'll give him that."

"Persistent?" Dom echoed.

"How so?" Neal asked.

"I dunno he just thought that even after I said I only cared for him as a friend that I might try for something more." Kel sighed in defeat.

"Isn't he betrothed to that girl from Aminar?" Dom pointed out.

"Yes," Neal and Kel answered at the same time.

"I expected more from Cleon," Neal continued, his brows knitting together in anger.

"Let it be Neal, I'm sure he feels awful as it is," Kel said. Dom muttered something under his breath that Kel didn't quite catch. Kel was about to ask him to repeat himself but Owen came up to the trio.

"Isn't it a jolly day?" Owen inquired brightly. Neal looked at his friend in disgust.

"How can anyone possibly be that cheery at this hour?" Neal asked incredulously. Owen and Neal continued in their playful banter, leaving Dom and Kel behind them walking together toward the Mess for breakfast. Dom noticed that Kel seemed nervous and asked her about it.

"Hm? Oh, it's just I don't know how to face Cleon after last night. I'm just worried things will be awkward now." Kel told him.

"Why then, don't we sneak off to the mess hall for the Own and leave my idiot cousin to deal with it?" Dom suggested wickedly. Kel paused for a moment before nodding and the two quietly slipped away unnoticed.

* * *

 

Joren walked towards Lord Wyldon's office to deliver a message from his knight master. Joren scowled the whole way. He was tired and his face looked gaunt from his night of poor sleep. Joren wholeheartedly blamed it on the Girl for suddenly being so mysterious over an injury and then being cryptic. Joren could handle her under normal circumstances; last night had been something else entirely. Joren decided his decision to kiss her had spurred from her emotional outburst and the fact that Joren had allowed the Girl to take up too much of his thoughts.

Joren rounded a corner in the wing of the palace where the pages were still holding classes for the day before letting off for Midwinter Break to study for their exams that were coming up. Joren passed a class teaching those who possessed the gift how to heal wounds.

"… now I'll show you all how to heal minor cuts and injuries. First we'll start with cuts. Everyone please take your belt knifes and make a little nick on your hand. Nothing too big. Now while you're all doing that the healer's would like me to remind you all that we are only doing this  _once_  for educational purposes. If you ever see a fellow page doing this outside of class please inform someone immediately because this might indicate a serious health concern." The teacher droned on in a warning tone. Joren rolled his eyes at the speech. They were always so concerned with being politically correct when teaching healing. Suddenly Joren's mind flashed to the incident last night with Kel when he discovered her own injury. She had treated it like a secret, and she got defensive and almost seemed embarrassed at him discovering it.

_She couldn't possibly be-_  Joren's mind trailed off. It all made sense though, all the pieces were clicking into place. "Of all the stupid things," Joren muttered under his breath. He resolved to find Kel and confront her with his new found knowledge after he delivered the message to Lord Wyldon. Joren knew at this point that he could no longer exploit her secret to his own ends. It was far too serious of a problem to do so with and the Code of Chivalry demanded that he help her. Though Joren didn't follow the Code strictly, this was something he couldn't overlook.

* * *

 

Kel enjoyed having breakfast with the Own in their dining hall. It was far more relaxed than in the one that the pages, squires, knights, and other nobility used. Kel felt much more at ease with the men of the Own than she felt around her own friends these days. Kel supposed it was because she still held something against herself for not being able to find a knight master as quickly as her friends, or that she didn't become the Lioness' squire like Neal. Kel saw and heard of her friends doing great thing and accomplishing so much, and she felt like all her's were over exaggerated. Kel had the men of the Own to always back her up when she went against those immortals or bandits.

Dom pulled Kel from her thoughts by waving a steaming roll under her nose. "I'll take your bread if you don't stop spacing out." Dom threatened teasingly. Kel looked at him and he promptly put it back on her tray. "Is the whole Cleon thing still bothering you or is it something else?" Dom inquired.

"I'm fine." Kel insisted.

"I didn't ask if you were fine Kel." Dom pointed out, he was about to say more but stopped and instead asked, "we're friends right Kel? You know you can trust me."

Kel laughed. "Yes we're friends Dom." Kel assured. "I'm just having a weird day is all."

"What do you mean?"

"Well like for example last night I could have sworn I fell asleep sitting on the window seat in my room but this morning I woke up in bed and I have no idea how I got there." Kel said. Dom chocked on a bite of his oatmeal, and Kel thumped his back to help him clear his airways. "Everything okay Dom?" Kel asked.

"Yep," Dom gasped and took a drink from his water. When he regained his composure he spoke. "Maybe you got up and went to bed and just don't remember it," Dom suggested.

"Yea that's probably what happened." Kel replied doubtfully, eyeing Dom who was acting weird. They continued their meal and talked about different things and Dom flirted like normal until Neal found them and they sat through a round of his dramatics. They eventually all parted ways, Neal had to go help his father in the Healer's Wing, Dom had drills to run with his squad, and Kel had lessons with Lord Raoul.

Kel quietly made her way back to her room and met with Raoul who had her pouring over sums that a commander would have to know and not for the first time Kel wondered if Raoul was trying to make her up to be a commander of some sorts. Kel knew green knights were never given a command; those were for older more experienced knights like her knight master. But Kel dutifully worked on the sums, even as Raoul excused himself to leave her to work on it alone for a while.

Kel was content to be holed up in her room working on the math and battle logistics Raoul had given her. She was engrossed in her work that when someone knocked rather demandingly on her door that she had to stare at it for several long moments to make sense of it. Kel slowly got up from her seat and stretched her stiff muscles; whoever was on the other side of the door was pounding on the door continuously. "Alright I'm coming," Kel muttered more to herself that to whoever was hammering away at her door. Kel swung the door open to find Joren. He looked her over for a moment before shoving her inside her room and shutting the door behind him as he entered.

"What do you think you're doing Joren?" Kel snapped trying to move around him to open the door and kick him out of it. "Get out." Joren didn't speak for a moment; he just leaned up against her door and looked her square in the eyes.

"You're cutting yourself" Joren stated simply. Kel opened her mouth to tell him to leave again and then shut it in surprise.

"What?" Kel breathed.

Joren pushed off the door and made his way over to her and rolled up her sleeve and unwound the bandage at her elbow and looked at the healing scar on her arm there. He gently brushed his thumb over the wound that sent shivers and a sting of pain up her spine. Kel's eyes were fixated on Joren. "I said you're cutting yourself." Joren repeated. Kel opened her mouth to deny it but Joren's eyes snapped to hers and he firmly added "I know that's what you're doing, what I want to know is why?"

Kel shut her mouth and looked at Joren. "Why, how?" Kel managed to get out. Her brain had frozen in a panic. Joren  _knew_  her secret and he would use it to get her kicked out of her training with her knight master.

"Answer the question" Joren ordered.

"No. It doesn't matter you have enough to destroy me now," Kel moved away from Joren, he let her arm slip from his grip like water. Kel sighed and sat down in the chair she had just vacated and put her head into her hands to hide the shameful tears leaking from her eyes. She had failed.

Joren followed her and put a comforting hand on her head. "As much as I hate what you're doing I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't use this against you." Joren assured her. Kel stifled a sob and refused to look up at him.

"You're lying," Kel choked out, her voice cracking. Kel couldn't believe that she was showing this much emotion around him. It was as if everything she learned from the Yamani had gone to waste.

"No I'm not." Joren spoke softly, his hand stroking her hair gently. "When I was six my nursemaid killed herself." Joren told her. Kel froze underneath his touch. "Rumors were that my father had raped her and that she was carrying his bastard child. He forced her to terminate her pregnancy, and she killed herself."Kel lifted her head and looked at Joren. Tears spilled from her hazel eyes and she sniffed often to keep the snot from coming out of her red nose. "So when I asked you why you were doing this it's because I care."

Kel was silent, letting his words sink in before answering. "I needed to feel. Sometimes I can't feel anything I feel so numb." Kel gave a bitter laugh. "Then I have days like this and I do it so I  _won't_  feel." Joren didn't speak again, just regarded her with ice blue eyes. Kel decided to ask the question that had been plaguing her since the night before. "Why did you really kiss me?"

"I don't know." Joren answered honestly. Kel nodded in understanding.

"What are you going to do about this?" She gestured to her arm.

Joren looked into her hazel eyes and he knew  _exactly_  what he was going to do. Joren ducked down and sealed their lips together. He pulled apart and said "I'm going to help you."


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue
> 
> This chapter has also given me grief. I'm having a hard time trying to explain Kel's emotions and though process without making her way out of character. I know several of you out there are up in arms I even am writing her like this but I just want to get this out to show people that not everyone who self-harms is this mopey, weak, whiney person. That people who seem normal and strong can hurt like that. Anyways there's some citrusy goodness in this chapter in the form of a lime (I realize that using that term probably shows my age on here…) Anyhow enjoy! And you can also find this story on AO3 under the same username as this one! It's exactly the same so don't get too excited. This story is un-betaed so please forgive any grammatical and spelling errors. I did run it through spell check but that only does so much. If you're interested in becoming a beta for this story (and getting to read chapters before they are published on here) please let me know by sending me a private message, otherwise I'll just start sending it to my friend who hasn't read these books pleading that she will favor me and fix my mistakes. I'm looking at you LovetheOmni!

 

Midwinter break seemed to go by slowly. Kel was in anguish, she spent majority of her time with her friends, and her evenings with Joren who had denied her, her refuge. He checked her arms for new cuts, forcing her to move to slicing up the skin of her hips, which he quickly discovered two days later when he decided to kiss her again. That confused Kel more than him trying to get her to quit her habit. Joren kissed her often when they were alone, but in public it was business as usual, though most of his hurtful comments lacked the bite they use to have. Joren had assured her he did not have feelings for her like Cleon did, he was simply attracted to her and that was the end of it. Kel could handle their new dynamic, there were no emotions involved, just mindless hours of him kissing her, or them just talking, sharing stories of their childhood and experiences.

Kel found that she was becoming more and more comfortable talking to Joren but she couldn't broach the subject on her feelings or reasoning behind why she had started hurting herself. Kel herself hadn't completely sorted all that out. Kel did tell him the first time it happened had been an accident that spiraled out of control. She had been injured, a cut in her forearm from fighting bandits with the Own. She had needed stitches and Kel recalled that she sat alone in her tent a few nights later sitting on her bedroll, feeling like the emptiness in her was consuming her and she had absentmindedly started pressing on her wound and the pain had helped her, given her strength to keep on going. It was only much later after that occurrence that she had starting cutting to stop feeling as well. Joren asked her a lot of questions about it though. Did she do it less when she had the griffin around, and Kel had to explain that it was different when the griffin hurt her and it didn't always stop her from self-harming herself. Sometimes it did, sometimes it didn't there was no rhyme or reason to it.

Joren always kissed her when she told him things like that, and just held her. Kel didn't mind the physical proximity with Joren like she had with Cleon. Joren knew when to treat her gently and when she wanted him to treat her normally, Cleon acted like she was far more breakable than she was. Joren seemed to understand that her strength and self-assurance waxed and waned. Kel was amused to realize that she had begun to somewhat trust him and view him as a friend. Kel told him as much one night when he was lying with her on her bed late one night.

Joren snorted at her confession. "You do this with all you friends?" Joren asked waving his hand down their tangled, clothed forms. Had Kel had any less Yamani training she would have blushed at his implication but instead she shook her head.

"No. Believe it or not I've not done anything more than kiss a boy." Kel told him matter-of-factly.

"You're right I don't believe it." Joren affirmed. Kel rolled her eyes and turned her head away from him.

"That's your problem then." She said her voice barely above a whisper. It didn't matter that more often than not her knight master slept Buri's room since Kel had suggested he take her to the Midwinter Balls to avoid the matchmaking mothers, Kel still insisted they remain quiet and keep their nightly meetings a secret. Joren agreed.

Joren raised up to rest his head on his arm so that he could look down at her face. Her quickly bent down to kiss her and maneuvered it so that she was underneath his body. His hand all the while they were kissing was playing with the waistband of her breeches.

"Joren, no." Kel told him firmly, removing his hand from her waist. Joren pulled away immediately and apologized.

"I'm sorry, I won't push you," then he continued to blurt out his question, "does it bother you that everyone thinks you're a slut?" Joren asked her, studying her every move.

"Joren everyone assumes I'm loose. It's fine." Kel tried to keep her voice normal, and face blank, but somehow he always knew what was going on behind her mask.

"Yes and it bothers you." Joren observed.

"It's not like there's anything anyone can do to stop that." Kel reasoned. "So it doesn't matter really."

"But it bothers you," Joren prompted.

"Yes is bothers me," she finally admitted. "But like I said its fine."

"So are you really one then?" Joren asked.

"One what?" Kel sighed, she knew what he was asking, but she hoped she was wrong.

"A virgin."

"Yes Joren."

Joren fell back to the bed on his back and stared at the ceiling. "So you and Queenscove never?"

"No."

"His idiot cousin?"

"Who Dom? No he just likes to flirt with everyone." Kel said her noise scrunched up trying to imagine her with Neal or Dom. Neal definitely not. Dom, well maybe, she did have a crush on him.

"But you do like the idiot cousin." Joren pointed out. Kel turned to look at him, her brows knit together in confusion. "You flirt back with him." Joren clarified.

"So?"

"So nothing," Joren shrugged as he left the bed and got up to leave the room. "Good night Kel." He blew out the candle and left.

The next day was a blur to Kel, she accepted and gave gifts with her friends and family during the last day of Midwinter and everyone waited with a baited breath as it was finally time that the Yamani Princess Shinkokami would be introduced to the court. Kel waited next to her knight master, her eyes fixed on Roald who was nervously shifting his weight from foot to foot, a polite smile plastered on his face.

"Kel," a voice called grabbing her attention. It was her brother Inness. "Mother and Father have asked that you join them with the Yamani ambassadors." Kel nodded and bowed to her knight master before following her brother to where her parents stood. Lord Wyldon was present and nodded to her and her brother when they approached. The Princess entered the ballroom, attendants and Yamani guard following her closely. The Princess was seated beside Roald at the table, Kel, her family and the ambassadors walked to the dais and gave a Yamani bow, which to the Tortallans looked like a kowtow.

They all came to their feet again after the princess had given and respectful bow back, with her's she simply brought her hands to the front of her thighs and gave a slight bow, nothing like the one they had just given her. Kel quickly glanced around and realized she knew the Yamani princess; it was her childhood friend whom she had simply called Cricket. Cricket or Shinkokami pulled out her fan to hide a smile behind it directed at Kel. Kel's head spun, Cricket had been royalty? Pleasantries were exchanged from both parties and Kel soon found herself chatting with the Princess and her ladies in waiting and was surprised to find that she knew one of the ladies in waiting, Yukimi noh Daiomoru, another childhood friend from her time in the Yamani Islands.

Shinkokami and Yukimi chatted easily with Kel in their native tongue, both imploring her to call them by their nicknames Shinko and Yuki. Kel was glad to see her old friends again and knew that Shinko would be a good match for Prince Roald. So Kel took it upon herself to introduce them when he came up to speak to them. Roald gave an expert Tortallan bow and Shinko and her Yamani ladies gave them the same bow Shinko had given to the dignitaries earlier. They conversed awkwardly at first, and Kel felt that it was her duty as daughter of the ambassador who had worked long and hard for this occurrence to get Shinko and Roald to become friends at the very least. After a few false starts they finally started conversing easily with one another over differences in Tortall and Yamani weapons.

Kel bowed and took her leave of the group shortly after, promising to meet with the ladies in the morning for glaive practice and shukusen dancing. Kel made her way over to her friends, aware that Joren had been watching her with interest. She knew he would tease her later about something or another and she was fine with it. Kel's friends greeted her with a thousand questions about the arrival of the Princess and her ladies in waiting. Kel answered them as best as she could and she noticed Neal kept sneaking glances over to the dais. Kel prayed to any god listening he had not just become infatuated with the Princess. That would complicate things and she didn't think she, or anyone would be able to stand listening to his terrible poetry and odes to eyelashes.

Their inquisition was interrupted by Cleon who asked Kel for a dance. She was grateful to be taken away from the questioning of her other friends, but was nervous that Cleon had not entirely given up on winning over her heart. He led her to the dance floor and they immediately fell in step with the others.

"I thought you could use a rescue." Cleon said, breaking the silence that had fallen over them.

"Thank you, any longer and I would have lost my voice," Kel joked.

"A tragedy," Cleon assured. Kel looked at him, her face blank. "I didn't ask you over here to declare my love for you again. You made it very clear the other night how you felt about that. I just thought as a friend I could help you out." Cleon assured her. She let loose a breath she didn't know she had been holding. Kel nodded in understanding.

"Thank you," Kel repeated more heartfelt.

"Anytime, Pearl of my Heart," Cleon answered good naturedly. Kel groaned, he was back to using embarrassing pet names with her. Cleon chuckled at her reaction. "I'm still very much in love with you Kel," Cleon informed her. "If you ever change your mind I'd be more than happy to accept your feelings, but for now we shall just be friends."

Kel gave a small laugh. "Thank you Cleon." Kel gave his hand that was intertwined with her's a gentle, affectionate squeeze. Kel was relieved that things would go back to normal with Cleon. She cherished her friendship with the boy, but the thought of kissing him didn't excited her and send butterflies a flutter in her belly like it did with Joren. There just was no physical attraction between her and Cleon on her part. Kel fought down a blush at thinking about Joren and what his kissing did to her and instead tried to focus on the conversation with Cleon.

They talked about simple things like what Inness had been teaching Cleon and Kel gave him new ammunition to tease her brother with. The duo was startled when someone tapped Cleon's shoulders asking to cut in; it was Kel's father, Baron Piers of Mindelan. Cleon gave a respectful bow to Piers who waved it off. "No need with such formalities." Piers assured as he took Kel's hand and pulled her into a dance with him. Cleon quickly left the floor leaving Kel with her father.

"I've missed you Papa." Kel told him.

"And I missed you too Kel. I've heard a lot of good things about you from various people." Piers said. His eyes then went to Cleon over by the rest of her friends. "Is that the fellow you fancy?" Piers inquired quietly.

"No Papa," Kel said, amused at his tone of voice. It was the voice of a  _very_  protective father and shameful to the Yamani ways.

"Good. He's a nice lad I'd hate to have to sit him down for a chat," Piers returned with a firm nod. Kel gave a small laugh.

"No we're just friends Papa I don't really care for anyone that way," Kel said though she couldn't help that for an instant she looked at Dom and then to Joren at opposite ends of the room. Best not to mention either of those two, but Piers caught her and sighed to himself. Kel was fifteen and would be sixteen come that summer and she was bound to be noticed by boys. Kel was already taller than him by two inches, but he was a short man and despite her height Kel was a lovely looking girl. Albeit not as skinny as her sisters or any court ladies but Kel was definitely slim with beautiful hazel eyes and a dusting of freckles on her nose and cheeks. Yes Piers admitted to himself in defeat, it was only a matter of time before some boy because serious about her and he'd be walking his youngest down the aisle. Piers suddenly felt old. He finished the dance with Kel and let her return to her friends while he walked back to his wife.

Ilane noticed the mood her husband was in; her sharp eyes missed nothing of the exchange between Piers and their daughter Kel. Ilane questioned him upon his return what had made him so surly. Piers exhaled and voiced his concerns. "She's growing up, when did that happen?" Piers asked.

"When we weren't looking apparently," Ilane stated. "What's brought this on?"

"I was worried she was involved with Inness' squire, but she was quick to dismiss the notion, or that she was interested in anyone." Piers muttered.

"And?" Ilane prompted, Inness' squire was a fine gentleman and would make a lovely match for Kel is that was what she wished, but she knew there was more to what was bothering Piers.

"Boys are going to start noticing her if they haven't already."

Ilane blinked. So that was it. Piers wanted to keep his baby girl to himself for as long as possible and the thought of Kel with a boy had him up in arms. She laughed softly and gently smacked her husband on the chest with her fan. "Piers she's old enough now to make her own decisions about that."

Piers gave her a sharp look; to any other observer his face looked as blank as Keladry's did when she wore her Yamani mask. Ilane only knew what her husband was expressing through several years of marriage and familiarity. "It would be proper if they asked my permission to court her first and to alert me to their attentions on her." Piers huffed indignantly.

Ilane hid a smile behind her fan. "Perhaps I will have a talk with Kel, but remember my love; there is nothing ordinary about Kel or her situation." Ilane managed their children and grandchildren with practiced ease and a firm hand. Piers typically submitted to his wife's will on how to raise their children, but in this case he had a feeling what Ilane was going to say to Kel.

"Absolutely not," Piers said quietly. "She's only a child Ilane."

"I was fifteen when we were courting," Ilane reminded him, amusement dancing in her eyes.

"Yes but," Piers had no good argument here. "She's too young." He repeated weakly.

"But it would be best to talk to her now instead of later Piers she might get herself into trouble if we don't. She's a smart girl, but when it comes to matters of the heart she's clueless." Piers yielded to her and nodded. "Good it's settled, I'll have a chat with Kel tomorrow and I'll give her a charm." Ilane nodded firmly. Piers ran his hand through his greying locks. He definitely was getting old.

* * *

 

The next morning Kel practiced glaive routines with the Princess, her ladies in waiting, the Queen, and her mother. They chatted in a mix of Yamani and Common, and helped Queen Thayet to learn the correct posture and maneuvering of the pole arm. It was odd at first for the Yamani ladies, Princess, and Mindelan ladies to correct their queen, but Thayet took it in stride and laughed off their nervousness. "If I make a mistake I want you to correct me and beat into my head how to do it properly!" Thayet told them with a smile. The queen was an expressive woman who joined in their group with ease and she was a quick study. After an hour or two of practicing the routine the ladies parted ways to clean up and carry on their duties for the day.

Kel made her way back to her room and washed up and changed her clothes just in time to hear a knock on the door. Kel opened it thinking wirily that she was becoming popular these days. It was her mother at the door. "Mama?" Kel was confused; she had just seen her mother not twenty minutes ago.

"I wanted to speak with you privately, are you busy?" Ilane asked politely. Kel shook her head and allowed her mother to enter the room and quickly closed the door behind her. "Sit down Kel," Ilane ordered and Kel quickly sat on her bed, leaving her mother the chair at her desk that was only a few feet away in her cramped bedroom. "You're getting older now sweetling and I think it's time we talked about men," Ilane began.

"Mama," Kel gasped in a scandalized tone. "There aren't any men to worry about." Kel said, though that wasn't entirely true, there was one that had been coming around though that hadn't progressed to anything more than passionate kissing, and the other was simply flirting back and forth.

"Well all the more reason to talk about this. You're at that age where you're starting to get noticed as a woman Keladry and I want you to be prepared for what comes with that." Ilane spoke, her eyes focused on her youngest daughter who was currently squirming uncomfortably. "Kel you're going to be a knight so there is no expectation of you to marry or be a virgin when and if you wed," Kel turned red at this. "So I wanted to give you this." Ilane handed her a long chain that held an anti-pregnancy charm at the end of it. Kel studied it in horrified embarrassment. "You are your own woman Kel and you can decide what to do with your body. I just wanted to talk to you about this before any gentlemen became serious about their pursuits of you. Most nobles view this kind of thing like horse breeding Kel, keeping the mares from being mounted by the wrong stallion and other such nonsense." Ilane's face was blank while Kel's was on fire. Her mother always did speak frankly but this was too much.

"Mama!" Kel gaped, scandalized.

"Well it's true," Ilane laughed softly. "I just want you to know you are free to make your own decisions." Ilane added. "Now that the embarrassing part is over, would you like to have dinner with your father, brothers and I this evening in Corus?" Kel nodded yes to her mother. Ilane rose to her feet and kissed her daughter on the forehead. "I love you my darling." She told her.

"I love you too Mama," Kel wrapped her arms around her mother and felt that instant net of safety a child felt in its mother's arms. Kel had  _missed_  this feeling of security. Kel held her mother tighter before letting her go. Ilane looked at her daughter puzzled.

"Is there something bothering you love?" Ilane sat next to her daughter on her bed and wrapped a comforting arm around her.

"No Mama," Kel lied. "I just missed you more than I realized." Ilane seemed to accept her answer before taking her leave. Kel sat on her bed a few moments longer thinking about what her mother said while staring down in disbelief at the charm in her hand. There would be no need for this really, but Kel slipped it over her head and hid it beneath her shirt anyways. She stood up and left her room to go to the Chamber of Ordeal. It was time Kel tested herself against it again.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Squire's Pain
> 
> By oxlabyrinthxo
> 
> Disclaimer – Don't own, don't sue!
> 
> Chapter Seven (revised)
> 
> A/N: Hello again my lovelies! I've written another chapter. I'm trying to make them longer because I always love it when a fic I'm reading gets a nice long update. I'm planning (read: hoping) to finish this story before the holidays so I can get to work on finishing my Supernatural fic Shapeshifter. Okay so there is a scene in here that I copied from the book Squire. You'll know it when you see it, it'll all be italicized and stuff and then with (parenthesis) to cite it in MLA format 7th Edition. Sorry I get weird because I don't want anyone to think I'm plagiarizing. I mean technically I'm bending the rules and all but I don't want to claim something that isn't mine. Everybody clear on that? Good! Also I am having an issue deciding if I'm going to have Joren die during his ordeal like he did in the books, or give him and Kel a "happy ending". I admit my bias for KelDom stories is probably causing me to be so indecisive on this. (My OTP is KelDom but I love the KelJoren paring too…) SO if anyone has strong opinions about this please let me know!

 

 

Joren hadn't seen much of Kel the next day after last night when the Yamani Princess was met at court. He was worried that the added pressure on her would exacerbate the situation she was in and send her to finding newer, more secretive hiding spots on her body to cut. Joren imagined her hips had more than a few cuts like Kel insisted when he discovered them last night. He had grabbed her hips roughly while they were kissing and rolling around on her narrow bed when she had quickly pushed his hands off and shuddered in pain. He hadn't actually seen them to inspect the number of cuts like he did on her arms, often rebandaging and applying healing salve to them. But she had confessed to doing it easily enough, which Joren rewarded her honesty with more kissing.

He was startled by her confession shortly after when they lay entwined together on her bed catching their breath that she trusted him and saw him as a friend. Joren of course made a snide remark about her chastity and was startled to hear her confess that she was a virgin. Joren had never thought that she was actually was a whore, but he hadn't dreamed that she was completely inexperienced with men. He had assumed that at some point or another she and her best friend Queenscove had fallen into bed together. But he was pleasantly surprise at her virtue remaining intact this long into her knight training completely surrounded by men. Not that Joren had any designs on her beyond their physical relationship, but still it was good to know that she wasn't carrying any diseases she's picked up in the beds of men.

Joren looked around his room and rubbed his stubble coated chin with the back of his hand. He got to his feet and stretched. He might as well find her and check on her this afternoon. He made his way towards her room to see her mother leaving the room; Joren quickly passed the room and decided he'd circle around in a few minutes. He had seen the emotionless calculating stare her father had given Kennan last night. Joren had no desire for her family to suspect that there was anything going on between them. Their relationship, if you could call it that, wasn't like that. Joren made full circle around the hallway and this time saw Kel herself hurrying down the hallway. Joren would have called after her but didn't want to draw attention to him and his new found fondness for Kel so he silently followed her all the way to the Chamber of Ordeal and watched as she determinedly set her hand against the door.

Joren's eyebrows rose up in surprise.  _What was she doing!?_  He panicked to himself before quickly walking over to her and ripping her hand from the cold metal door, accidently brushing his own hand against it. Joren froze.

Joren saw Kel asleep on her bed, a book was held loosely in her relaxed hands …  _the sound of her front door smashing open woke her._

_"Bitch!" a man screamed. Jump attacked the intruder. Sparrows followed like feathered brown darts, gouging the newcomer's face. Kel threw herself out of bed to yank her glaive from the wall._

_"Trollop, you killed my boy!" shouted the man who fought Jump and the birds. Kel pulled a shutter open, admitting cold air and early morning light – it was shortly after dawn. Jump gripped one of the man's wrists in his jaws, drawing blood. The birds continued to strike his face and eyes as he flailed at them with his free hand._

_Kel didn't know this well-dressed, white-haired stranger. Neither did she know the woman and man who ran to in to grab him, the woman clinging to his waist, the man with one hand on the stanger's tunic as he tried to knock Jump away._

_The door to Raoul's chambers sprung open. Raoul was in his loincloth, holding his unsheathed sword. Buri, clad in only a blanket, stood at his elbow, a dagger in her free hand. "Birds, move," ordered Raoul. The sparrows darted off. Raoul grabbed the snarling man one-handed and smashed him against the wall, shaking him off his human companions. "Jump, let go," ordered Raoul. Jump obeyed._

_The woman, her face red and tearstained, wrung her hands as she and the other man babbled to Raoul. Kel tried to hear what they said, without success. Raoul's captive continued to swear at her. He craned around Raoul to stare at Kel with blue eyes that bulged in their sockets._

_Kel came forward, glaive ready in case the other two attacked her. When the captive shut up long enough to breathe, she said quietly, "I don't even know you."_

_He answered with curses. Raoul changed his grip to press a broad forearm across the man's throat, cutting off air and voice. "My lord of Stone Mountain, you forget yourself," he said icily. His captive wheezed. "If you try to carry out your threats, I will break your jaw."_

_"He is distraught," the woman said, her voice breaking. "My lord, please, Burchard is out of his mind with grief."_

_"My nephew is dead," the other stranger cried. "The Chamber of Ordeal opened on his corpse."_

_"Joren? Dead?" whispered Kel, horrified._

_Joren's uncle and mother glanced at her and away, as if they could not bear to see her. "It is the shock," Joren's mother whispered, fresh tears on her face. "Don't hold my husband responsible."_

_Raoul eased the pressure on Burchard of Stone Mountain's throat. The man was not white haired but pale blond, as Joren was. "He was to be the greatest of us," Burchard whispered. "My lord Wyldon said, after that first year, he was the most promising lad he'd seen." His eyes were adder-poisonous as he looked at Kel. "Jumped-up merchant slut," he whispered. "He was never the same after you arrived. Never. You witched him, cursed him-" His voice was cut off as Raoul reapplied pressure._

_"I am tired of you," Raoul said, his voice deadly soft. "Nothing affects the Chamber of Ordeal, you stupid bigot. Ask Numair Salmalín-"_

_"A progressive!" snapped Joren's uncle._

_"Ask him under oath then," rapped out Buri, hoisting her blanket around her shoulders. "Numair is the most powerful mage in the realm, politics or none. He knows what everyone knows – no one has ever been able to affect the Chamber."_

_"I am sorry for your loss," Raoul told Joren's mother, "but Kel didn't kill your son. I won't ask to settle this insult to my squire's honor, and thus to mine, by combat. In that I respect your grief." He released Burchard._

_The man fell to the floor. "Two lived destroyed in that Chamber this year," he whispered, staring at Kel through a sparrow made mask of blood. "How did you do it?"_

_"I didn't!" Kel protested shocked._

_"Hush, Kel," Raoul ordered. To Burchard he said, "One more chunk of spew and you answer me by the sword, understand?"_

_Burchard said nothing, only rubbed his throat. Raoul looked at Joren's mother and uncle._

_"We understand," Joren's mother told Raoul. She tried to pull her husband to his feet._

_"We understand our realm has strayed so far from tradition that the gods' gifts fail," Joren's uncle snapped. "The Chamber is breaking down. What more proof do we need that we have lost divine favor? What have you people left untouched? You school the whelps of farmers, let women make war, intermarry with foreigners-"_

_"_ _**I make allowance for your grief.** _ _" Kel had never heard that tone in Raoul's voice. White-hot rage seemed to smoke off his skin. "Go. Bury your boy." Raoul handed the lord of Stone Mountain up one-handed and thrust him at his wife and brother. "While you do, ask yourselves where he learned to be so rigid that he shattered under the Ordeal. Get out."_

_They left. Kel shut the door trembling._ (Pierce 278-282)

Joren blinked rapidly to clear his mind, it had only lasted a few seconds but to Joren the vision seemed to have taken an eternity to play out.  _What was that?_ Joren wondered to himself, he shook his head to clear his thoughts;  _I need to focus on Kel_  he thought and set his mind on Kel's foolish behavior. "Exactly  _what_ were you doing _?_ " demanded Joren.

"I was testing myself against the Chamber of Ordeal." Kel answered, confused as to why he was so angry, "everyone does it." She shrugged.

"Who told you that?!" Joren shouted in disbelief. "Nobody test themselves against the Chamber, once is enough to deal with. Geeze what are you made of woman, stone?"

Kel tilted her head to try and understand what Joren had just told her. "I thought everyone did this, get to know your enemy as it were and find a way to conquer it. I just assumed no one talked about it."

"You are completely insane. No one but the line of kings has ever entered the Chamber of Ordeal twice and certainly no one else is crazy enough to  _test_  themselves against the Chamber," Joren spat out the words, secretly in awe of her bravery.

"Oh," Kel said simply.

"What did you see?" Joren asked her.

"I don't think I can talk about it Joren" Kel told him nervously.

"That wasn't you're ordeal, you can talk about it I'm sure," Joren mused.

Kel shook her head, her light brown hair falling into her eyes. "No, just in case I shouldn't say anything." Kel stated firmly.

"Was it something scary?" Joren questioned. Kel looked at him severely. "I'm sure you can say that much."

"Yes it was something scary," Kel informed him; she sunk down into one of the benches in the room.

"Are you okay?" Joren knelt in front of her and slid a hand under her chin to force her to look at him. Hazel eyes were brimming with tears. Kel nodded at first but when he quirked and eyebrow to challenge her answer she shook her head and her voice broke as she told him that no, she wasn't alright. Joren pulled her forward and into his arms and comforted her as she tried to contain the sobs. Whatever the Chamber had shown her had rattled her, much like his own vision had disturbed him. Joren frowned as he placed a kiss to the top of her head and whispered comforting words to her. What he had seen, would it come true or was it simply something to scare him? Joren didn't want to linger on that thought to long, but still what if it was a vision from the future? How could Joren keep from dying during his ordeal and shamming his family and worst of all – leaving Kel behind?

Joren didn't know why leaving Kel would be worse than all other repercussions of him dying; he just felt that it was. Perhaps because he was the only stable thing in her life right now? Joren didn't reflect too long on that because soon enough Kel had regained her composure and started to pull away from his embrace.

"I'm sorry," Kel whispered. "I don't mean to be such a baby."

Joren gave her a small, reassuring smile. "You can cry all you like, that's what I'm here for," he leaned forward and connected their lips in a chaste kiss. "Now you better run along before someone comes looking for you and finds you here with me. I don't think I could handle your friends' inane accusations that I'm secretly corrupting you or some other such nonsense." Kel rose to her feet, Joren following suit. She briefly hugged Joren and made to leave but he stopped her. "I'll be by later tonight," he warned. Kel smiled at him and left the room. Joren turned to stare at the iron door then sank to his knees to pray that the Black God would not take him from this world and from her just yet.

* * *

 

Kel found herself at the indoor practice courts with Dom that afternoon, both stretching and readying to practice hand to hand combat. Neal stood on the sidelines taunting his cousin saying he hoped Dom had made a will out cause Kel was going to k-i-l-l him. Kel shot her friend a disproving look. Neal put his hands behind his back and whistled innocently. Her other friends laughed and told him to behave or Mother might punish him. Kel made a face at their insistence at calling her mother. Kel had slowly realized that her face had been becoming more expressive in the last few weeks due to her time away from Yamani culture and probably from more recently, Joren's influence. She hoped she would regain the effectiveness of her mask now that she would be spending more time with the Yamani ladies. Kel was afraid of what her emotions would do to her if they broke loose, better to worry about feeling numb and wanting to feel that to have to beat back those dark emotions that plagued Kel on some days.

"Ready Kel?" Dom asked her, she nodded and moved to stand closer to him. They both bowed to one another and then crouched into a fighting stance. Owen called the start of the match and Dom feigned an attack to her left that she immediately tried to dodge and went right into his real strike on her right side. Kel hit back, but Dom blocked her. Kel spun on her heels to throw a high kick to his chest but he brought up and arm to block. Kel pulled back and studied him. Kel was smaller than him, but barely, she had had more training, but he had more field experience. She tried to throw a few fancy moves she learned or adapted from her teachings from the Yamani Islands and the Shang to surprise him, but he had dirty tricks up his sleeve from years of fighting bandits and the street fights the men entered and betted on. Kel tried for another kick but this time he grabbed her ankle and tugged pulling her off balance. He released her leg and tried to grab her arm to keep her from falling backwards, but all it did was pull him down with her so that he was on top of the lady squire.

Her friends fell silent and Kel held her breath. She felt the muscles in Dom's abdomen pressing against her belly, he pushed himself up onto his arms to relieve his weight off of her, though Kel didn't care, it hadn't been unpleasant to feel him above her. Dom quickly made it to his feet, his face bright red as he offered a hand to pull her up. Kel accepted it, still in a daze. She saw Neal come running out to look her over. Then he turned to chastise his cousin.

"That was a stupid move Dom you could have caused her a head injury!" Neal snapped when he was satisfied she was fine.

"I'm sorry," Dom apologized, face still burning; a hand was rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. "It was an accident."

"Accident my foot, you just had to go and do something perverted to Kel." Neal rolled his eyes, Dom turned redder. Kel snapped out of her stupor as Neal began to list all the horrible outcomes there could have been because Dom was careless and a degenerate apparently.

"Neal," Kel interrupted his tirade on Dom's behalf. "It was an accident." Kel didn't know why Neal had suddenly become over protective over such a small matter, but sometimes he regarded her much like he did his little sister who was Kel's age.

"Don't defend him Kel it'll only encourage his depravity," Neal ordered.

"What do you mean?" Kel inquired, confused.

Neal opened his mouth to speak but Dom quickly cut him off with an elbow to his ribs. Neal coughed and sputtered, glaring at Dom. Dom smiled cheekily "it's nothing, Just Meathead being a meathead," Dom assured her. Kel nodded skeptically and turned to stop Neal who was now using the colorful language he had learned from his knight mistress to yell at Dom. The group had a few more rounds of hand to hand practice, Merric easily besting Seaver and Neal cheating against Cleon to win, but Kel's mind wasn't focused on the matches of her friends, it was on the blue eyed sergeant who stood beside her. What had Neal meant by calling his cousin a pervert? It had only been an accident, him falling onto her, though Kel reasoned she was the real pervert here, she had enjoyed him above her, it had made her feel warm in places she didn't know existed, and made her feel a strange longing in her belly she often felt when Joren and her kissed passionately.

Kel was pulled from her thoughts by Dom teasingly tugging her hair. Kel's eyes snapped to his grinning face. "Spacing out a lot these days lady squire?" Dom joked "are you perhaps thinking of someone?" he pried, hopeful.

"No just thinking Dom," Kel informed him, dashing his hopes. Dom had had something of a crush on the squire since he first met her, but she had been only fourteen at the time. Much to young and he had been afraid of what Lord Raoul would do to him if he thought Dom was messing around with his squire whom Raoul also considered something of a daughter. Now she was fifteen and soon to be sixteen in a few months and Dom was besotted with her. Dom longed to kiss her and tell her of his feelings, he could see himself staying with her unlike the flings he occasionally had with the women at court and the passionate nights he shared with young widows.

"What I wouldn't give to know what goes through your mind Kel," Dom flirted; Kel's cheeks tinged pink and Neal came over to interrupt them.

"You'd get lost Dom, she actually has  _thoughts_  unlike you, you simpleton." Neal rolled his eyes at his cousin's attempts at flirting with his best friend. Neal had realized a while ago Dom was in love with Kel, from Dom's responses to the letter he sent him mentioning Kel, Neal knew Dom interest had been piqued by the girl he didn't even know. Then when Dom had actually met her Neal watched as Dom fell more and more in love with Kel. Neal was jealous of the thought of losing his best friend to his cousin, Neal loved Kel, he wasn't  _in_  love with her or anything like Dom was though. Kel was like a sister to him and he cared about her and wanted her to be happy. Lately she had seemed to be in a funk that had worried Neal. He knew some of it stemmed because she resented the fact he was the Lioness' squire and she was not, but Neal knew the real reason behind it. The King had forbidden his Champion from having any contact with Kel, so she chose Neal as her squire so she could keep an eye on Kel. Neal also knew of the gifts Alanna had been sending secretly to Kel since she started page training.

Neal was still worried about Kel though; she didn't know all of what Neal knew and speculated, he knew she felt like she wasn't good enough despite being the squire to the Knight and Commander of the King's Own and doing several notable things that balladeers would be singing about for years to come. He had noticed that Kel had become more withdrawn, he just didn't know what to do about it, though the past few days she's seemed to lighten up and engage with her friends again. Neal hoped she was on the mend from whatever had been plaguing her but he feared she was sinking into a depressive state that would be too much for her to handle on her own. So Neal watched out for her and protected her, even if it was from his favorite cousin who was madly in love with her.

* * *

 

Joren sat alone in his room, his shirt loose and untucked. He ran a hand through his hair and exhaled the breath he had been holding. Joren didn't want to admit how much the vision he had received when his hand had inadvertently touched the Chamber door pulling Kel's hand away had scared him. Joren couldn't believe that Kel had been going to the Chamber and testing herself against the door for over a year. Joren touched it once and he was ready to turn tail and run from his knight training and shame his family.

His hand scraped over the pale blond hair growing on his chin. Was it a premonition or was it simply something to scare him with? Joren wanted to ask Kel but didn't know how to broach the subject with her without reveling what he had seen, more importantly how he could unsee it altogether? Joren didn't want to see that hurt look on Kel's face when his father shouted obscenities at her, blaming her for his death. Joren had seen something break inside Kel when she learned he was dead and that look stirred something in Joren's chest. He didn't want to cause her anymore pain, and Joren was scared of dying. He was afraid of the unknown, and suddenly when he was faced with the prospect that his life may be cut short Joren stopped to think about his actions. When had he become this person? When had he allowed hate to rule him?

Joren shook his head to clear his thoughts. He resolved himself to apologize for his actions and part he played in making Kel's page years so hellish. Joren admitted to himself that when he started this thing with Kel he hadn't intended to come clean and ask her forgiveness but now he felt that it was necessary. If he was going to die he was going to make amends and leave nothing unfinished. Joren shuddered again, more from his dark thoughts than from the draft in the castle. Joren had to admit, after looking back on how he had conducted himself in these past ten years or so were not becoming of one in his station and that he would probably not make it out of the Chamber of Ordeal alive, effectively paying for all his sins. At that thought Joren finally broke down and wept, accepting his fate.

 

* * *

 

Bibliography:

Pierce, Tamora.  _Squire_. 1st ed. . New York: Random House, 2001. 278-282. Print.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Squire's Pain
> 
> By oxlabyrinthxo
> 
> Disclaimer – Don't own, don't sue!
> 
> Chapter Eight (revised)
> 
> A/N: I want to clarify something here before you read the chapter. Kel switches up on us and uses a different instrument to cut herself and thinks that she's getting better. Now I am not a doctor or professional but in my opinion and based on the things I have learned in my multiple and lengthy psychology classes is this pearl of wisdom: self-harming is self-harming. It doesn't matter what you use to do if you are doing something to hurt yourself it's a serious thing. There are no "levels" of it. So my dear readers don't be fooled by Kel's logic later on here in this chapter. Also if anyone out there reading this has or struggles with something like this, if you need to I am here to talk. PM anytime and as soon as I see the message I'll respond and help you to the best of my ability. Again I am not a doctor or psychologist but I am a friendly individual and a librarian. I'm here if you need to talk or if you need direction to find / get help. Thank you, and onward to more fun author's ranting. So I got one review saying I should be merciful and give Kel and Joren a happy ending. I'll take that into consideration, but I make no promises. It would be more realistic and closer to the canon if he died during his ordeal (and I've been reading a lot of KelDom fanfics too…) but if I did let the story go that way I wouldn't have Kel end up with anyone else, you know just imply stuff like they did at the end of Lady Knight. More input is needed on this. Let me know what you think, this story is for your enjoyment after all! Also I checked I get roughly 40 hits per chapter. YAY! Thank you so much guys! This chapter is for my 40 or so readers!

 

 

After Midwinter many knights, and by extension their squires, left the palace to return to their own fiefs. Joren and his knight master Sir Paxton were among those knights who when there was a break in the snow falls took the opportunity to travel to Nond for a spell to manage the fief. Joren was anxious leaving behind Kel; he reasoned he was only worried that she might get worse during their time apart. He longed to write to her, to find out how she was doing, but both had agreed that they wouldn't exchange letters. Kel had been firm on that. She told Joren that since he was adamant their arrangement remained a secret that writing to one another would blow their cover. She also assured Joren she would be fine without him. Joren didn't know whether she had meant it or was simply putting on a brave face like she tended to do, but was forced to accept the circumstances.

Joren knew that come spring they would be reunited when he and his knight master joined with the Progress at Stone Mountain. Joren made a face at that thought. It was a cold calculating move by the crown, subtly telling the Lord of Stone Mountain, Joren's father, that they were aware of his activities, and they were watching closely. Joren imagined the expression on his father's face when he was told that the Progress would be coming to the conservative fiefdom of Stone Mountain, the angry reddening of his skin and the frown etched on his stony face. Joren could safely assume his father had thrown a fit when he heard the news, which probably turned into a coughing fit. Joren's father had been in poor health lately, though the Lord himself refused to admit it. Joren suspected Burchard was suffering the effects of a disease he picked up from one of his many lovers and was not long for this world.

Joren's thoughts turned to his own impending death that awaited him in the Chamber of Ordeal. Joren wondered if he would outlive his father or not, he hoped he did, if only to avoid the vision the Chamber had given him. Joren had resigned himself to his fate and resolved to meet it like the proud noble he was and walk into the Chamber knowing he would never walk out, and so Joren's thoughts continued to circle round and round the rest of the winter at Nond, and the start of spring when he returned to his home and anxiously awaited the Own's arrival and with it Kel.

* * *

 

 

Kel spent the winter in the indoor practice courts performing glaive pattern dances with the Yamani ladies, the Queen and her mother. They also occasionally played a game of fan toss which Thayet picked up easily as it was similar to a K'miri game she played as a child. Kel was quickly becoming bored with the monotony her life had fallen into during the winter months after Joren's departure. Kel wished that the Third Company would be called out, but it seemed the King was keeping them here until spring, sending out the First Company lead by their captain Glasidan of Haryse. Raoul was on strict orders from the King himself to remain in Corus until the Progress resumed, until that time the First Company or the Queen's Riders would be sent to handle any and all trouble that would arise. Kel felt that it was unfair and that the Third Company was being punished because Lord Raoul worked with and favored it the most.

Kel was itching for something to do by the third week of Joren's departure and was taking lessons from different men in the Own and from Raoul himself. Kel thought that was the best part of being the squire to the Knight and Commander of the King's Own; she had many different teachers to educate her for four years instead of just one. Kel was taking instruction from Dom on swordsmanship and hand to hand combat, she also found herself seeking him out just for company as the weeks went on. As much as Kel loved her friends and enjoyed being around them, there was something calming about not being surrounded by her year mates and their constant bickering and need for attention. Kel reasoned it didn't hurt that she had a crush on the Sergeant either.

Kel wondered if perhaps the court gossips were correct in their assumption of her being a whore because she sure was acting like one recently. Not only was she fickle, she was kissing a man whom she had no feelings for while seeking another man for attention that she did have feelings for. Kel tried to push those thoughts away because they drove her into a pit of self-loathing and despair.

Dom and Neal had been her saving grace in Joren's absence. They made sure that she was not left to her own devices often. Neal usually came and got her for breakfast right after she finished her morning exercises and cleaned up for the day. She would either have breakfast with all her friends or she and Neal would have their meals with the Own who enjoyed teasing Dom's cousin "Meathead" almost as much as Dom himself. Then she would spend her early afternoons either studying in the library, Neal close at hand or she would go into the city with a mixture of her year mates and men from the Own. After lunch she trained with one of her many instructors or her knight master and then she would go to dinner and after that she did whatever lesson Raoul gave her in the evening.

While she missed Joren and his unexpected but pleasant kisses she found herself enjoying spending time with her friends in moderation. Kel still purposefully nicked her skin late at night when the halls were silent and her animals were fast asleep, but it wasn't like before. Her cuts were shallower because Kel didn't want to have the deep fresh scars when she reunited with Joren, so to make up for the fact she was only causing minor scratches instead of the bleeding wounds she wanted she found herself doing it more often (though she retired her belt knife from its job and instead used a pin she had in her sewing kit given to her by Lalasa from her last birthday).

So Kel maintained a small thread of her sanity through this action and she was never happier to receive orders to pack up and leave as she did on the morning of March 11th. Kel was awoken by loud knocking at the door that connected her and Lord Raoul's rooms. She threw on a dressing robe over her night shirt and opened the door to her knight master's wide grin.

"We're moving out Kel," Raoul told her, grin still plastered to his face. "Be in the stables within the hour." With that he firmly shut the door and went about shuffling gleefully in his room packing up. Raoul had become just as stir crazy as Kel, longing for the open road and the relaxed air of being on Progress. Kel went about getting her own belongings together and packed before rushing down to saddle Hoshi and Peachblossom as well as Lord Raoul's war horse. While she was busy at her assigned tasks men of the Own poured into the stables to ready their own mounts. Despite the early hour everyone was awake and eager to leave. Dom came up behind her blue eyes dancing with amusement and handed her a warm turnover much like he had during their first encounter.

"Still haven't learned to eat before rolling out of bed and coming down here?" He teased. Kel smiled and gave Dom a friendly shove.

"I would have but Milord was eager to leave and I hurried to get dressed and packed so we could head out as soon as possible." Kel answered taking a bite of the turnover and chewing thoughtfully.

"True, I haven't seen him this giddy in a while, must be because of where we're going." Dom laughed.

Kel looked at him confused. "We're going to Trebond right? The childhood home of the Lioness," Kel asked tilting her head in confusion. Dom snickered and shook his head.

"Last minute change of plans, His Majesty decided we're making the first stop at Stone Mountain. Lord Raoul is positively gleaming at the thought of those conservative bastards having the Royal Progress there first thing." Dom informed her, eyes twinkling at the great joke. "Though you didn't hear this from me but rumor has it the King decided to go there first because of suspicions that the Lord of Stone Mountain is involved in planning a coup." Dom whispered. Kel's eyes widened at that information. She knew from her past experiences with Joren that there was no love lost between his family and the progressive King, but she couldn't fathom how that was grounds for disloyalty.

"Let's move out!" Raoul's voice boomed and men everywhere quickly scrambled to mount their horses and head off following their Knight and Commander. Kel spared Dom a look after they parted and were leaving the palace courtyard. The Own would ride ahead to ready the first location of the Royal Progress before the King's arrival. It meant erecting structures for the tournaments and helping the fief with whatever they needed before the Court visited. Kel agreed with Dom and Raoul's assumption that this would be an interesting first stop. Joren's father  _loathed_  everything King Jonathan believed in and Kel imagined that he was none too thrilled to unexpectedly have the date changed on when the Progress would arrive.

It was a smart move on King Jonathan's part to surprise the Lord of Stone Mountain. It definitely put pressure on the Lord and made him aware that the king was paying attention to his actions without calling him out on it. Kel wondered what Joren thought of it. She was pleased that she soon would get to see Joren once the Progress started, but feared that since they would be at his home that he wouldn't act like he had this past Midwinter. Kel cursed herself silently, if only she hadn't been so against them exchanging letters Kel wouldn't feel this apprehensive about seeing him again and wondering if he was still for all intents and purposes on her side.

Kel was so lost in thought she didn't realize that it appeared that she was staring at a certain blue eyed sergeant until Lerant was next to her commenting snidely about it. "Perhaps you should focus more on your duties as Milord's squire than staring at the Sergeant so fixedly girl." Lerant sneered. Kel's dreamy hazel eyes suddenly focused on the standard-bearer. She knew that by now she has a quasi-almost friendship with Lerant and that he was often only snide and sarcastic out of many years of habit.

"Aw don't let it get to you Lady Kel," Wolset laughed, "the Sergeant's a good lookin' one even if he is stupid and vain." Dom turned his head having heard Wolset's loud voice.

"I am not stupid," Dom said, falling back to ride near Lerant, Kel, and Wolset.

"But you are vain," Wolset pointed out. "He don't even deny it." Lerant rolled his eyes at the Sergeant and Corporal's antics.

"We'll you did say I was a good looking one," Dom laughed. "So why are we talking about my stunning good looks?"

Kel's eyes widened in panic, Wolset opened his mouth to answer but Lerant cut him off. "Didn't you know the Corporal's in love with you. Fancies himself a poet like your cousin you always go on about. He was just telling us one he wrote about you." Kel breathed a sigh of relief and gave Lerant a sidelong glance and mouthed 'thanks' to him. Lerant just shrugged away her gratitude while Dom teased Wolset who had decided to play along and was now slurring a rude and horribly composed poem comparing Dom to a horse's ass.

Much of the journey to Stone Mountain continued in this fashion the men constantly teasing and pranking one another. Kel appreciated the distraction while riding, because it kept her thoughts from dwelling on Joren and if their arrangement still stood or if it was only something that happened during Midwinter and since then Joren has come to his senses. She still fretted over it at night, pacing her tent, thumbing the needle she had slipped into her pocket. Kel couldn't take the pressure of her animal's worried eyes on her and decided to take a walk where she would seek relief from her worried and the emptiness that was creeping up on her.

They were about a day and a half's ride from the fief of Stone Mountain and Kel was worried that she wouldn't be able to continue cutting because of Joren's presence, but was equally horrified at the idea that he didn't care any longer and that she had changed tactics unnecessarily. She was torn, so she walked as far away as she could manage without getting lost and sucked in a breath and listened. She couldn't hear if anyone was following her so she pulled out the needle and made as deep of a scratch as she could manage with her flimsy tool. It felt good to have the familiar sting on her skin, even though it was shallow, not as painful, and bled very little. It was easier to lie about, Kel had found. While before she could easily blame open cuts on the baby griffin, now she did not have that luxury. Scrapes were easily explained away, running into something, falling and catching one's self on an exposed nail or splinter, or a surprised and confused expression while peering at a "mysterious" small cut was enough to hide her secret.

Kel, once her task was completed, commended herself. She was getting better she thought. She wasn't as bad as when she first started. There wasn't blood that needed to be wiped away or a red oozing cut that needed cleaned and bandaged. Perhaps Joren would be proud of her accomplishment, as he was sure to notice the numerous smaller, thinner cuts on her arms if he kept to their original arrangement. If he didn't Kel supposed she was doing well enough on her own without him. She would manage.

 

* * *

 

Joren paced anxiously in his room. Sir Paxton and he had come to Stone Mountain two weeks prior and the King's Own was due any day now. They would arrive three days before the King and the other Nobles to the first location of the Royal Progress to set up the structures used for the tournaments (after the rest of those who would join the Progress caught up they would travel to the locations together with the Own). Joren was eager to see Kel again; he knew she would be arriving with her Knight Master anytime now followed by one of the Own companies. Two companies would be traveling with the King and his court to Stone Mountain as protection along with a group of Queen's Riders and a company of the regular army, not to mention the knights that would be in the midst of the court.

Joren was eager to see Kel after months apart; he was also keen on resuming their physical relationship that they had started the week of Midwinter. He missed the feel of her against him and her warm mouth kissing him back. Joren supposed that at some point he and Kel should discuss exactly how far and what they were willing to do together while this lasted, because something purely physical like this wouldn't last too long. Eventually Joren would have to marry someone for the good of Stone Mountain and produce an heir; Kel would probably end up falling for that idiot cousin of her equally idiot of a best friend. That thought made Joren clench his jaw, Joren reasoned it was because for right now at least Kel was  _his_  and he did not share.

Joren heard horses outside his window, he walked over to confirm his thoughts the King's Own had arrived. He saw them in their blue and silver uniforms clamoring in the court yard as they lead their mounts to the stables and pulled off packs and unloaded wagons. Joren spotted Kel near her Knight Master, following him as he bellowed orders, both knight and squire held the reins to their horses, leading them to the stalls they were to use. Joren stated intently at Kel, and she must have felt his gaze on her because she looked up at the window he was at. Her face was unreadable while she studied him at the window, only making out the shape of him.

"Kel!" he heard someone call and the idiot cousin of Queenscove ran up to her grinning, white teeth flashing against a dirty and dust coated face. Joren felt jealousy burn in him again. He fought it down, he reasoned so long as Kel did not share her body with anyone else while they were together in this joke of a relationship, then it didn't matter if she sought emotional fulfillment elsewhere, but that was a fine line and the travel worn sergeant was teetering on that line when he swung an arm around Kel's shoulders. Joren gritted his teeth when she did nothing to remove his arm from her; she simply turned her head and engaged him in conversation.

Joren turned from the window when they entered the stables and he could no longer see them. He left his room and walked down the stairs. He supposed he should greet his guests and subtly remind Kel of their arrangement.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm really excited about this chapter! Also I have the rest of this story planned out so there might only be five or six more chapters after this before it's done. Hopefully I'll have this all completed before the end of November so I can get through the holidays and focus on writing my Supernatural fic Shapeshifter which is not coming along as well as this one is unfortunately. I hope you enjoy this chapter, there's some KelJoren action at the end of this chapter. Enjoy!

A Squire's Pain

By oxlabyrinthxo

Disclaimer – Don't own, don't sue!

Chapter Nine

A/N: I'm really excited about this chapter! Also I have the rest of this story planned out so there might only be five or six more chapters after this before it's done. Hopefully I'll have this all completed before the end of November so I can get through the holidays and focus on writing my Supernatural fic  _Shapeshifter_  which is not coming along as well as this one is unfortunately. I hope you enjoy this chapter, there's some KelJoren action at the end of this chapter. Enjoy!

* * *

 

 

Kel saw the fief Stone Mountain looming ominously in the distance, grey clouds hung overhead threatening to spill rain on the entire third company. Kel sighed in defeat. She was eager and afraid of arriving at Stone Mountain, eager to see Joren for the first time in months, and afraid to see where they stood with each other in this quasi-relationship/therapist arrangement they had. She rode beside Raoul silently as he called out orders for when they got there. He explained that they would first unload their burdened horses and board them up in the stables, and then they would unload the wagons and get started on setting up camp in the grassy knoll outside of the fief near the stables. One man of the Own cracked a joke about Raoul having to meet with the demon lord of this castle; Kel felt her lips quirk up into a smile. Dom rode up beside her with an easy smile on his handsome face.

"Do you think we should ready Milord's armor for his meeting with the Lord of Stone Mountain?" Dom laughed.

Kel opened her mouth to answer but Raoul beat her to it. "Dom, behave," he told the sergeant, and then raised his voice so the entire company could hear. "That goes for all you lads, be on your best behavior. This is an important stop on the Progress, I don't care if you don't get on with the family here," he spared Kel a look. "You will behave yourselves; no pranks or horsing around. Anyone who disobeys this order gets to joust against  _me_." Raoul threatened. The men fell silent.

Dom moved closer to her and whispered low so Raoul wouldn't hear him, " _you_  can still pull pranks and misbehave, you're the only one here fool enough to go up against Milord."

Kel gave a low laugh. "Yes but you forget that  _I_  don't do those kinds of things," she retorted equally quite. Dom just smiled and rode ahead of her; the men resumed their conversations, thoroughly warned against their usual behavior. Kel sighed as she was once again left alone with her thoughts. She wished Dom had stayed behind to talk with her and make her laugh so she would forget that anxious feeling in her chest at seeing Joren again. Raoul must have noticed her apprehension a moment later because he was suddenly beside her.

"I know you're worried about being at Stone Mountain what with all the trouble that boy gave you as a page," Raoul began, Kel gave him a confused look. "I heard about it from some people," he explained. Kel nodded and he continued, "but don't worry Kel we'll look after you and make sure nothing bad happens okay?" Raoul assured her.

"Thank you Milord, but I doubt Joren will be trying to do anything anymore. He is a squire now and probably too busy for that." Kel said, brushing off his concerns because the only thing Joren really wanted to do to her these days was kiss her senseless.

"Still watch yourself okay? These people are going to be watching you." Raoul warned.

Kel tilted her head and smiled at her knight master despite the twinge of pain she felt settle in her chest. "People have been watching me for years and hoping that I fail, I'll be fine Milord." Kel insisted.

Raoul gave a deep sigh, "enough of this 'milord' business it's just Raoul." He mumbled. Kel chuckled knowing that the conversation was over. She appreciated Raoul's fretting over her but she also felt distressed by it. She was supposed to be able to handle this; she didn't need Raoul or the men of the Own babysitting her because they were afraid she could manage a few conservatives that didn't like her. She felt the need to cut herself arise again and she swallowed trying to push the feeling away. She was surrounded by the Third Company and there was no way she could escape for a few moments to partake in her habit. Kel resolved to wait until they had stopped at Stone Mountain, no doubt that she could steal away for a bit during the hustle and bustle of everyone unloading and starting to erect the structures for the tournament.

Kel stared at the home of Joren as it became closer and closer and she resisted shuddering when they passed through the small village. The people quickly lowered their heads, refusing to meet the eyes of the procession before them, others ducked into doorways to avoid them. Kel had never seen so many people afraid of nobles or the members of the King's Own whose sole purpose was to protect the people of Tortall. All too soon they were walking through the gates that lead to the courtyard where the Lord and Lady of Stone Mountain stood tall and proud awaiting their arrival. Lord Raoul head towards them and Kel followed. She had this feeling like someone was watching her and she quickly glanced up and saw Joren's form standing at a window above her intently staring at her. She kept her face impassive, still unsure of where they stood with one another. The staring contest was broken by Dom who called her name happily.

"Kel!" he said coming up beside her and throwing an arm around her shoulders. She turned to look at his smiling face. "Come on ahead into the stables and leave the greeting to Lord Raoul." He said gently leading her towards the stables, Peachblossom and Hoshi trailing behind them.

"Good idea," Kel agreed.

"So back to this 'you're allowed to misbehave' business I have an idea-"

Kel cut him off. "Dom there is no way you're going to get me involved in one of your schemes." Kel said shrugging off his arm and pulling Peachblossom and Hoshi into stalls next to each other. Dom put his horse on the other side of Hoshi and talked to her and the other men as they unsaddled their horses. Kel laughed often as the men exchanged insults and rude gestures while teasing one another. She even helped the men tease Dom with a story Neal had shared with her from when he and Dom where children and had somehow managed to set their aunts curtains on fire and track mud all up the wall in a matter of minutes of being left alone.

"The look on her face," Dom piped in when she finished her story. Wolset was wiping away a tear from laughing so hard. Kel turned back to Peachblossom and hid a smile while she continued to brush him. Lerant after taking care of his horse had brought Lord Raoul's stallion into the stables to take care of. Kel and the men of the Own continued to chat while they took care of their horses when Joren entered the stables. Kel was only aware of his arrival by the flash of blond she saw from the corner of her eye and the silence that swept through the stables. Dom moved to stand next to Kel and crossed his arms, frowning at Joren. Kel saw something flash in Joren's eyes as he strode up to her and Dom.

"It's good to see you again Keladry," Joren greeted, using her full name to avoid familiarity. Lerant looked up sharply at the heir of Stone Mountain, clenching Raoul's horse's tact in his hands. Wolset was looking from Kel to Dom to Joren trying to decide if he should interfere and remind Dom they were to be on their best behavior.

"Hello Joren," Kel greeted her eyes searching his face trying to understand why he was there and what it meant.

"Yes, Hello Joren," Dom parroted.

"I don't believe we've met," Joren said to Dom, extending a hand. "I'm Squire Joren of Stone Mountain."

"Sergeant Domitian of Masbolle, Third Company of the King's Own," Dom took Joren's hand out of politeness and shook it firmly, too firmly. Joren returned the hard squeeze his own ice blue orbs glaring all the while.

"Pleasure to meet you," Joren remarked flippantly and turned his attention back to Kel. "Like I said it's good to see you again Keladry." Joren sent her a severe look and turned and left the stables, leaving Kel confused and hopeful.

Joren left the stables trying to quench the jealous rage that was building up inside him. He didn't like that way that Dom moved next to Kel upon his entrance as if he was marking his territory. Joren could easily see that Dom fancied Kel and longed for more than her friendship, but Joren could also see the fresh marks on Kel's arms that were not as deep and that worried him. Joren sighed he was torn between his need to keep Kel at arm's length and his physical desire for her. Meanwhile Kel was in the stable listening to the men of the Own discuss Joren's appearance.

"The lad ain't right, comin' down here to make subtle threats at Lady Kel," Wolset growled out. "As if we'd let the likes of 'em harm her."

"I think Kel is quite capable of taking care of that fool herself." Dom commented causing Wolset and several others to look sharply over to their commanding officer. "From what my cousin told me Kel," he nodded to her and she hid a blush in Hoshi's neck, "took care of herself when he bullied her and several other pages. Though I lament Lord Raoul's orders to behave ourselves, I would  _love_  to put something squishy from the pond into his bed."

Wolset laughed. "We could always do somethin' later on in the Progress." Dom's face brightened at the suggestion.

"We could-" Dom began but Lerant interrupted him.

"I think it should be up to Kel if we do anything." Lerant pointed out. Kel suddenly felt several eyes on her.

She cleared her throat and spoke, "I think we should leave well enough alone. It would be the responsible thing to do."

"Responsible yes, fun no," she heard a man mutter.

Dom laughed, "as you wish milady." He gave her a mock bow and strode out of the stables whistling. Wolset shook his head sadly mourning his friend's crush on Kel that made him blindly agree with her. Raoul's orders be damned he wasn't going to stand by and let this Joren fellow think her could mess with Kel. The men of the Own had accepted her and adopted her as their little sister and he and the other men would make sure that no one hurt her. Oh he knew just as well as every other man here that Kel could take care of herself no doubt, but Wolset still felt protective of the fifteen year old squire and there would be hell to pay for anyone who tried to harm her. Even Dom would face the wrath of the men of the Own if he were to do something to Kel, because joining the Own meant becoming family with those you traveled with.

* * *

 

 

Kel left the stables shortly after Dom did; choosing to leave after the men fell silent and kept exchanging secret looks to one another. They were planning something and Kel refused to be a part of it. She walked along the building running her hand along smooth wood and rough stone lost in thought. What was Joren's motive for greeting her in the stable, there had to be one, Joren always had some sort of motive when he did anything and usually they were selfish reasons. She found herself in the field where men were setting up their tents. Kel sighed and resigned herself to set her own up, readjusting her pack on her back she made her way to where she and her knight master would pitch their tents. First she set up Raoul's because it was her duty as his squire and then went to work on her own. By the time she was finished the sun had begun to set and Kel decided that since Raoul had not made an appearance since their arrival that she would see how her horses were doing after seeing the sparrows inside her tent nesting on the ground for the night. Jump followed her happily back to the stables.

She entered to find the place empty of people and that suited her just fine. Walking over to where Peachblossom and Hoshi were she offered them apples and affection when she heard someone come up behind her. Kel quickly spun on her heels to come face to face with Joren. Her hazel eyes went wide and took in his appearance. He was well dressed in a tunic of Stone Mountain colors: gray and black, over a white shirt and black breeches.

Joren sighed at her worried and apprehensive look and pulled her into an embrace. "It is really good to see you," he said into her hair. Kel relaxed. Everything was okay.

"It's nice seeing you too," Kel told him. Joren nodded and pulled away and went to inspect her arms, her shirt already rolled up to expose them from earlier he could now see her new scars up close.

"What's this from?" Joren asked pointing to several fresh, thin cuts.

"Needle from my sewing kit. People ask fewer questions than with the one's from the knife. It's an improvement." Kel told him while Jump watched him. Jump had become accustomed to his mistress' newfound friendship with her one time enemy, but that didn't mean the dog wouldn't watch him closely for any signs that he would betray her.

"That's not an improvement Kel," Joren said running a gentle finger along the new scars and then pulling her arm up to his lips to kiss them. "It's just different."

"But I'm not using a knife anymore I thought you'd be-" Kel stopped searching for the right word. Not proud but, "relieved." She finished.

"You're still cutting," he pointed out. Kel pulled her arm out of his grip angrily.

"But I'm not using a knife." Kel insisted childishly, crossing her arms.

Joren sighed and pulled her into his arms again. He kissed her gently. "I know, but you're still hurting yourself. It doesn't matter how or with what all I care is that it's still happening." Kel looked away from him ashamed.

"I'm sorry," she said in a small voice.

Joren gently put his hand under her chin and made her look at him. "It's okay. I expect this will take a long time for you to deal with and recover from." That reminded Joren of his earlier musings. "Kel I need to talk to you." Kel braced herself for the inevitable bad news that always follows those words. "Kel I'll be there for you as long as you need but I need to know what and how far you're willing to take our other arrangement."

Kel blinked. That was most definitely not what she was expecting. "I – what do you mean?" Kel asked.

"I mean this," Joren swiftly kissed her with passion and his hands roamed her form. She faintly heard Jump let out a small growl towards Joren's actions but her senses were flooded with Joren, his scent, the feel of him beneath her own roaming hands, the sound of his clothing rustling from his movements and the low moan that formed in the back of his throat, the taste of his lips against her own and his tongue exploring her mouth and dueling with her own. Joren abruptly pulled away his ice blue eyes searching her passion fogged hazel ones. "How far are we taking this?" he gestured between them.

"I don't know," she admitted. "It's not like either of us planned for this to happen." Kel began.

"No that's definitely true."

"But I'm not opposed to just letting things take their natural course and see where it goes."

"Meaning?" Joren prompted.

"Meaning that we both unquestionably share a physical attraction to one another and I'm okay with that leading to whatever it leads to." Kel explained.

Joren nodded in understanding and kissed her again. They jumped apart when they heard someone call Kel's name nearby. "It seems they've sent a rescue party for you to make sure you're not at the mercy of one of the horrible people who live here," Joren remarked shakily, running a hand through his disheveled blond hair.

"You're not horrible." Kel told him. When Joren looked at her in disbelief she reaffirmed her statement with a firm "you're not." Joren shook his head.

"Kel!" The voice was louder this time and they both recognized it as Dom's.

Joren's eyes met Kel's, "later," he told her and slipped silently out the back door of the stables.

She sighed, "I'm in here!" She called out to Dom while quickly straightening herself up. She was smoothing down her hair when Dom ran happily into the stables.

"We've been looking for you everywhere Lady Squire. Dinner is ready." Dom grinned at her. Kel nodded and followed Dom out to where the Own was camped talking with him the entire way, unaware that Joren had returned to watch them. Yes he would definitely have to keep an eye on Dom while they were on Progress.

* * *

 

 

Later that night Kel sat alone in her tent, the sounds of the men sleeping filled her ears but she could not fall asleep. She stared blankly at the tent ceiling and tried to empty her mind so that she could sleep but nothing worked. Her thoughts were filled with the conflicting emotions she felt. She was attracted to Joren without a doubt. She enjoyed kissing him and didn't mind the thought of doing more with him, but she couldn't ignore the way her heart fluttered when Dom flirted with her or the blush that would rise to her cheeks when he teased her. It was confusing. How could she be attracted to both men? She was fickle she supposed, and she had always known that Joren was attractive and Dom was as well, but it wasn't right that she had feelings for Dom and messed around with Joren. Kel turned and buried her head under her blankets. Kel felt the emptiness in her chest make itself known painfully and Kel pushed back frustrated tears. She was in for a long night of self-loathing and little sleep.

Kel was brought from her unhappy realization by the sound of someone entering her tent. She poked her head out from under her blankets and saw Joren silently walking into her tent and tying up the tent flap behind him.

"I was hoping you were still awake." Joren admitted coming further into the tent and sitting at her side on her bedroll.

"What are you doing here?" Kel asked.

"I told you we would continue this later." Joren told her before slipped into her bedroll and pulled her into a feverish kiss.

Kel returned the passionate lip lock eagerly and enjoyed Joren's hands on her and her own exploring Joren. She felt Joren's hands pull up her shirt to touch the skin beneath as his hands roamed upwards she felt him stop when he came in contact with her anti-pregnancy charm. Joren broke their kiss and went to inspect the charm on her neck.

"I guess you weren't kidding when you said you were willing to take this as far as it leads to." Joren said in a low tone.

Kel shrugged. "My mother pulled me aside that morning before you found me in the chapel outside the Chamber of Ordeal and gave it to me." Kel told him. "She said that I was free to make my own decisions about my body and wanted me to be safe."

Joren didn't speak at first, just simply rolled the charm around between his thumb and forefinger thinking. "I knew your parents were progressive but that's not something I expected."

"What do you mean?" Kel demanded pushing herself up on her elbows ready to defend her mother's actions.

"Nothing, I'm grateful she had the foresight to sit down and talk to you. No doubt living among boys all this time has made it difficult for you to ask about stuff like this." Joren told her trying to soothe her temper. Kel laid back as Joren's urging and he rested a head on her chest, listening to her heart beat. Kel absent mindedly stroked his hair while she thought about the embarrassing encounter with her mother and Joren's reaction to it.

"What are you thinking?" Kel asked, breaking the silence that had fallen.

"I'm thinking about asking you if you want to try out your new charm." Joren admitted, moving to look at her.

"I don't think I'm ready for that just yet," Kel whispered, her checks flushing red.

"There are other things we can do." Joren stated.

"Like what?" Kel asked.

"Like this," Joren leaned down to press his lips passionately against hers; she felt his erection against her thigh, hard and demanding. Kel gasped at the feeling and Joren's tongue invaded her mouth exploring every inch of her. Kel was wrapped in the sensations that were a mix of familiar and new. She felt Joren's hands tug at her shirt quickly pulling it up and over her head and arms that cooperated out of a primal instinct. It was when she felt the cool air hit her exposed breasts when her face turned red and she moved her arms to cover herself.

She heard Joren sigh above her and chucked. "Am I taking this too far?" He panted. Kel deliberated silently to herself before shaking her head. She knew from the talk of her fellow squires and the men of the Own that there were other things a man and a woman could enjoy together without having sex and she was curious to learn what it was. "Then do you mind uncovering your breasts?" Joren asked. Kel took a deep breath and did as she was asked. Joren's hands went immediately to the sensitive flesh and grabbed them. He rolled her nipples between his fingers and enjoyed the gasp she made. Kel shifted her hips and squeezed her thighs together trying to alleviate the tension she felt there. Joren kissed her and continued to knead her breasts before his mouth traveled along her neck, gently biting it and leaving bruises. He continued this down her collarbone and to her chest. When his lips engulfed one of her nipples she arched her back letting out a moan. Kel quickly covered her mouth with her hands and blushed. Joren paid no mind to her and continued his ministrations. His left hand went to attend to her other neglected mound while his right hand traveled to the waistband of her breeches. The hand dipped into them and rubbed against her womanhood through her loincloth. Kel gasped again at the alien but pleasurable feel. Joren continued to tease her before finally slipping his hand into her loincloth and into her wet folds.

Kel bit her lip trying to contain the mewl of pleasure that bubbled up her throat. Joren's long fingers stocked her entrance, fingers teasingly slipping in a centimeter before retreating, his mouth still on her breast the entire time while his fingers searched for the little button of nerves about her entrance. When he found it Kel hissed in a mixture of pain and overwhelming pleasure that she felt in her very bones that caused her body to shake.

"Too sensitive?" Joren asked when he stopped suckling at her nipple. Kel nodded. Joren gave her a reassuring smile before resuming his previous work, this time her made sure to rub near her clit and not directly on it. Kel bucked her hips into Joren's hand that worked her. Kel felt tense and confused by the sensations. She had known that being with a man was pleasurable but she hadn't known it would feel like this! Joren continued to drawn forth gasps and bitten off moans, he repositioned his hand so that he could work a finger into her wet welcoming body and his thumb continued to brush near her oversensitive bud.

Kel tensed at the intrusion and Joren groaned at how tight she was. Joren had been with women before but Kel was so very tight around his finger that gently prodded into her while Joren finally released her nipple from his mouth and moved to bury his face into her neck whispering for her to relax. She did and Joren proceeded to pump his finger into her tightness, working in another finger slowly. By the third finger Kel was grinding her hips into his hand, reaching for something completely unfamiliar to her but trusting Joren to lead her there. Her ears could detects the squelching sound Joren's fingers made as he thrust them into her and the feeling of her wetness dripping out past his fingers and more and more of it being produced by her aroused body. And then it happened. Her body started to convulse and the pleasure completely wrapped itself around her, Joren continued to pump his fingers into her and run his thumb now directly over her clit as she rode wave after wave of her very first orgasm. He continued to do this until her hand grabbed his wrist, her body too sensitive to his touch. Joren pulled his hand from her pants while Kel lay on her bedroll panting.

She looked over to see Joren licking at his fingers sticky with her juices and she groaned. Joren chucked. "How do you feel?"

"Amazing," she said, awe evident in her voice. Joren smirked. Kel could still feel the bulging erection against her leg and she looked at him very seriously before asking "how do I make you feel like that?"

Joren looked at her for a moment before insisting that it wasn't necessary. "Kel you don't have to. I can take care of it myself."

"Joren we're not in a relationship," Kel pointed out. "This whole thing between us is about  _both_  our physical gratification." Joren's eyes bore into her before he sighed, conceding to her logic and his own burning need. Joren took hold of her hand spit into it and pushed it into his pants where it brushed against his erection. Her formed her hand around it and told her to grip it. Kel did and Joren tensed.

"Not that tightly, a tad looser." He gasped out. She followed his instructions and when she had a hold of it the way he liked she looked at him for further instruction. Her heart was still pounding in her chest from her orgasm and partly from the thrill and the forbidden feeling their affair had. "Now start moving your hand up and down." Kel complied and Joren threw his head back and stifled a moan. "Like that, twist a little bit when you get to the head." He ordered.

Kel stilled her hand and looked at him confused. "The what?" she inquired.

"The head, the end of it, gods! Please don't stop," he sputtered out. She resumed her movements and Joren let out a deep sound in his chest. Kel received no more instruction from Joren so she continued for a few moments like he had told her before she fell into a rhythm, albeit an awkward one before she started to experiment with different things. On one down stroke she held him in her hand as tightly as she dared to without hurting him on an up stroke she spread her fingers out and wiggled them. Each time she did something like this Joren would gasp suddenly and then let out a long drawn out groan of pleasure. Kel began to enjoy the heady powerful feeling she got from her actions. She could do this to him. Kel quickened her pace and then just as quickly slowed down. She continued this random, inexperience pattern until he stiffened and let out a moan and she felt something hot spurt out of his manhood. Startled she let go only to have Joren quickly put his hand around hers again and pump him until her was satisfied. When he released her hand she removed it from his breeches and inspected the whitish body fluids on her hand. Remembering how Joren had licked his own hands when he'd removed them from her she gave a tentative lick to the substance on her hand. It was bitter.

"You don't have to do that," Joren panted, pushing her hand away from her mouth.

"But you did it," Kel pointed out.

"Yes but you taste good down there," Kel blushed at his admission. "I hope one day can put my mouth there and pleasure you." His words made her feel oddly warm and scandalized.

"That's disgusting." Kel told him. "Why would anyone put their mouth down there?"

"Because it feels good," Joren answered sleepily. His body was well relaxed after his release.

"Well it's still weird." Kel said firmly.

"We can ease into that then if you like. I think I'm quite content to use my fingers on you." Joren said.

"I don't think I want to ease into that." Kel admitted. "It seems so…" she was at a loss for words.

"That's okay we don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. But you might change your mind after you get bored of me just using my hands to get you off." Joren told her seriously. "I'd better go." Joren added. He stood up from her bedroll and looked down longingly at her breasts before wincing and looking down at his crotch. "Well this is going to be an uncomfortable walk back to my room." He sighed. "Until next time Kel." With that he was gone, sneaking silently and effortlessly out of her tent. Kel shivered at the cool air it let in when he did so and then searched for her shirt. She pulled it back on before looking around her tent. She was still awake and if she was honest with herself she could feel the stirring in her loins again since she had jacked off Joren. She lay back down into her bedroll remembering what Joren had done and slipped her fingers into her own breeches, repeating the ministrations Joren had done.

She had heard that men could pleasure themselves, so Kel logically assumed women could as well. She had assumed right. It didn't feel quite like Joren's rough and calloused hands but it still felt wonderful. Building up that same pressure and feeling in her stomach as before. Kel panted rhythmically with her hand and she felt her skin dampen with sweat. Before she knew it she was coming again, jerking her hips against her own hand. When she was satisfied she pulled her hand free and wiped her wet fingers on her breeches. Content she fell asleep.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry for the long wait! It's been a bit crazy here because my uncle just passed away and what with the holiday weekend. Also my car broke down and it was $700to fix because the timing belt broke and my spark plugs were bad. Excuse my excessive and gross sobbing while vowing to never forgo easy and scheduled car maintenance again. Anyways welcome back for another exciting addition (is it edition? This is confusing…) to A Squire's Pain. I hope everyone has been enjoying themselves. Per a reviewers request I'm adding something about Lalasa's kidnapping and Kel and Joren angst thank you moleking for bringing it to my attention! I've been watching a lot of BBC stuff like Sherlock and Doctor Who (SIDE NOTE: WHO SAW THE DAY OF THE DOCTOR!? I thought it was brilliant) so I find myself using some British terms. Sorry if this annoys you. I just think they kind of fit with this story and the voices of the characters. Also I keep snickering to myself about Kel's carpentry skills. I think she needs to take lessons from Thor to learn how to use a hammer and not hurt herself. Sorry for the wait and as always I hope you enjoy!

When Kel woke up she felt happier than she had in a long time. She couldn't remember the last time she felt so light, like she could manage her pain and she could deal with her problems. She felt wonderful that day. She thought about the previous night's events and blushed. In fact Kel couldn't keep the blush that frequently rose to her cheeks off her face the entire day. Joren and her had crossed a line in their relationship that was clearly labeled "there is no going back". No matter how much back peddling they did it would not erase the events of last night, and Kel wasn't sure she wanted to forget anyways. She felt slightly guilty for allowing a man whom she was not in love with to do those things to her,  _with_  her, but at the same time she was giddy about it. Kel was grateful for their lack of emotional attachment. It allowed her to think about things unbiased. Kel knew she and Joren would continue on with whatever it was between them, but it was forever changed.

Kel shook her head and refocused on her task. She was helping Dom's squad set up the stands that they would use for the tournaments in a few days when the King and his court arrived at Stone Mountain. It was fun working with Dom's squad they were all quick to laugh and crack a joke at another's expense. It made working fun, even though majority of the jokes made were at her inability to work a simple hammer.

"How is it you can wield that pig-sticker of yours," Qasim asked "but not a simple hammer?" Kel made a rude gesture towards the Bazhir who grabbed his chest in mock hurt. "Your sentiment pains me Lady Squire!" Kel rolled her eyes. It was hard to take these men seriously.

"What I would like to know is how this simple hammer can do more damage to you that all your enemies combined?" Dom said pulling her hands gently into his to inspect them. "You're hopeless," he declared pursing his lips when he saw all the damage.

Kel quickly pulled her hands from him. "I just need practice is all." Kel said more to assure herself than them.

"Sure, sure," Dom waved off her conviction to master the hammer, "meanwhile we should all make sure the git that lives here doesn't find out your weakness."

"Who Joren?" Kel asked.

"Yes he was the one who kidnapped your maid right?" Dom asked. Kel's heart leapt into her throat. She had somehow forgotten that fact in the chaos of Joren finding out her secret, her waves of unstable emotions, and their attraction to each other. Kel felt physically ill. How could she forget how cruel he had been? All the terrible things he did to her and those around her simply because he didn't like her? "You okay Kel?" Dom asked her, concern lighting his blue sapphire eyes.

"I'm just not feeling all that well all of a sudden." Kel admitted, her good mood plummeting into the sick and twisted feelings in her gut.

"Maybe you should go lie down," Wolset suggested, over hearing them. Kel opened her mouth to protest when Dom took her by the shoulders and started leading her away.

"Come along Mindelan, off to bed you go." Dom told her cheerfully. He led her to her tent and told her to rest up and that his squad could more than handle things. Kel made him promise to inform Lord Raoul of her whereabouts before resigning herself to lie down in her tent for a while.

When she entered her tent the sick feeling intensified. Joren had lain with her on that very bedroll and they had been intimate with one another. Kel wanted to vomit. She was still attracted to Joren, how could she not? But she was angry, angry with him for kidnapping Lalasa, angry that he had gotten away with it with no more than a slap on the wrist  _fine_. Kel had promised her maid she would protect her and look out for her and here she was in bed with the enemy. Quite literally. Kel fumed as she balled up her bedroll and threw it to the other side of her tent. She stomped angrily to a corner and sat down with a huff.

She sat there like that for a good long while before her tent flap opened and Joren popped his head in. Seeing her he quickly entered before anyone saw him. "Hey Kel I was looking for you. I didn't see you with the Own or Lord Raoul, what are you doing here?" He asked her, worry evident in his voice.

Kel ignored his question and instead hissed out a firm "Get out." Joren's eye brows rose and disappeared under his pale blond hair. As long as he had known Kel she had never taken that tone with him, well recently anyways.

"What's wrong Kel?" he tried again. He moved to pat a comforting hand on her shoulder but she jerked away from his touch.

"You want to know what's wrong?" She asked her voice full of venom. "I was just reminded that  _you_  kidnapped Lalasa so I would fail my Page Examinations!" Kel turned to look at him her hazel eyes full of accusations. Joren sucked in a breath. He knew they would have to address this sooner or later and frankly he was hoping for later and not when she was so visibly hostile.

"Look Kel," Joren began.

"I don't want to hear your excuses!" Kel raised her voice and Joren started to worry about someone hearing them. Joren grabbed her arm and pulled her up so they were face to face. "What are you doing? Joren-" he covered her mouth with a rough hand and muffled her next words.

"Will you listen for a second?" She vehemently shook her head. "Fine I'll talk anyways, it's up to you to listen. I did not kidnap Lalasa." Joren felt her protest, her hot breath on his palm, her words did not reach is ears but he could venture a guess as to what she had said. "Vinson was the one who did it; I took the fall for him." Kel's eyes were focused on him; she didn't believe what he had told her. Joren took his hand from his mouth and started speaking before she could. "Vinson came up with the plan after you interrupted him trying to rape her. He waited to make sure you would have to repeat all four years and not just one year. You can choose to believe me or not, but that's the truth."

Kel remained silent for a moment; Joren huffed and turned to leave when he heard her ask in a small voice "why would you take the blame if it was Vinson?"

"I didn't do it out of any loyalty to Vinson if that's what you're thinking. I did it because I needed blacken my name just enough to make sure my father couldn't use me as a pawn for certain plans of his." Joren responded.

"You mean the coup your father is involved in?" Kel asked.

Joren inhaled sharply and turned to look at her. "You know?"

"The entire Own knows. Dom," Joren growled low in his throat. Kel ignored him and continued speaking "Dom told me that we came here first instead of Trebond because the King's Spymaster was suspicious of your father being involved in something like that." Joren looked at her and sighed, his shoulders sagging under the weight he felt on them.

"My father is under the impression that the Conté line has been ruling long enough and that they have loss the favor of the gods. He says that the true noble families should rise up and take the thrown so we have a true king who won't intermarry with savages and allow women to take up arms." Joren said, his voice mimicking how his father spoke.

"What do you think?" Kel wanted to know.

"I think that overthrowing the King is a foolish endeavor that will bring shame upon my family." Kel saw that blind pride Joren had in his home and in his name. "I don't want him to ruin our name like the Eldorne's after that whore sided with the king's cousin to overthrow the king. I can't make him see that this has been tried before and failed, that the most powerful sorcerer at the time couldn't do it. This king's friends are loyal and blessed by the gods. The king has the Dominion Jewel for Mithros sake!" Joren found he could stop the words pouring from his mouth as he confessed his worry for his father's foolhardy plans.

Kel moved to stand by Joren and pulled him into an embrace, comforting him. "You  _really_  weren't responsible for Lalasa's kidnapping?" She asked him again. She felt Joren smile into her hair.

"I really wasn't," he confirmed. Joren pulled away from her and met her gaze seriously. "How are you doing?" Joren asked changing the subject. He had been worried all day that what had happened last night might have damaged her mind and sense of self-worth further.

"I was feeling fantastic earlier until Dom," again Joren growled "reminded me that you kidnapped Lalasa." Joren mentally cursed the Sergeant.

"And why, pray tell, was the Sergeant reminding you of this fact?" Joren demanded.

"Well…" Kel began and bit her lip trying to decide if she should let Joren know about the embarrassing difficulty she found in using a hammer.

"Well?" Joren echoed, prompting her impatiently.

"We were building the stands for the tournaments and I may have hit my fingers with the hammer a few times and they were all teasing me about it." Kel sighed in defeat. She might as well tell him, he knew every other intimate detail of her life. "And Dom said that we'd best keep it secret from you because apparently hammers are my one weakness," Joren moved like lightning to grab her hands and examined them.

"Keladry," he breathed out her full name in astonished horror. "How could you manage to injure your hands this much?"

"I just need more practice with it and then it won't be as bad." Kel said quickly. She would not allow a simple tool used for the assembling of structures to defeat her!

"I think you should stay very far away from hammers in the future." Joren suggested and then directed their conversation back to the topic at hand. "So how does this all relate to the kidnapping of Lalasa?"

"Well Dom said to not to let those who live here know about my 'inability to wield a hammer'" Joren smiled at this and laughed softly to himself. Kel made a face at him and continued. "And when I asked if he meant you, Dom said 'yes he kidnapped your maid right?'" Kel finished tactlessly, her quick abridged tale lacking in finesse and flourish.

"You know I  _really_  hate that guy," Joren confessed.

Kel looked at him confused. "Why? Did you want to avoid talking to me about this? Lalasa was my maid I deserve to know who was really behind her kidnapping. It makes me so mad that Vinson just got away with it and let you take the fall for his deplorable actions!" Kel fumed.

"I knew I'd have to fess up about it sooner or later," Joren admitted. "Don't worry; Vinson and his father are as thick as thieves with my father in their plans. They'll trip up sooner or later." Joren looked around and sighed. He seemed to be doing that a lot recently. "Well now that that's all cleared up and you're alright I'd best be on my way before someone finds me here with you." Joren gave her a quick kiss on the lips before sticking his head cautiously out the tent and then hurriedly exited the tent and bolted off into the distance.

Kel smiled to herself and began righting her bedroll that she had thrown earlier. She felt better knowing that Joren wasn't really the one who kidnapped Lalasa, but she wasn't lying when she said she was enraged that Vinson had gotten away with it, leaving Joren to take the fall so he could avoid being a pawn in his father's schemes. Kel wanted Vinson to pay for what he had done to Lalasa, what he did to women as a whole. Vinson was the type of monster (she refused to call that vile thing a human being let alone a man) that had no regard for women and saw them as tools only which to satisfy his needs. Kel prayed to the gods that they could show Vinson the error of his ways and he could turn his life around. Kel could never wish harm upon someone, even if that someone was as vile and disgusting as Vinson but she did feel that he needed to suffer some form of punishment for his crimes as well.

Kel exhaled wearily. She would watch Vinson from now on and hopefully prevent him from hurting someone else, but for now Kel needed to find her knight master and get back to work. They only had today and tomorrow to finish their tasks before the King and the rest of the Progress joined the Own at Stone Mountain and there was a lot to be done. Kel left her tent and cautiously looked around. There wasn't anyone nearby; she was worried about someone having seen Joren leave the same tent as she had only moments before. That would certainly give the tongues at court a workout, but there was enough gossip about her now as it was. The Conservatives had her in bed with every man she met already. Kel sighed and rejoined Dom's squad in their work.

* * *

 

 

Joren felt shaken after his encounter with Kel earlier that afternoon. He hadn't realized how angry she was about Lalasa's kidnapping. He had known when he took the blame for it that she would hate him and it would ruin his lukewarm attempts at friendship. Joren sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He supposed he should come clean about that too. Joren had wanted to become her friend the first year he became a squire as he was slowly learning about his father's plans. Joren had wanted to become friends with her if only to avoid losing favor with the crown when his father inevitably made a mistake and got caught. Joren thought he could use the girl to his advantage since she was friends with the Crown Prince and several other important families in Tortall. But Kel and her friends had been suspicious of him and he couldn't fault them for that. He did have ulterior motives in befriending her at the time that would benefit him and him alone. But when Vinson had kidnapped her maid Joren saw it as an opportunity to stop his father from trying to using him to further his plans, by admitting he was guilty Joren secured a place where he could stay informed about the rebellion his father planned on leading against the Crown and not have to be involved in it. It was the ideal situation for Joren but it cost him Kel's friendship, or so her thought. Now Joren had Kel's friendship and trust but he would not use her as a pawn in his game against his father and his cohorts.

Joren was also surprised how quickly word had spread about his father's involvement with the radical faction that was against their current sovereign in the Conservative noble families and the commoners alike. He hadn't anticipated that at all. Joren would have to be very careful from here on out. He like his family was under severe scrutiny and Joren needed to secure a place for himself so that when the extent of the treason Burchard was involved in came to light he would not follow him to Traitor's Hill. Joren owed that much at least to his fief and the commoners that were in Stone Mountain's care.

"Joren?" a voice called pulling him from his thoughts. Joren turned to see his mother entering his room. "Your father would like to speak with you." She told him.

"Thank you Mother." Joren said rising to his feet to kiss her cheek. Joren's mother was a thin willowy woman. Her blond hair was going white though you could not tell most of the time and she was a loyal to a fault, especially when it came to Burchard. People always said that Adelaide of Stone Mountain was a beautiful woman and a dutiful wife and mother.

"Joren," Adelaide stopped him before he could leave. Joren looked at her waiting for her to speak her mind. "You're a good son." She told him before leaving. Joren sighed and left his room to find his father.

When he made it to his father's study door he knocked and waited for his father to shout for him to enter. When Joren opened the door he spoke "you summoned me Father?"

"Yes Joren come in and sit down. Shut the door." Burchard ordered. Joren obeyed, observing that there were others in the room Vinson's father Ciaran of Genlith most notably among the lords of the Houses of Blue Harbor, Anak's Eyrie, Tirragen, and White Horn.

"Milords," Joren greeted before taking a seat beside Lord Adwr of Anak's Eyrie.

"It has come to my attention that certain someone's are aware of our plans for a revolution" Burchard began. "We need to be more careful in our plans and-"

"Perhaps we should not listen to what you have to say Burchard, only  _your_  family is under the Crown's scrutiny." Ciaran said standing up to address the other Lords. "Now is not the time to play it safe and hide it is the time to strike and move forward! We have the man power why not take the crown now?"

"Ciaran do not be hasty. The Conté line will fall and we will install a new monarchy. One that will not commit such blasphemies as letting women believe they are equal to men or that commoners have  _rights_." Burchard snapped. "In all due time we will carry out our plans but we do not want to raise any more suspicion."

"Why not continue while they are focused on you?" Lord Daragh of Blue Harbor asked. "It is the perfect cover. The eyes of the kingdom are on you; we could carry out the rest and take this kingdom right out from under the Conté's."

"And who would we install as King?" Arthur of Tirragen asked. "You Daragh?"

"And why not me? I come from the original line of nobles same as you Arthur." Daragh barked. "Do you think  _you_  should be king?" Joren had to hide his amusement behind a bored expression. The Lords constantly bickered about who deserved to be the next King. Joren knew they would never succeed like this.

"We have already discussed this. Brathach of White Horn is to be out King," Burchard said nodding to the other Lord present. "He is kinsmen to the current line from many generations back and would allow a peaceful transition into his reign."

"And that makes him more worthy than another?" Ciaran demanded. "I do not believe we need someone who is as weak willed as King Jonathan to take the thrown."

"Are you questioning my honor Ciaran?" Brathach asked, amused.

"Milords," Joren spoke up, he needed to stop this madness or he would be stuck there all day listening to this idiocy. "I believe in light of current events we should not be fighting amongst ourselves. Remember who our enemy is."  _Your enemy_  Joren mentally corrected. He did not like or approve of the King or the Progressive movement the kingdom was taking but Joren did not violently respond to it like these men did. Joren would just sigh and resign himself to live in the ever changing world and bitterly wish for things to be as they once were. He would not waste his energy fighting the oncoming tide of change like the men present.

"Joren is right," Adwr said. "How can we expect to organize this if we ourselves are not organized?" There were several more flourishing speeches about how they were fulfilling their duty and their unfailing loyalty to their cause before Burchard called them to order and laid out their plan. They would arrest the royal family and try the King and Queen for treason against the realm and behead them on Traitor's Hill. It was likely the older children would also be executed; perhaps the younger ones might survive and return to the fief of Conté no doubt to live out their lives under constant guard or they would remain imprisoned until their deaths. Then the new monarchy of Brathach "the Great and Fair" would be established. Joren had to force himself not to roll his eyes. They were like a room full of indignant children plotting against their nursemaids who would not allow them to have a cookie. Before too long Joren was dismissed from their presence as their conversation turned to the women they have bedded, Joren was thankful that he didn't have to hear about his father's indiscretions, not when his mother was so faithful and devoted to him.

Joren decided he would go and see what Kel was up to, he didn't like the idea of leaving her around that Sergeant she was fond of for too long because it was only a matter of time before the fool confessed his feelings towards her and Kel would reciprocate and feel obligated to end things between her and Joren even though she still needed him to help her deal with her unhealthy habit she had developed. Joren would not leave her side until he knew he had helped her through this, then they could go back to the way things used to be.

* * *

 

 

Kel helped Dom's squad the rest of the afternoon until they had finished their tasks. She had been forbidden to pick up a hammer again and instead helped them by holding things in place while others used the hammers to pound the nails into the wood. Once they were done with building the stands they moved onto building the tournament rings and the jousting lanes. Kel was completely exhausted by dinner time when she sat around the fire with a bowl of stew in her hand and a piece of bread balanced precariously on the edge of the bowl. She sat beside Dom who was busy teasing his fellow sergeant Aiden.

"You're just sour because my squad is far superior to yours Aiden." Dom laughed.

"How can I be jealous of your motley band of misfits and pranksters? Milord even knows you lot are a lost cause, that's why he put Lady Kel with you so you'd actually get something done." Aiden shot back.

"He put's Kel with us," Dom chuckled "because he knows to put her where she'll learn the most, right Kel?" Dom asked bringing her into the conversation.

Kel looked at Dom with her eyes wide and pointedly looked away to indicate she had no desire to join the argument and would remain neutral. Aiden burst out laughing, joined by several other members of the Own.

"You see there Dom, Kel can't even speak out of fear from your rag-tag bunch that can't match the exceptional skills of my squad." Aiden smirked.

Dom gasped scandalized, "Aiden our beloved Lady Kel here has nothing to fear from any man in the Own." Dom vowed solemnly. "She simply doesn't want to hurt your feelings by admitting how great my squad and leadership skills are."

Kel rolled her eyes and muttered something about him being too much like Meathead and Dom choked on a bite of stew while staring at her in horror. "That was cruel Kel! Comparing me to my meathead cousin when we are nothing alike," Dom wheezed out once he could speak the rest of the men where all hiding their smiles and snickers behind bowls of food.

Kel smiled while she bit into her bread and shrugged. "Sorry Dom," she said once she swallowed the bread. Kel grinned cheekily at him and added "it just must be the family resemblance." Dom's jaw once again dropped and the men around were snorting in their efforts to not laugh. That was how Joren found them, Kel and the men laughing at Dom who was busy puffing his chest out and reciting how he and Neal had nothing in common. When they noticed Joren they all fell silent except for Dom who was busy trying to impress Kel, and Kel being his captive audience. They noticed after a moment that it was too quiet and looked around before noticing Joren.

"Oh hello," Kel said after a moment.

"Can we help you?" Aiden asked in a false polite tone.

"Just thought I would get to know some of you since we will be traveling the Progress together for a while," Joren answered, he made it a point to not stare at Kel the entire time he spoke. It wouldn't be good if someone figured out there was more to their relationship than blind hate at this time. Joren sat next to Qasim and Wolset and looked at the men waiting for them to being talking again.

No one spoke, they all just stared at Joren, an interloper in their midst. Dom finally took pity on him and spoke. "Well then Joren it looks like you'll have to go through the initiation process if you want to hang out with us." Dom had that evil glint to his blue eyes which must have been contagious because soon all the men had it.

"Did Keladry go through this 'initiation process'?" Joren wondered.

"As Milord's squire we are forbidden from pranking her, getting her mixed up in our shenanigans, and otherwise endangering her in anyway by pain of death." Qasim recited the familiar speech Lord Raoul had given them on the day he announced to the Own he was taking her as his squire. Kel's head shot up in surprise.

"If that's true why were you all trying to recruit me into your midst of pranksters since we arrived?" Kel looked at Dom why she asked this.

"Well Milady," Dom drawled, Joren scowled the idiot was flirting with her. "I am simply encouraging you to take hold of the opportunity you've been given."

"Uhuh," Kel said disbelievingly.

"Now back to you Squire Joren," Qasim said directing the attention away from Dom's flirting. "If you want to associate with us fine chaps you must prank the Knight and Commander of the King's Own successfully without getting caught."

"But I thought Milord told you all to be on your best behavior and no pranks while we are at Stone Mountain" Kel pointed out.

"Hush Mother," Dom quipped. "We lads need to have our fun otherwise we might get into more serious trouble." Kel rolled her eyes and stood up.

"Well then I'll leave you to it boys." She gave them a mock bow before strolling to her tent. Kel and the men had an understanding; she would look the other way when they were planning pranks (and often times they found it best when Kel knew nothing of their plans due to her honest nature) and they would teach her all the dirty hand to hand combat tricks and other fighting styles they knew.

Joren tried not to frown when Kel left, he had come all the way to where the Own was camped to spend time with her not, he thought sourly, to be surrounded by a bunch of man children who were busy suggesting ridiculous ideas to him to complete his task of pranking Lord Raoul. But Joren resigned himself to make friends with the Own, it would make spending time around Kel less suspicious and he could easily keep an eye on Kel and the Sergeant who was making progress into Kel's affections.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm so very sorry I took so long to update. It's been one thing after another here my car broke down, my Grandma was in the hospital, my parents car broke down…twice, my laptop crashed and I was forced to buy a new one, and someone then hit my car when I was at work. It has been the very definition of chaos. Anyways thanks to all my readers and reviewers! So there is a scene in here I wrote out a while ago because I thought it up and really liked it. I was inspired to write that scene while watching Shameless (with Love the Omni forever ago) and Mickey tells Ian he's nothing but a warm mouth to him. So I kind of sort of borrowed that line from Shameless. Worry not I will cite it in the story! Also I have decided that since this is a KelJoren fic and because I just really can't deal with writing a character death anytime soon that Joren shall live. I'm sorry I just couldn't pull a Kripke/ Moffat/Whedon on you guys. I have a heart, plus I'm not a talented enough writer that I think I could get away with that. I might do an alternate ending where Joren dies though hmm thoughts. What do you all think?

 

Later that night after Joren finally retired from the company of the Own he walked back to the gloomy structure of Stone Mountain and then snuck back to the tents undetected to find Kel. He found her awake in her tent cleaning her armor and weapons calmly while Jump and the sparrows arrange themselves around her. The atmosphere was one of content and when Kel looked up her eyes brightened to see him slipping into her tent.

"I was wondering if I would see you again tonight," Kel said turning back to her work. Joren sat down on the ground in front of her, her weapons and armor between them.

"I had originally tried to find you earlier but I was detained by a mad group of soldiers insistent that I prank the Giant Killer." Joren responded dryly.

"Yea Dom and his squad can be a bit…" Kel trailed off trying to think of an appropriate term for them.

"Idiotic? Childish?" Joren supplied.

"No, overwhelmingly enthusiastic about pranks," Kel said.

Joren snorted. "I think they're idiots." Kel cracked a smile.

"They can be sometimes, but they're fun to work with and be around." Kel replied thinking of the first time she rode out with the Own and realized that the next four years of squiredom would be hard work but would also be fun with the group and the sudden knowledge that not all warriors were as serious as Lord Wyldon.

"Can you ever not insult someone without immediately listing their virtues?" Joren asked seriously.

"Yes, I've said all kinds of horrible things about you and your lot of friends." Kel answered mockingly.

"I'm sure you did, and then went on to proclaim: 'but Joren sure is brilliant with a sword!'" Joren returned mimicking her voice at the end.

"I did not!" Kel whispered scandalized.

"Sure," Joren teased. Kel opened her mouth to reprimand Joren but thought better of it and closed her mouth and went back to work. They remained in a companionable silence for a few moments before Kel decided to ask the question that had been weighing on her mind since she left Joren with the men at the fire a few hours earlier.

"Joren what am I to you?" Kel asked. Joren whipped his head up and stared at her in horror, his face was a mask of confusion, betrayal, and fear. "I know we're sort of friends and not in a relationship of the conventional sense, but you did try and seek me out when I was having dinner with the Own and I just," Kel trailed off unable to put words to the thoughts swirling around in her head. She took a deep breath and tried again. "I don't want there to be any misunderstandings. I know you care about this," she gestured to her scared arms, "but beyond that I don't know."

_She's telling me not to become too attached to her_  Joren realized. Joren was angry now. How dare she act as if he was one of her idiot friends who blindly followed her around like lost puppies? "Don't worry Kel," Joren sneered. "You're noting but a warm mouth to me" ("Parenthood"). With that Joren stood and left her tent, not caring who saw. Kel looked stunned, she had meant for them to have a conversation confirming that they both were not romantically inclined about their arrangement but Joren had gotten angry. Why? It made Kel furious that he started this arrangement between them and when Kel only wanted assurance neither of them expected anything of the other he stormed off. Kel shook with rage and disgustedly pushed her armor away from her and stood. She looked around her tent and clenched her hands into a fist trying to understand why Joren's actions had made her so unreasonably angry. Deciding that a walk would cool her off Kel whistled for Jump to follow her and she left her tent with Jump trailing after her worriedly.

Kel stomped along the river that was not far from where they were camped. The more she thought of Joren's rude comment the angrier she became. Why couldn't he be an adult and just talk to her without snapping at her? All she wanted to know was what she was to Joren.  _And now you know_  a voice in her mind told her.  _You're just a warm body in his bed nothing more._  But Joren cared about her cutting herself and wanted to help her. That contradicted his statement, and the way he had looked at her hands after she told him about her injuries from using a hammer. That contradicted it to. Come to think of it Joren had growled any time she mentioned Dom. Kel was confused now. Joren had just confirmed he felt absolutely nothing towards her but he was almost acting like a jealous lover.

Kel shook that thought away quickly. She and Joren were not lovers. They weren't anything, they were just Joren and Kel, squires who knew one another but that did not have any other kind of attachment other than the loathing and quasi-friendship they shared with one another. Kel sighed, she had no reason to be upset, Joren had just confirmed what Kel herself wanted to know, they weren't anything to each other and their new arrangement had not changed that. She felt the anger in her belly dissipate and left her feeling empty and sad. Why she felt sad Kel didn't know but she pushed the feeling away and focused on more important matters. The King and the court would be arriving the day after tomorrow and the Own had completed most of their tasks already. There was still work to be done and no doubt they would have to rise early to complete it. Kel groaned at that thought and began trudging back to her tent.

When Kel made it back to her tent she half expected to walk in and find Joren there but her tent was empty except for the sparrows that had bedded down in various places. Jump entered and snuggled down on her bedroll. Kel smiled at the dog before putting away her armor and weapons for the night. Then she changed into her nightshirt and crawled into her bedroll moving Jump over a bit so she could get comfortable. Jump moved over slowly and circled a few times by her feet, shooting her an indignant look he finally settled down again to sleep. Kel chucked softly and closed her own eyes to fall asleep while thoughts shifted in her head that made absolutely no sense.

* * *

The next morning when she woke Kel knew that today would not be one of her better days. There was a twisted and barbed ball of self-loathing and dejection that had settled painfully in her chest. Kel contemplated for a moment of just staying in bed and not bothering with anything that day of course she wouldn't really do that but Kel longed to regardless. She rose and grabbed her practice glaive and began her morning pattern dances on autopilot. Jump and the sparrows could sense their mistress' distress and watched her carefully. The animals didn't know exactly what was wrong with their mistress but they feared for her. She had been acting weird for a while now, but now that the blond haired man was around her moods were even more unpredictable. The sparrows had discussed amongst themselves in their series of peeps and chatter while Kel finished one of her more complex pattern dances with a flourish. She mopped the light layer of sweat from her forehead and went to her water basin to wash herself, clean her teeth and get ready for the day.

She was combing her hair while contorting her tall body to look into the small hand held mirror she packed when Kel stopped and studied her reflection. She wasn't pretty at best she was average with too bright hazel eyes lines with dark lashes. Her eyes didn't match her face they should have been on the face of a pretty court lady not the sturdy, dust covered Squire Kel. She sighed and put the mirror down. It wasn't like anyone cared for her appearance, Joren didn't care what she looked like, he'd made that clear last night. The only boy who had ever called her pretty was Cleon and Kel suddenly regretted turning him down. Any love she could receive was better than this, but she had probably mucked things up too much with Cleon and he was betrothed to a prettier girl anyways. Kel could see the lonely years stretch out before her monotonously. She was not meant to be loved by anyone; she would be alone her whole life and die alone too. But she would have her shield she would accomplish at least that much in her lifetime she thought with some satisfaction. Kel sighed and found the strength to rise to her feet and leave her tent to face the day.

She met Dom and his squad for breakfast by the fire. She took her plate from one of the men and nodded her thanks before sitting down on one of the logs they had moved there. Dom sat beside her and greeted her with a smile.

"Good morning Kel," Dom said in an almost sing-song voice. He had a wide smile and his eyes were cheerful, too cheerful.

"Dom, what did you do?" Kel asked him worriedly.

"Nothing I am hurt that you would come to such a conclusion." Dom replied his face contorted into a mask of hurt.

Kel eyed him suspiciously and opened her mouth to say something to him when she heard a crash and her knight master roar with fury. Raoul crawled out of his tent that had collapsed on him when he rose only moments before. Kel turned and saw him and bit back laughter. Raoul was covered in broken bits of string and his hair was wet and dripping some sticky substance. His cheeks were red with embarrassment and perhaps the facepaint that was on his lips and eyelids as well. Not to mention the rather exquisitely drawn moustache above his impossibly red painted lips. He rose to his feet and stormed over to Dom's squad and immediately demanded to know who was responsible.

"None of us Milord I can assure you," Dom said his face in a wide grin. "You told us no pranks and everyone in the Own follows your orders to the T milord."

Raoul's face was not amused. "Yes I know you follow my orders exactly which is why you've managed to find some way around them." Raoul snapped. "Since you lads have so much time on your hands you can do all the rest of the work on your own. Kel you have the day off to do what you wish." With that Raoul stomped off bellowing orders at the men as he went to wash off in the stream.

When Raoul was out of earshot Dom and his entire squad started laughing. Wolset wiped away a tear a moment later and declared "I didn't know that Stone Mountain lad had it in him!"

"I didn't think he even had a sense of humor," Qasim added.

"Well you know he has no sense of self preservation," Lerant said staring at Raoul's retreating form with a frown.

Kel didn't know what to make of the situation Joren, serious and ever rude Joren had participated in the age old initiation tradition of the Own by pranking the Knight and Commander. It was out of character for him, though Kel supposed as she has gotten closer to him since Midwinter she had come to realize she never truly known Joren. Before he was just a bigoted chauvinistic bully incapable of compassion and now he had proven to her that he was misinformed and ill-taught by his father. He was kind to her and cruel other times, Joren was complicated. Kel didn't know if she could handle complicated with her own insecurities she mused while absentmindedly rubbing her scared arm hidden away under her shirt sleeve.

"So Kel what are you going to do with your day off?" Wolset asked when he had regained his composure. Dom sat stiffly waiting to hear the answer and pretend that he wasn't listening at the same time.

"Despite what Milord said I think I should still help you lot to make sure everything gets done in time." Kel answered.

"I don't think it's wise to disobey Milord's orders," Lerant piped in. "He's cross as it is."

"But what about all the work that has to be done? It has to be done before tomorrow," Kel reminded obstinately.

"Don't worry Kel we'll manage without you." Qasim said cheerfully as if to reassure her but the only thing that it did was confirm to Kel that she was not needed and useless. With a weary sigh Kel resigned herself to spending the day meandering around with no real purpose. Exactly the opposite of what she needed, she had been hoping to lose herself in work that she could forget about her deeply nested black feelings for a while.

"So what do you plan to do?" Wolset repeated.

"I don't know I might take Peachblossom out for a ride," she replied. Dom who had sat quietly listening to the exchange and tried to hide a grin, he had something he wanted to tell Kel and had been waiting for an opportunity to catch her alone and the occasion had just presented itself.

After breakfast Kel and the men of the Own went their separate ways, them to work, her to go and try and sort herself out on a ride with Peachblossom. She made her way to the stables and to Peachblossom's stall and made quick work of saddling him before she mounted him and off they went. Jump and the sparrows aware of their mistress's mood had decided to give her some space and stayed in the stable with Hoshi. But their too-intelligent animal eyes worriedly watched her until she was out of sight.

Kel rode Peachblossom at a steady pace lost in her thoughts. She was so confused over Joren's behavior and actions and she worried about how much help he would actually be to her in her current situation. Perhaps it would be best to stop their secret trysts and go back to how it was before. She was sure she could manage on her own now and if need be she could tell Neal. Kel knew that was a lie, she'd take this secret to her grave but she was suspecting she needed to stop things with Joren before they got too involved. Her pretend plan made her feel a bit more secure because if Kel was being honest with herself (not honest enough to admit out loud that the telling Neal bit was a lie mind you) she was terrified of trusting Joren only to have him pull the rug out from underneath her. She was giving her enemy the power to destroy her and there was a very good chance that he would do just that.

Kel took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. She was determined to stick to what she had just decided. She didn't need to be a bother to anyone, least of all someone who had sworn to destroy her chances of becoming a knight and fulfilling her dreams. Kel thought longingly about her dreams of knighthood for a moment. She was sure that once she obtained it everything would be fine and all that she had gone through would be worth it. If she could just hold on for a few more years she would have everything she dreamed of to fill the void in her.

Feeling a tiny amount of relief Kel took a look at her surroundings for the first time. She had been riding Peachblossom for a few hours and he had taken her along a much used trail in the forest where his mistress could collect herself and her thoughts without having to worry about where they were going.

"We should probably head back," Kel commented quietly and turned Peachblossom around to do just that. It took less than half the time Kel had been out riding to return to the stables at Stone Mountain because she had urged the gelding to a quicker pace and not the slow ambling pace the had taken to before while circling the trail. Kel slid out of the saddle and went to the task of taking off Peachblossom's tack and brushing and cooling her mount off. So focus on her task she was Kel didn't realize someone else had entered the stables until she heard Dom's smooth voice from behind her.

"Have a nice ride?" He asked. Kel jumped, startled and she whirled around to face him.

"Dom you scared me," Kel laughed weakly her heart still thudding in her chest.

"Sorry, I saw you coming back and I thought I'd come and talk to you," Dom said with a smile.

"I thought you all had work to do," Kel reminded.

"Yes Mother but then if all we lads were diligently working away who would be here to keep you company and entertained?" Dom inquired.

"I think I could manage just fine without company Dom," Kel replied.

Dom gave her a heart fluttering grin, the white of his teeth flashing against his still tanned, dirt and travel weathered skin. Kel noticed that he hadn't shaved in a few days and that he had the start of a beard peppering the lower half of his face and Kel absently wondered what it would feel like if she touched it. She quickly shook that thought away as she returned her focus to what Dom was saying.

"Oh I've no doubt you can manage just fine by yourself milady I just thought I'd take a break and seek out your delightful company," Dom returned. From an unseen shadowed entrance of the stables Joren watched with barely contained fury as he witnessed the Sergeant flirting with Kel. He unconsciously clenched his fists and ground his teeth and he continued to watch the exchange.

Kel rolled her eyes at Dom's admission. "I don't think you should be taking breaks after you've barely just started working." Kel turned back to Peachblossom and continued brushing him.

"Am I bothering you?" Dom suddenly asked, the flirting hue in his voice had been dropped and in its stead there was an edge of uncertainty to the tenor of his voice.

"No why do you think that?" Kel asked him confused.

"Just seems like I'm bothering you since you keep insisting I get back to work." Dom answered. Something in his tone made her heart squeeze painfully. She set the brush down and exited Peachblossom's stall to stand in front of Dom.

"No you're not bothering me Dom I just," her voice caught in her throat, she quickly cleared it with a small cough and started again. "I just figured you had more important things to do than hang around me." She answered.

"I don't think I'll ever have anything more important to do than hang around you," Dom said huskily.

"What do you mean by that?" Kel asked, tilting her head to the side in confusion. Dom didn't answer her, instead he moved closer to her until they were barely inches apart. His hands went to her hips as he moved in to kiss her. Kel's eyes were wide in shock, Dom was kissing her. Once the initial shock wore off she hesitantly returned the kiss. All too quickly it was over and Kel could feel her cheeks heating up in a blush that matched Dom's redden face as he pulled away. They stood there awkwardly in silence for a moment. Dom opened his mouth to speak but before he could get anything out they heard someone outside calling for Dom.

He gave her a pained look. "Can we talk about this later?" he asked hopefully.

"Of course," Kel answered. He smiled at her and ran off to find the owner of the voice who dared to interrupt this moment with Kel.

Kel remained still for a second longer before quickly going back to Peachblossom to throw her arms around the giant horse's neck and bury her burning face into his collar.

"Well that was interesting," Joren commented dryly

Kel jumped and once again turned to see who had snuck up on her. Seeing Joren she icily said "oh Joren, I didn't see you  _lurking_  there." Today just wasn't her day.

"Arrogant lesser noble son," Joren growled out after he moved to stand outside Peachblossom's stall.

"Lesser Noble? Joren, Masbolle's in the Book of Gold just like you," Kel defended, confused at Joren's comment.

"He's a lesser son. Not an heir." Joren explained. "Why did you let him kiss you?" Joren demanded.

Kel shrugged. "I don't know. Why do you care Joren? I'm just a warm mouth to you remember." Kel reminded, once again feeling rage building in her.

"I care because I don't think he has your best interest at heart," Joren replied shoving down his feelings of jealousy.

"And you do?" Kel asked incredulously.

"More than he does," Joren retorted. "You won't even turn to your  _friends_ for help with your problem. Instead you trust me with your secrets." He reminded.

"Well maybe I shouldn't." Kel snapped, turning away from him back to pet Peachblossom's neck. Joren looked taken aback at her words. In a softer voice she continued. "I've been thinking that we should stop this. I should tell my friends about what I've been doing and get proper help." As Kel spoke the words she knew in her heart it was all for show. She would never tell anyone about this. She would go back to pretending everything was fine and ignoring it.

Joren watched her carefully as she deliberately avoided making eye contact with him. "You're lying," Joren accused.

That startled Kel and she whipped around to stare at him in barely contained fury, "You have no right to say or even think that. You think because I trusted you for a brief moment and we spent some time together that makes you an expert on me? I don't think so Joren" She sneered.

"Spent some time together?" Joren repeated. He had tried to avoid being nasty to her but she was pushing him. "Spending time together? Is that what you call what we're doing? So that's it is that it? You're done 'spending time together' with me and what to go 'spend time together' with that idiot?" Joren gestured to where Dom had exited the stables.

"He has  _nothing_  to do with this," Kel growled.

"Sure doesn't seem like it to me." Joren responded haughtily. When Kel didn't respond to him, only turn back to brush Peachblossom angrily he sighed softly to himself his anger deflating a bit. "If it's not about the idiot-"

"Dom," Kel corrected.

"So if it's not about  _Dom_ ," Joren said through gritted teeth trying to keep his anger in check. "What is this about?"

Kel stilled her movements. Joren waited for an answer but she gave him none, only remained frozen beside her mount unable to form words to the fears that had been plaguing her. Joren entered the stall with her and Peachblossom, immediately gaining her attention she pushed Joren out of Peachblossom's biting range. "Are you  _crazy_?!" She asked him hysterically.

"What?" Joren asked surprised by her sudden movements.

"Peachblossom doesn't like anyone in his stall but me and a few select others," Kel told him and she tried to pull her hands off his chest and retreat to the safety Peachblossom offered her but Joren quickly caught her hands and held them against him. She could feel the warmth of him beneath her hands and it stirred up unwelcomed feelings in the pit of her belly.

Joren's icy blue eyes bore into her as he repeated his earlier question. "What is wrong Kel?" Kel saw the concern in his gaze and it broke her, the tears she had been fighting sprang from her eyes as she threw herself into his embrace. Joren held her tight against him, again surprised by her actions. The normally reserved Kel did not behave like this and he didn't fully know how to handle it.

"I'm afraid you're going to hurt me," Kel managed to gasp out her head firmly nuzzled against his broad chest. Joren felt something in him break and he rested his chin on the top of her head, his lips against her hair.

"I won't hurt you on purpose Kel," He told her gently, suddenly regretting his harsh comments he had made to her in the past days and his lustful actions before that. Obviously he was pushing Kel beyond what she was able to manage. "I won't do anything to you Kel that you're not strong enough to handle," he whispered to her. She sniffled into his chest in response. "I can't promise I'll be any good at this Kel, I'm a bad person but I want to help you. I won't abandon you now okay?" He felt her nod. "I won't leave until you're ready. I care too much about you now." Joren admitted.

Kel pulled away only enough to look up at him. "You care?" Kel echoed.

"I do," Joren confessed. "We're not enemies anymore Kel, we're friends. Is that okay? Can we be friends?"

Kel gave him a watery grin and sniffled again. "Of course we can be friends."

"Friends who do this?" Joren inquired as he quickly kissed her. He saw her blush underneath her already red splotched face from crying and again she nodded. "Good. Is it unreasonable that I request that you don't do these kinds of things with anybody else?" Kel looked at him sharply. "I won't be doing them elsewhere either. I just think we need to focus on you and you can't be with someone if you can't be honest about your cutting." Joren amended.

"I don't think that's unreasonable," Kel finally said after deliberating for a moment. "I just need to find a way to let Dom down easy."

"Just tell him you're not interested and that he needs to back off." Joren glowered. He hated when she mentioned Dom, that idiot was such a flirt and couldn't possibly be serious about Kel. Not that he himself was either, Joren quickly corrected his thoughts. Joren was simply invested deeply in the well-being of Kel that Dom could never do due to his position in the Own.

"I don't want to hurt his feelings," Kel replied biting her lip.

"You are interested in him aren't you?" Joren sighed.

"A little," she answered.

"Then just tell him to wait or something," he advised even though it pained him to do so.

"Do you think he will?" Kel asked hopeful.

Joren could feel a tick developing in his left eye under the strain she was placing him under, but as her friend he needed to be supportive of her as much as possible. "If he's serious about you he'll wait. Just tell him that you need to focus on getting your shield and that it's inappropriate and deceitful to try and have a relationship now."

"Thank you," Kel said genuinely heartfelt as she wiped the reaming tears off her face. Joren felt a headache push behind his eyes as he realized things were only going to get more complicated from here on out.

* * *

Later that evening after the men had finished building all the structures before the King's arrival the following day Kel sought out Dom to continue their earlier conversation. She felt better after having talked to Joren about what exactly had been bothering her and now she needed to straighten things out with Dom. She finally found him on the outskirts of the Own encampment and he motioned for her to follow him. She did and he led her to a secluded area where they could talk uninterrupted.

"Kel about earlier I just wanted you to know that I really like you and my intentions are to court you," Dom spoke quickly trying to get the words of the speech he'd been rehearsing in his head all afternoon out without messing up. Kel was speechless for a moment. She had known Dom all this time and knew he was kind but she never knew he was also so sweet.

"Dom I'm flattered," Kel began and that hopeful twinkle in Dom's eyes darkened.

"You're not interested," Dom finished for her.

"No it's not that at all," Kel said hurriedly as she did not want to hurt his feelings or dash his hopes. "I just want to focus on getting my shield right now and I think Milord wouldn't take to kindly to it if we began courting," Kel told him.

"No, Milord would have fits seeing as he threatened us when he first took you on as his squire if any of us started getting ideas about you." Dom admitted. "Would you allow me to court you after you've been knighted?" He asked.

"Would you still want to?" Kel wondered. "I still have three years to complete. That's a long time for you to wait Dom."

"That's alright Kel I don't mind waiting. I already told you nothing is more important to me than hanging around you and I'll do it for as long as it takes." He told her. Kel blushed.

"Then yes we can revisit this after I've been knighted." Kel said trying to keep her tone level even though she felt happiness bubbling through her chest.

"Excellent, I look forward to it," Dom said with a wink. He kissed her forehead and left her there to find her way back to her tent, after today all Kel wanted to do was crawl into her bedroll and sleep. She was exhausted.

* * *

 

 

 

Okay as promised here is the citation:

von Scherler Mayer, Daisy, dir. "Parenthood." Writ. Mike O'Malley.  _Shameless_. Showtime: 4 Mar 2012. Television.

So what did you all think? Let me know!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer – Don't own, don't sue!
> 
> Chapter Twelve
> 
> A/N: Hello sorry again for the wait, I'm just terrible at this updating thing. Please continue to read, review, and favorite my story. It makes me happy to see that people like my story. There is a scene in here that was inspired by Game of Thrones I will cite it.
> 
> Kel has an anxiety attack in this chapter. Also since they are not as medically advanced in this area they kind of lump together Anxiety and Panic Disorders along with PTSD. I am well aware of the differences however.

A Squire's Pain

By oxlabyrinthxo  
Spring gave way to summer and the Progress moved along from fief to fief at an agonizingly slow pace for the members of the Own who were used to the quick pace at which they normally traveled. Third Company was envious of the Second and First Companies who were being sent out when bandit raids and immortal attacks reached the ears of the king. Lord Raoul was also getting bored with the monotony of the tournaments and festivities. King Jonathan had ordered Raoul and his beloved Third Company to remain with the Progress until further notice. Kel was quite content with this command much to her own surprise. It gave her more time with her friends and made her realize how those relationships had been neglected since they became squires and their interactions with one another became more infrequent.

Kel was also pleased of the time she was spending with Joren. Kel enjoyed Joren's company and witty remarks about the matches when they met up secretly each night. Things were progressing slowly in their relationship; Joren had not gone further than kissing her in weeks but that didn't bother her because they spent a great deal of time working through her problems. She confessed her fears of failure and inadequacy to Joren and he reassured her. They avoided the topic of Joren's father and his plans after Joren snapped at her one night when she brought it up. For the most part things were going great for the lady squire.

Today her friends and she had gathered to watch the jousting matched. Kel was not on the roster for that day but whoever won this next match would be who she would face the next day. A nervous excitement was humming in her very bones. The two knights met in the middle and dipped their heads to one another in respect before going to their ends of the field. Kel studied the two knights. Both were solid looking individuals and appeared to have seen many battles and skirmishes over their long careers.

"That's Lord Daragh of Blue Harbor," Cleon whispered in her ear pointing to the knight on the left in shinny Raven's Armory armor that had sheen of blue to it. "And that's Sir Taran of Tirrsmont; his Grandfather was cousin to the Conté line." Kel nodded, her eyes never leaving the field. Neal was on the other side of her, his dark eyebrows drawn together as he studied the field.

"What is it?" Kel asked Neal seeing the tension in his shoulders.

"I don't know, a bad feeling I guess," Neal said without looking at her.

"Ignore Meathead, he's been all doom and gloom ever since he got here," Dom piped in from the seat behind Neal with a smile whole patting his cousin's unruly brown hair.

"I have not!" Neal snapped turning to glare at his cousin.

"Have so," Dom replied childishly. Neal followed suit by sticking his tongue out at Dom who grabbed ahold of the appendage and snickered while Neal tried to reclaim his tongue. "Now Meathead if you didn't want me to do this you should have kept your tongue in your mouth," Dom taunted.

Kel ignored the banter between the two and turned to Cleon on her other side and asked him "why is Neal so on edge?"

Cleon shrugged. "Just like the Sargent said, Neal's been acting like that since yesterday, like he knows something bad's going to happen." Kel nodded and turned her attention back to the match in front of her. Things had been awkward around Cleon but both squires were pathologically ignoring the tension between them from their encounter this Midwinter, and the events solidifying his betrothal to Ermelian of Aminar. The spring rains has ravaged Kennan flooding the land ruining the crops and killing humans and livestock alike. Cleon now could not break the betrothal for Aminar had come to Kennan's rescue and his people needed their aid. Kel was conflicted on one hand she was glad Cleon would no longer be able to actively pursue her, but she also wished for her friend's happiness and recent events had left him rather glum.

The two knights on the field collided with a loud clang. Neither was unseated and both their lances still intact. Kel watched the match with rapt attention as they turned and charged on another again. This time Daragh's lance shattered on impact and a large portion of it embedded itself in Sir Taran of Tirrsmont's throat. Kel and her friends were close enough to see the blood spurt out of his wound as he fell off his horse and hard onto the ground on his back. He made a sound that was somewhere between a gasp and a gurgle as healers rushed to his side the dirt quickly staining red.

A servant grabbed the reins of Sir Taran's mount and led it away from the field while at the other end Daragh dismounted and removed his helmet. Kel watched the healers work on Sir Taran with a horrified fascination. She was so lost in the scene before her that Neal startled her when he briskly grabbed her shoulders and turned her away from the scene. [Ben11]

"You don't need to see this Kel," Neal murmured in her ear as he pushed her through the crowd of people in the stands. Kel felt like she was having an out of body experience, she could see the people around her clamoring but she could not here it over the constant buzzing in her ears. She felt Neal's hands on her shoulder guiding her but she could not feel the ground beneath her feet which caused her to stumble when they came to the stairs to leave the stands. Kel tripped and would have fallen if not for Cleon's presence in front of her to steady her.

When had he moved to be in front of her? Kel wasn't sure. She could feel her chest rising and falling erratically and her breathing shallow. Her lungs felt like bursting and she couldn't get enough air no matter how deeply she drew breath. She was lost to her surroundings until she was aware of Neal easing her into a sitting position next to a large oak and the world lurched in her eyes. For several minutes Kel sat there under Neal's watchful and concerned gaze.

After several long minutes the buzzing in her ears lessened and her breathing although not quite back to normal had stopped being so harsh and her vision steadied. She was aware of her friends nearby, but not crowding her as they stood several feet away Neal was the closest to her, kneeling down beside her his face pinched with worry as his emerald eyes studied her.

"Are you okay?" he asked her. Kel had not yet regained the power of speech she realized when she opened her mouth and her throat constricted and she let loose a squeak. Instead she nodded to Neal and focused on regaining control of herself. She tried to bring forth her Yamani Mask but to no avail. She could not reign in her emotions and school her features. Our of her peripheral vision she saw a flash of white-blond hair and turned to see Joren discreetly looking her way examining her with worry taught in his shoulders.

It eased her a little bit to know he was near and soon she was able to breathe normally and speak. "I'm sorry" she managed; embarrassed by the blatant display of emotions she had just shown.

Neal brushed her bangs from her forehead and she was shocked to discover that it was sweaty. "You have nothing to be sorry about," Neal assured her.

She was silent for a moment, and then hesitantly asked "what just happened to me?"

Neal sighed "you had what he healers call a fit of nerves."

Kel nodded, she had heard of such things before. Knight who has seen battles had such fits as did those who had suffered traumas or just those who had "bad blood" like Kel. She moved to stand but faltered realizing her legs had gone weak after her fit. Neal steadied her and her friends moved closer to her side to offer support but to not crowd her. She sensed her friend's unease as they watched her for any signs of a relapse.

"I'm fine, really I am." Kel insisted. "Let's go back, I'm fine now."

Neal shook his head. "They've cancelled the rest of the events for the day in honor of Sir Taran." Neal left it unspoken that Sir Taran was dead but Kel knew all too well there was nothing the healers could have done for Sir Taran but ease his passing. It wasn't unheard of for a man to die in a jousting tournament, it wasn't even rare but it had been the first time Kel had seen it. "I think you should go lie down in your tent and rest," Neal suggested.

Kel opened her mouth to protest but changed her mind. Resting did sound very appealing at the moment and it would give her a chance to talk to Joren who was casually on the fringes watching out for her. She nodded and Neal led her to her tent and shooed away their other friends. Kel expected him to leave when they made it to her tent but instead he followed her in and sat in her chair at her makeshift desk and ran a hand through his disheveled brown locks and stared hard at the ground.

Kel sat on her cot and waited for him to speak; he clearly has something on his mind. He sighed deeply and heartfelt before finally airing what was bothering him, "Kel you know that if there's ever anything you need to talk to me about I'm always here." Kel felt her stomach drop. Had she been caught? She must have looked surprised and guilty because Neal then said "I know something is different with you, I don't know what. I don't know if you even want to tell me I just – Gods Kel you're worrying me. I want you to know I'm always here for you and I would do anything for you. You know that right?" He asked turning his serious gaze to here.

Kel felt tears prickling at her eyes that threatened to fall. "I know." She whispered her voice thick with emotion. She hesitated. Should she tell Neal? The guilt of not telling had weighed heavy on her heart for so long and she didn't even know where to begin to start untangling the web of secrets and lies she had spun to protect her from this very thing. Kel took a shaky breath and looked at her forearms resting in her lap. "I'm not-" she stopped unsure how to continue. She cleared her throat and began again "I'm a mess." Kel laughed nervously picking at a scab on her arm and making it bleed.

Neal dragged the chair closer to her and stopped her hands and held them in his own. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't know" Kel sighed truthfully feeling conflicted.

"It's okay Kel if you're not ready to talk about it. I understand." Neal reassured her. Kel nodded and Neal released her hands and drew her into and awkward hug. Kel felt the tears spill from her eyed and she sniffled into Neal's shoulder which caused him to hold her tighter.

"Neal," Kel said pulling away from him, resolute in her sudden decision. "I know this sounds strange and doesn't make sense but can you find Joren and bring him here?"

Neal jolted back in surprise. "Joren? Joren of Stone Mountain? That Joren?" Neal asked incredulous.

"Yes, please. I'll explain everything after you bring him here," Kel said pleadingly. Neal studied her face for a moment before rising to his feet.

"Okay," Neal replied softly. "I'll be right back." He bent down and kissed her forehead like a brother might do to a younger sister and then left the tent to track down Kel's former advisory. Kel took deep breaths trying not to let her resolve waver.

Neal searched out Joren and regarded him with suspicion when he found him a few rows from Kel's tent seemingly engrosses in a sign posted that simply listed the names of the tournament matches on the next day with a frown on his face. Neal looked around and didn't see anyone who would question him engaging Joren in conversation so he boldly walked over to him and cleared his throat to gain Joren's attention.

"Can I help you?" Joren sneered. He was on edge and worried about Kel and the listings for tomorrow's joust did not ease him. She would go against Daragh tomorrow.

"Kel's asking for you." Neal said in a low voice. Joren barely kept his face from showing the confusion he felt within. He was sure this was a set up devised by Kel's friends to get him to reveal something. He had to play his part of their enemy, Kel's enemy.

"Why would the Lump-" Neal cut Joren off with a severe look.

The two boys studied each other for a moment before Neal broke the silence. "Come on let's not keep her waiting." Her turned and walked off and didn't spare a glance over his shoulder to see if Joren followed him. But follow him Joren did. He was curious about if Kel had revealed the nature of their relationship and the secrets that she kept.

They arrived at Kel's tent and Neal casually looked around before shoving Joren into Kel's tent before anyone could notice and then entered the tent himself. Joren glared at Neal for a moment before turning his attention to Kel who was nervously picking at scabs and old scars on her left forearm. Joren shot a look at Neal and then moved to sit beside Kel on her cot.

"Is everything alright?" Joren asked an unvoiced question in his voice. Why did you have him bring me here?

"Yes," Kel answered and then frowned. "No." She raised her head and looked at Joren and then Neal. "I think I need to tell you some things Neal." She stopped expecting him to interrupt her but he didn't. Instead he returned to his seat in her chair in front of her and looked at her expectantly. "I've been feeling…" she trailed off trying to think of a way to word her feelings "different this last year."

"Different how?" Neal asked.

"I don't know lost. I feel like nothing I ever do is good enough and," she sighed and let the words tumble from her mouth. "It just kept getting worse and worse and I didn't know what to do. I felt like I was trapped by all these awful feelings and nothing helped until I-" She stopped herself and looked and Neal helplessly willing him to understand.

Joren put and hand comfortingly on her knee causing Neal to raise an eyebrow. "It's okay Kel," Joren reassured her.

"I started cutting myself." Kel blurted.

Neal blinked. "What? Kel are you okay? Let me look!" Neal said in a flurry of panic. Before Kel could reassure her friend she was fine he had rolled up her sleeves to see the lingering scars on her arm, and Joren noted that there were no fresh marks since her arrival with the Own to Stone Mountain. Neal released the breath he was holding and a tingling warm sensation washed over her arm and her more recent cuts healed fully up leaving faint scars to match the rest.

"Thank you," Kel said gratefully. "I'm sorry I didn't say anything earlier but I just didn't know how to talk about it and then Joren-"

"Yes I was wondering when he would come in," Neal interrupted cutting a look to Joren who had previously been forgotten in his outbreak of alarm over Kel's admission.

"Before Midwinter on the way back to Corus Joren and Sir Paxton met up with the Third Company and Joren noticed I was acting peculiar. It was a really bad time for me. I just felt so hopeless and empty then and Joren just figured it out." Kel explained as best she could.

"When did he find out?" Neal asked his eyes never leaving Joren.

"Right after the Midwinter ball, it was a day or so after that," Kel answered. "And when he found out he put aside his past behavior and has been helping me ever since."

Neal tried to hide the hurt from his features but failed. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you Kel. I'm so sorry but why couldn't you come to me? I'm your best friend. I don't mean to make this about me I just, I want to help you Kel, but you have to let me and be honest with me."

"That's the point Neal I couldn't be honest with you. I was so jealous and hurt that you were Lady Alanna's squire and I just felt that I was unwanted. It's not your fault truly." Kel assured him.

"It's not yours either Kel," Neal said, he turned and to Joren he said "thank you for being there for Kel. It seems I've misjudged you." He stuck his hand out for Joren to shake, which he accepted.

"It's not a huge deal," Joren deflected. "She needed help and I was in a position to give it."

"Regardless you have my thanks" Neal said.

Joren waved him off. "I'm glad she told you so now we can all work together on getting you," he said looking at Kel, "better."

"You mean you're still going to help me?" Kel asked trying to keep the hope out of her voice. She loved Neal, he was her best friend and she was also glad she had told him but she couldn't imagine going on without Joren. Or letting things go back to the way they were with him before.

"I told you before I'm with you till the end of the line ("Captain America The Winter Soldier")". Joren told her seriously. He was glad Kel was able to be honest with her friend, but he was also glad she hadn't mentioned their odd physical relationship they were engaging in. There were some secrets he wanted to be kept.

Joren, Kel, and Neal talked and came up with a strategy for Kel to cope with her depression that involved Neal making her teas and tinctures from herbs he called hypericum perforatum but when Kel and Joren had looked at him clueless Neal sighed and rolled his eyes before informing them it was commonly called St. John's wort and could help Kel with her depression, after that was all worked out Joren decided to bring up the other thing that was on his mind.

"Kel I think tomorrow you should forfeit your match." Joren told her.

"What?" Kel was taken aback. "No." She said firmly.

"Kel Lord Daragh killed a man today. There's no shame in forfeiting. I don't know why they're not pulling him from the rosters altogether." Joren scowled thinking his father and his allies had something to do with it. Sir Taran did have a claim on the thrown, albeit and tenuous one and he was seen and more favorable than Brathach of White Horn by both the Conservatives and Progressives alike. Brathach and his rebellion might have gotten rid of Sir Taran on purpose and what worried him was that the group would continue to rid themselves of troublesome people and that among those people would be Sir Alanna and Squire Kel.

"Kel," Neal began "he does have a point. You're a fair jouster; we're not calling your skill into question, only that something is amiss here. I told you I had a bad feeling earlier and I'm certain if you go against Lord Daragh tomorrow you might get hurt. He's the sort to use trickery and deceit to win."

Kel studied Neal. "You know something," Kel accused.

Neal stiffed. "No," he smoothed the wrinkles from his breeches. It was in that moment Joren suddenly recalled that Neal's Knight Mistress was married to the King's Spymaster. "Kel I just need you to trust my feelings on this." Kel didn't relent. Now she was more determined than ever to joust Lord Daragh.

After several failed attempts to change her mind Joren and Neal bade her goodnight and left her tent and went their separate ways. Neal to his tent to rest and Joren to Lord Daragh's to have a chat.

Bibliography:

Captain America The Winter Soldier. Dir. Anthony Russo. Perf. Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson, Sebastian Stan, Anthony Mackie, Cobie Smulders, Frank Grillo, Emily VanCamp, Hayley Atwell, Robert Redford, and Samuel L. Jackson. Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures, 2014. Film.

Benioff, David. "The Wolf and the Lion." Game of Thrones. New York: HBO, 15 May 2011.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

A Squire’s Pain

By oxlabyrinthxo

Disclaimer – Don’t own, don’t sue!

Chapter Thirteen

 

Hello again my lovelies! This story is taking turns I never expected! Originally I hadn’t planned on Neal learning about Kel until much later but apparently the characters staged a mutiny and Neal and Kel reaffirmed their friendship. So since my plans have been shot to hell we’ll all see together how this thing will work itself out seeing as I only have a vague inclination. Also there’s a Princess Bride reference in this chapter. I watched it the other day and damn it if it didn’t pop back up as I was writing. I’m not going to cite it with MLA 6th Edition within the text because I had someone point out to me it disrupts the flow of the story. So I will put a footnote next to my “nods” to other fandoms in my stories and then sight the source at the bottom of the story so you guys know I’m not plagiarizing anything. I’m trying to add these “nods” less but sometimes I just can’t help myself. Sorry for the tirade! Please enjoy the story.

                The air was heavy the next morning; a fog had rolled in and clung stubbornly to costal lands making it hard for the people of the Progress to breath. Joren thought it was somewhat poetic the somber mood the mist created. The death of Sir Taran was still fresh in everyone’s mind added to the atmosphere of dread for that afternoon’s match between Sir Daragh and Squire Keladry which had yet to be postponed due to the weather. Joren suspected someone had manipulated the King into carrying on with the match as planned to “raise everyone’s spirits”.

 Joren thought back to his encounter with Daragh last night when he warned the knight against killing Kel in their upcoming jousting match. Joren warned him it would raise suspicions, two deaths in two days by his hands in the match, it would throw everything into suspicion and possibly uncover Burchard’s and their plans. Of course Joren didn’t mention the thought of Kel bleeding and dying in the dust made his heart lurch uncomfortably. But he had Daragh’s word that he would not kill Kel during the match and that Sir Taran’s death, while a tragic loss, was necessary to insure Brathach of White Horn would be next in line after they disposed of the Contè’s. Joren felt ill to realize that Taran’s death had been carefully and meticulously planned by his father and his supporters. Clearly Joren had underestimated them.

Joren was pulled from his reverie by Neal sighing dramatically and seating himself next to him. “Sit somewhere else,” Joren muttered just loud enough for Neal to hear and being careful to move his lips as little as possible. He never knew who was watching.

Neal rolled his eyes “I can’t convince Kel to yield the match. I know you went to talk to Daragh,” Joren’s eyes cut to Neal sharply, but Neal ignored him and continued. “But I don’t trust him to keep his word and Kel won’t withdraw out of some misplaced honor she has.”

“Daragh will keep his word. He doesn’t want to raise suspicion.” Joren answered plainly.

“Forgive me if I don’t put much stock in the words of killers and traitors.” Neal huffed.

Joren glared at him. “He will keep his word,” he repeated.

Neal’s fierce green eyes bore into Joren’s. “He better,” Neal said finally before getting up and leaving. Joren stared gloomily out at the field before him. There was still blood dried in the dirt, someone had tried to cover it up but it had soaked through the new layer of earth placed over the spot. Joren stood suddenly resolved to try and convince Kel to yield the match to Daragh.

He found Kel in her tent stretching and readying herself for the day. She smiled when she saw him. “Hello,” she said brightly. Joren entered carefully so as not to disturb the animals that were scattered about the tent watching their mistress. Joren stood silently by the tent entrance for several moments watching Kel trying to think of the best way to say what was on his mind. Finally Kel broke the silence by asking him “something on your mind Joren?”

He hesitated before blurting out what was troubling him. “I want you to concede the match to Daragh.”

Kel gawked at him in surprise before she caught herself and smoothed her face into her Yamani Mask. _Calm_ she thought, _I am calm_ , but in all honesty she was anything but calm. Inside her a storm raged, she felt hurt at Joren’s words showing his obvious lack of confidence in her skill. Normally before she had got close to Joren comments of these nature were usually sneered and directed to hurt her confidence but this time he voiced his doubts with such sincerity that it bit much deeper than any snide comment. In that moment Kel realized something horrifying. She had given Joren the power to hurt her.

She turned away from him unwilling to meet his eyes. “Kel please I’m just worried about you. Daragh and the rest will stop at nothing to get what they want.” He sighed heavily and ran a hand through his white-blond hair. “Please Kel I can’t stand it when you shut everyone out like this,” he added.

Kel stiffened “please leave” she said quietly, fighting back tears while keeping her voice steady and emotionless.

Joren hesitated a moment then he reached out to touch her shoulder and comfort her, realizing he had just mucked up everything like normal. “Kel I-”

She cut him off. “Just go,” she said, this time firmer. Joren froze and searched his mind for a way to fix things with her and effectively convey his worries without insulting her further.

“Kel,” he tried again.

“No,” this time she whirled around to face him, her face blank and her dreamer’s eyes full of hurt and fury. Joren stared at her eyes, the only part of her expression that ever hinted at emotion when she hid behind her Yamani Mask. He sighed in defeat and left her tent realizing there was no way to salvage their conversation. He simply would have to wait until she was ready to listen to him. In the meantime he would just continue to watch over her.

 

Kel stood on the field checking over Peachblossom before mounting. Kel felt anxious which Peachblossom could sense making the large gelding fidgety. She felt bad about how she left things with Joren, while it still stung that he doubted her ability to joust and take care of herself she realized he was only worried about her. Even Neal tried to dissuade her from continuing with the match (though in a much more tactful way than Joren). Kel resolved herself to trying to smooth things over possibly with Joren. Kel saw Daragh take the field without his armor and jousting padding on and she felt a cold dread building in her chest and settling in her heart like jagged pieces of ice piercing her. _He wouldn’t_ Kel thought.

Daragh held up his hand and sought the attention of everyone in the amphitheater. “Lords and Ladies, Sirs, and Commoners alike, might I have your attention?” he began. Clearing his throat he continued as the voices around him died down. “After much soul searching I cannot in good conscious continue with this match. I feel the heavy burden of Sir Taran’s death weighing on me and so I withdraw myself from this match and all further competitions as penance for my sin” Daragh said smoothly, his face trying to convey sincerity but to Kel all she saw was words that Joren had whispered in his ear. Her fury was renewed when as Daragh was leaving he nodded to Joren. That was the last straw, but she played along and accepted that Daragh has conceded gracefully and then went to the stables to return Peachblossom to his stall and strip her armor and padding off, fuming the entire time.

                Joren meanwhile ran to catch Daragh after his performance. “What was that about?” Joren hissed when he caught his arm and forcefully jerked him around to face him.

                “A brilliantly conceived plan if I do say so myself. I admit though I couldn’t have done it without you. You were right; they would suspect our little plans if there were two mysterious deaths, but what if I conceded to that sorry excuse of a squire? Admitted my fault and appeared remorseful? Why Joren it was just the right touch.” Daragh said quietly, mindful that anyone could be listening. “Your father thought it was brilliant as well, he’s quite proud of your contribution to our cause.”

                Joren felt sick with himself. In his desperation to protect Kel he had aided and abetted his father’s plans. Joren’s only comfort was that Neal had hinted that Sir Myles the spymaster and the Lioness’ husband were watching his father and his cronies and the obvious display of the king’s watchful gaze through the Progress. Daragh went to pat Joren on the back for a job well done when Joren halted him. “No,” he said icily. “I want no part of this folly you all are participating in,” Joren finally said aloud.

                Daragh was taken aback. “You can’t mean that Joren, your father has worked so hard for this. It’s everything we believe it! Don’t tell me you’ve gone and become one of those blasted Progressives?”

                Joren thought for a moment about what he really did believe. Did he believe what his father had drilled into him, or did he believe in this new world Kel was barreling into and creating? “I don’t know what I am, all I know is that I don’t believe in _this_ ,” Joren motioned to Daragh and then turned on his heel and went to search out Kel. In his soul searching he came to a surprising conclusion. He loved Kel. The sudden revelation stopped him in his tracks. Joren searched his thoughts to pinpoint the exact moment his feelings for Kel changed from concern and friendship to this. He couldn’t, all he knew was that Kel had grown on him like a weed, choking him.

                If circumstances were different Joren would have been happy to confess his feelings to Kel, she hadn’t actively tried to change him like so many before her. She accepted him flaws and all and then somewhere along the way he had become a better person just by being around her. But because of this Joren knew he could never tell Kel, he was a dead man walking. He was halfway in the grave, he couldn’t pretend the vision the Chamber had shown him was nothing any longer. He couldn’t ignore the position he was in because of the people he had surrounded himself for so long. Joren was no good for Kel and he realized that now. Perhaps if he started to pull away from her now he could spare her the grief she might feel when he died.

                Resolved in his decision Joren decided to slowly start pushing Kel away, she had Neal now, he could help her much more than he could, and whatever feelings she had for him would fade quickly. Joren was well aware of her crush on the idiot Masbolle.

                He was interrupted from his thoughts when Kel harshly called his name, having sought him out to give him a piece of her mind. “How _dare_ you,” she hissed accusingly.

                “Kel I’m sorry I swear I didn’t know Daragh was going to do that,” Joren confessed.

                “Oh I’m sure,” she answered sarcastically. “He just up and decided all on his own to yield to me. I’m not that stupid Joren!” She was practically shouting now, drawing attention to them. He quickly grabbed her arm and led her into a row of tents for some semblance of privacy. She fought him the whole way and jerked her arm from him when they arrived before he had the chance to release her.

                “Kel-”

                She cut him off. “I thought I could trust you!” She was close to tears now, unable to school her features into her Yamani Mask. Her hazel eyes were bright with hurt and accusations. It broke Joren’s heart.

                Joren was silent. He wanted to reassure her she could trust him. He wanted to tell her he loved her. There were so many things he wanted to tell her, but instead he stared back at her unable to speak. Unable to move.

                Kel was fuming. He wasn’t even denying he had betrayed her now. Kel was kicking herself; she should have known that all of this with Joren would blow up. Angry at herself for believing anything Joren said to her she made a decision. “This…” she paused trying to think of an appropriate word, “ _friendship_ or whatever between us is over.” She declared and in that moment Joren’s heart shattered but he did nothing to stop her. This was he wanted, just not so suddenly. Maybe it was for the best though; get all the hurt out now so there was none for later.

                “As you wish[1],” Joren conceded and walked away leaving Kel stunned.

                She was hurt that he could walk away from her so easily. They were friends. Joren had been there for her when she couldn’t even trust her friends with the secrets she kept. She had come to depend on him, had started to think maybe she felt more for him than friendship, after all they had become _closer_ recently. She thought back to that night with him in her tent, the memory now tainted with her anger. She felt used. Fighting back tears she fled for the safety of her tent as if the thin canvas walls could shield her from the overwhelming emotions pouring through her threatening to consume the tiny bit of herself she had reclaimed from her depression.

 

 

                Hours later Kel found herself staring at the flames dancing in the pit where the Own was camped. So deep in a trance she started when a hand came to rest heavily on her shoulder.

                “Hello Mother” Dom greeted in jest moving to sit beside her. Kel didn’t speak, she acknowledge him with a small nod and returned to staring at the fire. “Imagine my surprise that I was not the only soul awake in this area, though I’m on watch duty and you are simply turning down some much needed sleep.” He tugged a strand of her short hair teasingly. “So what’s on your mind Kel?”

                She shrugged noncommittally.

                “Ah that’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it.” Dom replied good naturedly, “I’m more than capable to talk enough for the both of us.” He flashed a bright smile. “So I’m thinking your being upset has something to do with what happened this afternoon with Daragh.”

                Kel made no move to confirm or deny his words.

                “And I’m thinking that has you feeling pretty worthless at the moment.” He continued “but Kel who gives a shit what those idiots think. All of us here in the Own and many others know how wonderful you are. You’re strong, caring, talented, beautiful-”

                He stopped abruptly when she turned her head sharply to look at him in confusion. “You think I’m beautiful?” She asked in a small voice.

                Dom let out a small laugh. “Of course I do. I told you I wanted to court you didn’t I?”

                Kel studied him a moment before turning away again to gaze at the fire. Unable to meet his eyes she said “I wasn’t sure if you were serious about that.” She admitted. “I thought you’d lose interest when I turned you down.”

                “Was that what you were hoping for?” Dom inquired, his fingers gently sliding under her chin to make her look at him.

                “No.”

                That was all Dom needed to hear, he kissed the squire for the second time reassuring her of his feelings.  When he pulled away he looked serious, though a smile did tug at the corner of his mouth. Kel chewed on her lip in thought while Dom began to speak. “I’m sorry. I got caught up for a moment. I know you said you wanted to wait till you had your shield. I respect that. I won’t do anything like that again I promise-”

                Kel ceased his rambling with a soft kiss she placed on his mouth. “What if I changed my mind about waiting?” She asked, worrying her lip with her teeth again. Since Joren was out of the picture now she could act on her feelings for Dom. There was no sense in delaying him any farther if he was serious in his pursuit of her, which she was sure he was.

                “Are you sure?” Dom asked. “I don’t want to distract you from your goal Kel.” He told her hesitantly. His chest full to bursting with happiness he tried to restrain. “You don’t need to make any sudden decisions especially when you’re upset.”

                “Dom I want to be with you.” She reassured him lacing her fingers through his to hold his hand. They sat in silence for several minutes unaware they were being watched by a pale blond who was happy for the girl squire even though his heart was breaking.

               

 

 

 

[1] Princess Bride. Dir. Rob Reiner. Perf. Cary Elwes. 1987.

 


End file.
